Jody Lamb: Empowering Adult Children of Alcoholics to Create Fulfilling Lives

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The beginner’s guide to healing for adult children of alcoholics

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Were you affected by your parent’s drinking problem when you were growing up? Being the child of an alcoholic affects how you think and live today as an adult – all these years later. Ever wondered how to even begin dealing with it? Your days are busy, and you don’t have time to focus on stuff from the past. I see you and I get it because I’ve been there. I’m an adult child of an alcoholic and now I’m living a life that once seemed impossible. What if I told you that recognizing that being a child of an alcoholic affects you today and then taking healing steps is the key to finally living the life you want?

Over the years, I’ve learned that the hardest part of creating the life you want is recognizing that you were affected by your parent’s drinking. After that, you can take the next steps to learning, healing and creating the life you want just a little bit at a time. Are you ready to finally take those steps to create the life you want and deserve? These go-to ACoA strategies will help you get started on your healing journey by taking simple, foundational steps that will lead to healthier thinking and living and the life you want!

Get educated about what happened to your parent: addiction

Do you skip over news stories about addiction because you don’t want to think about it? Thinking about addiction is overwhelming, and rehashing your bad memories sounds painful so you avoid it. Yeah, I did that, too. For years.

Somehow, I didn’t think addiction applied to my family and me. Back then, all I knew is that Mom had a horrible drinking problem, and the resolution was convincing her to quit drinking. I thought addiction was something limited to drug users on the streets. Oh, how I wish I’d been more educated and known that my mother was suffering from addiction. Education would have spared me lots of pain from believing my mother’s problem was my fault and my responsibility to fix it.

About 12 years ago, I recognized that my mother’s alcoholism had made me ill. Getting better and creating the life I wanted began with me getting educated about addiction and realizing that I was deeply affected by my experiences as a kid and young adult as I coped with my mother’s drinking.

The best way to start healing is to first get educated about what addiction is and what it isn’t. We adult children of alcoholics think we know addiction better than we do. There’s a lot of science behind addiction. When you understand it, you see how devastatingly common it is, what happens to the minds the people who fall into addiction and how it also affects everyone who loves the addicted person. It doesn’t take much time to visit credible websites and read books about addiction. Do that and you’ll understand your parent, and anyone else with a substance use disorder, in ways you never thought possible. I promise you’ll learn stuff you didn’t know you didn’t know.

The best websites and books about addiction

Websites

Books

Get educated about what happened to you: Adult Child of an Alcoholic Syndrome  

Read this list, Adult Children of Alcoholics ACoAs: Qualities and Traits, by Dr. Tian Dayton. Any of those traits sound familiar? Yep. Thought so. With your solid understanding of addiction, you’re now ready to move onto ACoA education. I’ll be really real with you here. This important step is both freeing and painful.

Best books for adult children of alcoholics

Check out my list of the best books for adult children of alcoholics: https://www.jodylamb.com/best-books-for-adult-children-of-alcoholics-acoas/. No need to read all of them; pick the ones that sound most interesting. My free book, 7 Things That Change Everything, summarizes the seven things that helped me heal and create the life I want.

Reading about the Adult Child of an Alcoholic Syndrome will blow your mind because it feels like someone is writing about YOU and your family. It is freeing because you realize that you had a completely normal reaction to what was happening around you. This part can feel a little overwhelming, but acknowledgement of your experiences sets you free to reverse the effects.  It shines a spotlight on the traits that are preventing you from living the life you want – a life of freedom, purpose and fun.

Create your playbook for your healing journey and the life you want

Have you ever felt really stuck in your life and unsure what to do? Wish you could call up some wise Buddha-ish guy and ask for him a detailed list of steps to get unstuck? Yeah, me, too, and when you step into the ACoA healing, you’ll want to shout, “Okay, now what?!” Buddha Guy isn’t going to show up and there’s no playbook to download to your Kindle. You have a blank notebook and pen in hand, and you will have no flipping idea what to do.

Here’s a secret: Your journey is unique to you. You know what kind of life you want, and you already have the skills and knowledge to create your own playbook. It’s true – even though it may not feel like it right now.

How to do know what to do next  

If I ever hired a fitness trainer, I’d look for someone who used to be a coach potato before they became an Iron Man participant. The coach potato would win my respect because they got educated and created a custom system perfect for them to transform themselves.

After you have your education foundation, the best way to get inspired about what your next step should be is to listen the words of other adult children of alcoholics. There is nothing more inspiring the words of other people who experienced similar things. Adult children of alcoholics have variations of the same story. We all feel similar pain and develop similar traits. We all have opportunity to heal and create the lives we want.

Attend an Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics Meeting

If you’d rather poke out your eyes than tell a bunch of strangers about your parent’s drinking and the effects of it, I hear you. I was the same way. That’s why I avoided support groups. Turns out, you don’t have to speak at support groups. You can just listen.

Al-Anon is a support group for family and friends of alcoholics. Attending my first Al-Anon meeting was one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever done, but it changed my life and may have even saved it. Hands down, there has been nothing more inspiring or eye opening for me than the brave words of people who’ve shared the similar experiences and feelings as me. You’ll find that while Al-Anon isn’t just for adult children of alcoholics, many ACoAs attend the meetings. Like anything else, different meetings have different themes and vibes. Try a few different ones. Al-Anon has in person and virtual meetings. Visit Al-Anon.org.

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) World Service Organization is specifically for us ACoAs. Like Al-Anon, but specifically for ACoAs. There are virtual, telephone and in-person meetings. Visit AdultChildren.org. Check out the Tuesday Toolbox ACA podcast, which broadcasts an ACA meeting from Brooklyn, New York every week.

At first, the stories may not seem very impactful but days later, you’ll think about your own life and something someone said will pop into your head and it will be the next step you need.

See a counselor who specializes in ACoA Syndrome  

You may have to see a few, or even six, before you find one you like. Look for one who specializes in ACoA and dysfunctional families. After a few tries, I found a therapist who’s an alcoholic in recovery and he is also an ACoA. He understood me, and he understood my family without even knowing them. He gave me helpful tactics that really helped me.  

That’s it. That’s the beginner’s guide to healing for adult children of alcoholics. Now you have the tools to get started on your journey and create the life you want.

Remember, your only job in life is to take good care of you.

Wishing you serenity.

Note that I am not a therapist or behavioral health professional. I do not give advice. I’m sharing my personal stories as an adult child of an alcoholic in recovery in hopes that it is helpful for other people. Always consult with a behavioral health professional when you need help.

How to get ready for your new, post-coronavirus future

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Last month, I wrote the 9,156th internal memo for my employer about the coronavirus. A leader asked me to change “preparing for our next normal” to “preparing for our new future.” Next normal is already overused and what is normal anyway, he said. He was so right, and it got me thinking about that common word.

Like me, you may have a long history with “normal.” I grew up with an alcoholic parent in a dysfunctional family system. So, as a child and young person, I felt my family’s normal was not normal at all, compared to the seemingly perfect lives of my peers. In other ways, I struggled to understand what normal even is. (Recommended reading: An Adult Child’s Guide to What’s ‘Normal’ by John Friehl)  

Since I started this healing journey, I realized that many people shared my normal so, in fact, I’VE BEEN NORMAL ALL ALONG!

via GIPHY

Normal is just what whatever is familiar to us and it doesn’t really exist as a standard anything. Its meaning varies by person.

But everyone is using the word to describe life before this pandemic came along and destroyed lives, killed people, and flipped everything that could be flipped.

When we’re wrinkled old people, we’ll tell the young-ins about how life was forever different after this wild pandemic experience. It is changing the way and where we work, learn, get care, shop, socialize…the list goes on.

The odds are high that if you’re on JodyLamb.com, you’re the kind of person who has been thinking about the short and long-term future and how your life is going to be or feel different when the pandemic wanes.

If you’re an adult child of an alcoholic like me, you probably crave predictability and to know exactly how things are going to be different. Gimme all the details, universe!

via GIPHY

You may be envisioning how your day-to-day life will evolve so that you can prepare. But the reality is that this situation is like nothing we’ve had in modern history and everyone who needs to figure things out is still figuring things out.

With much unknown and uncertain, we all must be flexible and tame the what ifs and worry. You gotta challenge what the future holds and try to keep your head up to the sky. You gotta be bold and wiser. All I know is love will save the day. Okay, yes, I’m quoting that ‘90s Des’ree song You Gotta Be. I played it on repeat in high school before my cross-country meets and I still love it.

Four ways to get ready for your new, post COVID-19 future

1.  Build healthy habits and keep them as if your life depends on them.

The pandemic likely dramatically disrupted your daily habits. You may be planning to act on your health goals when all this craziness settles down. But this is a dangerous slope. Whatever your habits are – eating healthily, exercising, seeing a therapist, etc., – you should start now.

It’s going to be a long time before anything feels familiar and this pandemic is mightily unpredictable. It’ll be way easier to make sure these healthy habits live on when more change arrives if they’re already well embedded into your life.

As the brilliant James Clear said, “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” Read James’ “Atomic Habits,” if you have not already. It’s gold.

It is not easy to build a system of self-care habits if you are caring for other people but it’s critical. You’ll be no good to anyone if you get sick or become an old, cranky person full of regrets about your life.

2.  Create new pastimes and hobbies.

A new language. Virtual therapy. Blogging (Check out my Free guide: How to start a blog). Home-improvement projects. New pets. Adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA) healing journeys. It is so amazing to hear about all the cool, new things people are doing during the pandemic time!

Your pastimes may have to be different due to major changes that affect those activities or your own wishes may have changed. Take the time now to find new pastimes.

Side note: On a recent conference call, someone asked the group what new things we’ve picked up since the stay-at-home orders went into effect. I was quiet as my colleagues listed all the impressive things they’ve been doing. Someone learned American Sign Language. Another has been cooking gourmet meals. Another renovated a basement. Another is learning how to play guitar. Literally, the only thing new I’ve done since March is wear sweat or yoga pants every day for about 90 consecutive days because I’ve been working so much. Yeesh. 😊 Must start something new.

3. Learn new ways of managing stress.

There are a lot of stressors these days, you know, with a global health crisis at hand and all. It is a great time to prioritize reading, meditation, yoga, exercise, or whatever activity helps you manage stress.

I’m currently working from home in health care communication, so I’ve worked some 16-hour days on my couch. In the very worrisome early days of this terrible time, I had no time to pay attention to my body and realize how stressed I really was. Since then, I’ve been adding many new good habits and paying attention to stress triggers. The following tactics have helped me reduced the impact of stress on my well-being:

  • Limit news consumption to 30 minutes per day
  • Watch comedy shows and videos because laughter is like medicine for my soul, you guys
  • A few 10-minute breaks during the workday
  • Listening to music. This really helps me. I realized that if I am on deadline for something that is complicated and otherwise stress inducing, that it is best that I listen to jazz or old time-y stuff like Ella Fitzgerald because I analyze the lyrics of my usual rock and alternative rock too much and it breaks my focus, and there’s something about that old time-y stuff that calms me.

4.  Take this time to be unprecedented about your own life.

“Unprecedented” is another word used a zillion times per day right now. It’s true – everything about the pandemic is new and scary – and somehow, we’re making our way through it.

It is challenging us to do everything in new ways and to be courageous and creative. There is no choice but to find a way to get the thing done that needs to get done and so we do!

With this new mindset and things being far more figure-out-able than we ever thought they could be, maybe this is exactly the right time for you to make changes in your life, be bolder and bravely take chances.

Perhaps this unprecedented time will go in down in your own personal history as the time you finally started living and taking good care of you.

What would you add to this list? Please let me know in the comments.

Wishing you good health and wellness in mind, body and spirit.

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