After you admit that someone else’s substance use disorder negatively affected you, good things happen, my friend.
At 26 years old, I had spent my entire life believing that if my mother stopped drinking, life would be perfect. I believed that her drinking caused all pain and suffering for Mom, Dad, my sister and me. And if the drinking stopped, we could all move forward and be happy. So, naturally, I was obsessed with Mom’s drinking. I was knee deep in keeping our lives together and in preventing my mother from EVER reaching rock bottom. I took on the mother role for my sister. I took care of everything because Mom couldn’t. I kept this up because I believed that is what I HAD to do until I could finally get through to her and save her from the grips of addiction. I held onto hope and duty to save her. In the process, I hurt myself and everyone around me. When I finally dropped into a deep depression at 26 years old and recognized that couldn’t save her and all of us from Mom’s substance use disorder, I went to an Al-Anon meeting and began reading every book I could find about alcoholism, addiction and the effects on the people who love those people suffering from it. I was desperate to discover a solution I’d tried for so long to create on my own.
Instead, in the process, I learned I was completely screwed over as result of the unpredictable and dysfunctional environment I’d lived in for a quarter of a century. I was ill and needed help. This journey of healing and creating an awesome grownup life started when I admitted that I am an adult child of an alcoholic.
Based on my experience, I believe three important things happen when you realize that being an ACoA is totally a thing: You are the way you are because of the sh*t that went down or didn’t go down. There are literally hundreds of books written about the psychological effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent. This sh*t is real and it’s a bitch of a familial cycle.
1. You realize that you are normal.
I spent my whole life feeling so not normal. I believed I was the only girl in the world with a mom who drank too much and became an unrecognizable person when she did. The only alcoholics and addicts I heard anyone talk about or depicted in media were homeless people with brown-paper-bag-covered bottles on the streets. I thought what was happening in my Dearborn, Michigan bungalow was unique to my family. I was confused and ashamed and I believed that all my constant worrying and anxiety was so not normal. I had a burning longing for a sense of normalcy.
But when I got educated and met THOUSANDS of other adult children of alcoholics who shared variations of MY story, I realized that I had a very normal response to that kind of childhood and young adult life. In fact, my brain was programmed a certain way – exactly as it has been programmed for MILLIONS of people in the U.S. alone.
This is so incredibly free-ing. My self-confidence (perpetually low my whole life) increased immediately. And it helped me say, Ok, I got dealt bad cards like so many others. I’m not alone. Now what am I going to do about it? I refuse to let this cycle of addiction continue to destroy lives, starting with me.
2. You discover that your only job in life is to take good care of yourself – to make sure that you are safe and healthy. That’s it.
This is very difficult for children of alcoholics because we are often in swapped roles. For me, I became my mother’s mother, my dad relied on me for emotional and financial support and I raised my little sister. I literally didn’t know how to take good care of myself because I have been so busy my whole life taking care of everyone else.
3. You realize that all the sh*t you battle inside was directly and indirectly rooted in your experience with having an alcoholic parent.
Some people say we ACoAs and other people who experienced traumatic and dysfunctional stuff in childhood and young adulthood should just move on and not “look in the rearview mirror.”
For me, I absolutely HAD to recognize my mother’s substance use disorder created several problems for me. Codependency. Elements of post-traumatic stress disorder. Extreme anxiety. The list is tall.
In fact, I have many of the same problems that my mother has – due to her own experience growing up with an alcoholic father and MANY other traumatic events in her young life. Unlike my mother, sadly, I openly admit that I embraced help with open arms.
When I identified all my challenges, I was then free to create the plan to get rid of that sh*t.
Friends, life changes in a very good way when you recognize that you are an adult child of an alcoholic. It illuminates your own unique path to create the life you deserve.
I hope you are well.
Jody Lamb is an author, blogger and adult child of an alcoholic on a journey to create an awesome grownup life. Visit JodyLamb.com. Twitter and Instagram: @JodyMLamb. YouTube: /JodyLamb. Facebook.com/JodyLambAuthor.
I can totally relate with your story. When I read articles about children of addicted parents, my personality ticks all the boxes. But I still feel so different. I have problems with being social because I never learnt to talk to someone without constant problems in my head. When I meet new people, I have the urge to explain myself why I am so different, but I never do because they would’nt understand. How do you deal with people you meet? Do you tell them why you are acting different? My problem is that I work with clients and should act professional, but sometimes I just want to explain myself.. anyways, any advice is welcome!