Jody Lamb: Empowering Adult Children of Alcoholics to Create Fulfilling Lives

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3 Things That Don’t Happen When You Grow Up with an Alcoholic Parent

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Experiencing a sense of normalcy and stability is crucial for a child’s healthy development. Unfortunately, however, this is not the reality that many children of alcoholics experience in their early years. Alcoholism wreaks havoc in the home, resulting in high amounts of chaos, stress, and instability that affect many aspects of the development and characteristics of the child of an alcoholic. Sound familiar? The effects of parental alcoholism on children are far reaching and often continue to manifest themselves into adulthood. See Common Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics:

Common Characteristics of Adult Children of Alcoholics

If you are an adult child of an alcoholic struggling with trauma from your past, know that you are so far from being alone in this unfun stuff. The first step to healing is recognizing and understanding the trauma that you experienced as a child. So, let’s call it out now. Here are 3 things that don’t happen for children who grow up with an alcoholic parent:

1.  Feeling a Sense of Unconditional Love

Feeling a sense of safety and unconditional love is crucial for a child’s healthy emotional development. Unfortunately, growing up with an alcoholic parent often means this is something that you don’t get to experience. Sometimes we were showered with affection from our alcoholic parents. Other times, our parents were cold, distant and cruel. This emotional whiplash was confusing, disheartening and left us hungry for affirmation of our parents’ love that never came. It’s no wonder we grew up and face challenges in just about every aspect of our lives!

For me, not having a sense of unconditional love because of my mother’s alcohol addiction deeply affected my romantic relationships as an adult. I had the tallest, thickest walls around my heart, y’all. It felt safer to avoid love and the risk of getting hurt. See also:

Common Adult Child of an Alcoholic Traits Affecting Romantic Relationships
How to Overcome Romantic Relationship Challenges for Adult Children of Alcoholics

2.  Predictability

Children need predictability, both in their homes and relationships, to feel safe and secure as they develop emotionally. Unfortunately, children of alcoholics don’t typically enjoy a sense of predictability or stability in their homes. Alcoholism wreaks havoc and chaos wherever it rears its head, which can rock a young child’s world and have consequences that last into adulthood.

3.  Talking About Feelings

Lastly, those who grow up with an alcoholic parent often don’t get the opportunity to talk about their feelings and learn to express them in a healthy way. When there’s an alcoholic parent in the family, many children learn to bury their feelings, whether for fear of receiving backlash or to be strong and maintain some sense of normalcy in the home.

In my family, my father was codependent to my alcoholic mother, and he rarely expressed any emotion about the chaos that her addiction caused. Instead, we acted like nothing was wrong. I was afraid, worried and ashamed, and I suffered alone with those feelings for years (until I was 26 years old!).

Recognize What You Didn’t Get as a Child  

The impact of alcoholism on children is immeasurable and affects what happens to children of alcoholics through every phase of life. If you are struggling with the effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent, know that you aren’t alone. Acknowledge that you missed out on several things that are important to child development. That’s an important step to move forward. As adult children of alcoholics, there are many parts of our past that affect us as adults, but fortunately, there are many ways to find healing as you work to overcome the trauma you experienced as a child.

Best wishes to you on your healing journey. Related resource:

The beginner’s guide to healing for adult children of alcoholics

How to set healthy boundaries with your parents

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My parent is meddling in my life.

My parent is making me feel guilty constantly.

My parent is too involved in my life.

My parent is still relying on me for things they should do on their own.

If you’ve ever had any of these thoughts, you’re not alone. These days, it is common to struggle with a parent’s approval of your lifestyle, career, religious or other choices. Or, if you’re like me, you may struggle with detachment and feeling like it’s your job to take care of your parent. Fortunately, creating healthy boundaries with your parent is an effective way to mend or improve your relationship and it’s easier than you think. There are tried-and-true ways to set boundaries with your parent that will help you and your parent have a healthy relationship. For people who have an alcoholic or narcissistic parent or grow up in some other dysfunctional environment, healthy boundaries are extra complicated. But my tips for creating healthy boundaries with your parent are based on my own successful boundary-setting adventures with my mother who has a substance use disorder. If I can do it as an adult child of an alcoholic, you can, too. Are you ready to set healthy boundaries? Let’s do this!

First, recognize that your only job in life is to take good care of you. Then, identify the boundaries.

Embrace this fact to make boundary setting way easier. Question everything you do and the conversations you have with your parents. If something isn’t good for you, don’t do it. It’s as simple as that. I mean, if you must do a good job taking care of yourself, then it is important to protect your emotional well-being. Boundaries are necessary.

In case you need someone to remind you:

  • You don’t have to listen to your parent’s rants
  • You don’t have to participate in one-sided conversations with your parent
  • You don’t have to be a stand-in for your parent’s therapist
  • You don’t have to stand for your parent’s attacks on your lifestyle/career/relationships/political views
  • You don’t have to be an on-demand delivery driver for your parent
  • You don’t have to change plans because they need you to do something unexpectedly 
  • You don’t have to engage in conversation with your parent on topics that make you uncomfortable
  • You don’t have to loan your parent money because they’re not good at managing their finances
  • You don’t have to earn your parent’s approval

1. Get used to saying no.

Are you always saying yes to whatever your parent wants you to do? Been there. I’m a recovering people pleaser, too! There was a time in my life in which I couldn’t have imagined saying no if my mother called up and needed me to do something. It felt like my job as her daughter to do whatever she asked. No matter what kind of impact the ask had on my life, I did it. Drop what I’m doing? Okay. Change my plans? Okay. Pay for this or that? Okay. At an early age, I had switched roles with my mother, as is often the case with the oldest adult child of an alcoholic. I’ve played the role of mother and my mother, the child. For adult children of alcoholics or narcissists, this is the normal we’ve always known.

The first few times I said no to my mother, it felt very strange. I hosted Thanksgiving Day dinner one year for our extended family. After I had already planned and communicated a dinner time to everyone and purchased all of the ingredients for the meal, my mother insisted that I change the dinner time to earlier in the day and that I make other dishes instead because…that’s what she preferred. I said, “No, this is what the plan is. It works best for me and I’m not changing it.” It seems ridiculous now that it took courage for me to stick to my plans, but this is how much control my mother had over everything. Another time, my mother called and said she needed to borrow something and needed me to drive it to her asap. I explained that I had other plans and was headed out the door for another obligation. My mother sighed and complained. It wasn’t easy saying no, but it was very freeing and every time I did, it got easier. Eventually, Mom began being more considerate of my plans and my life.

2. Know that boundaries often feel wrong. Stay committed to them anyway.

When you set and stick to a boundary, it may feel wrong, but it may be the right thing for you. The truth is healthy boundaries with your parent will improve your relationship with them by preventing resentment and bring you closer, even when it feels like it’s doing the opposite at first.

In 2014, after my father died unexpectedly, everything I knew about codependency and boundary setting flew out the window. I moved out of my apartment and into my mother’s house because I thought it was the right thing to do. My sister needed me, and, well, I thought if I didn’t, Mom would die. After three months, I realized that all it did was almost kill my sister and me. I made the most difficult decision of my life and moved my sister and and me out of the house. When I packed up the last boxes and pulled out of the driveway, I sobbed and continued sobbing for the next three days. It felt like I was abandoning a sick child to die. Imagine how painful that would be. It felt so wrong, but it turned out to be what may have saved Mom’s life. Without Dad and me, Mom had to be an adult for the first time in her life. Within a few weeks in our own space, my sister and I began thinking and living healthily. The fog lifted, and I realized that it was absolutely the right thing to do for all three of us. Often, the most difficult, painful, terrifying decisions are filled with a lot of unknowns; you can’t see the weight of the decision until it’s in the rear-view mirror.

3. Lead with love and explain to your parent why you’re setting the boundaries.

Communication is important to all relationships, including with your parents. Recognize what boundaries you need to set with them and communicate it. If conversations with your mother about who you’re dating or not dating leave you feeling like crap, let your mother know that’s a topic best abandoned for your well-being. If your father’s lectures about your career choices makes you feel misunderstood, let your father know that’s an off-limits topic and that’s best for your well-being. If you don’t want to attend your cousin’s wedding because you’d rather cheer on your best friend in the marathon she’s been training for, decline. If your parent protests, say your friend needs you that weekend and your friendship is very important to you. If your Mom is calling to borrow money again, tell her you can’t because you have your own financial well-being to maintain. 

Be prepared that your parent will feel hurt or angry when you begin setting these boundaries. Always lead with love. Explain that you love them, but you’re focused on taking good care of yourself. Self-care habits and boundaries are important to helping you achieve your goals.

How to start boundary setting conversations with this statement:

I love you, and our relationship is important to me. But I feel _________ when __________. I am focused on taking good care of me. So, we are/are not going to __________. I need to ______________.

Remember that boundary setting may take time so it’s important that you stick with it. One day, I told my mother told her that I love her, and I’d always be here for her but that I would no longer accept her calls at night when she’d been drinking because they upset so much. I explained that hearing her like that made me sick with worry and prevented me from being able to fall asleep and I needed to take good care of myself. She said I’m selfish, and that comment echoed in my mind for days. For adult children of alcoholics, when a boundary with a parent feels really wrong, it’s probably really right for you. After that conversation, Mom continue to call me every night for 20 days while she was drinking, and I did not answer. This was hard for me because every call I ignored, I feared she was in trouble, and the worry ruined my nights. She finally accepted the boundary, called only on Saturday mornings and our relationship dramatically improved. I set that boundary nearly seven years ago, and it remains in place.

There you go! You’ve learned how to set healthy boundaries with your parent with easy-to-follow steps that will have a big impact and make it easier for you to live the life you want. Remember, your only job in life is to take good care of you, and that includes protecting your emotional well-being. Boundaries are an important tool to help you do that.  

Wishing you serenity.

Note that I am not a therapist or behavioral health professional. I do not give advice. I’m sharing my personal stories as an adult child of an alcoholic in recovery in hopes that it is helpful for other people. Always consult with a behavioral health professional when you need help.

The beginner’s guide to healing for adult children of alcoholics

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Were you affected by your parent’s drinking problem when you were growing up? Being the child of an alcoholic affects how you think and live today as an adult – all these years later. Ever wondered how to even begin dealing with it? Your days are busy, and you don’t have time to focus on stuff from the past. I see you and I get it because I’ve been there. I’m an adult child of an alcoholic and now I’m living a life that once seemed impossible. What if I told you that recognizing that being a child of an alcoholic affects you today and then taking healing steps is the key to finally living the life you want?

Over the years, I’ve learned that the hardest part of creating the life you want is recognizing that you were affected by your parent’s drinking. After that, you can take the next steps to learning, healing and creating the life you want just a little bit at a time. Are you ready to finally take those steps to create the life you want and deserve? These go-to ACoA strategies will help you get started on your healing journey by taking simple, foundational steps that will lead to healthier thinking and living and the life you want!

Get educated about what happened to your parent: addiction

Do you skip over news stories about addiction because you don’t want to think about it? Thinking about addiction is overwhelming, and rehashing your bad memories sounds painful so you avoid it. Yeah, I did that, too. For years.

Somehow, I didn’t think addiction applied to my family and me. Back then, all I knew is that Mom had a horrible drinking problem, and the resolution was convincing her to quit drinking. I thought addiction was something limited to drug users on the streets. Oh, how I wish I’d been more educated and known that my mother was suffering from addiction. Education would have spared me lots of pain from believing my mother’s problem was my fault and my responsibility to fix it.

About 12 years ago, I recognized that my mother’s alcoholism had made me ill. Getting better and creating the life I wanted began with me getting educated about addiction and realizing that I was deeply affected by my experiences as a kid and young adult as I coped with my mother’s drinking.

The best way to start healing is to first get educated about what addiction is and what it isn’t. We adult children of alcoholics think we know addiction better than we do. There’s a lot of science behind addiction. When you understand it, you see how devastatingly common it is, what happens to the minds the people who fall into addiction and how it also affects everyone who loves the addicted person. It doesn’t take much time to visit credible websites and read books about addiction. Do that and you’ll understand your parent, and anyone else with a substance use disorder, in ways you never thought possible. I promise you’ll learn stuff you didn’t know you didn’t know.

The best websites and books about addiction

Websites

Books

Get educated about what happened to you: Adult Child of an Alcoholic Syndrome  

Read this list, Adult Children of Alcoholics ACoAs: Qualities and Traits, by Dr. Tian Dayton. Any of those traits sound familiar? Yep. Thought so. With your solid understanding of addiction, you’re now ready to move onto ACoA education. I’ll be really real with you here. This important step is both freeing and painful.

Best books for adult children of alcoholics

Check out my list of the best books for adult children of alcoholics: https://www.jodylamb.com/best-books-for-adult-children-of-alcoholics-acoas/. No need to read all of them; pick the ones that sound most interesting.

Reading about the Adult Child of an Alcoholic Syndrome will blow your mind because it feels like someone is writing about YOU and your family. It is freeing because you realize that you had a completely normal reaction to what was happening around you. This part can feel a little overwhelming, but acknowledgement of your experiences sets you free to reverse the effects.  It shines a spotlight on the traits that are preventing you from living the life you want – a life of freedom, purpose and fun.

Create your playbook for your healing journey and the life you want

Have you ever felt really stuck in your life and unsure what to do? Wish you could call up some wise person and ask for a detailed list of steps to get unstuck? Yeah, me, too, and when you step into the ACoA healing, you’ll want to shout, “Okay, now what?!” Buddha Person isn’t going to show up and there’s no playbook to download to your Kindle. You have a blank notebook and pen in hand, and you will have no flipping idea what to do.

Here’s a secret: Your journey is unique to you. You know what kind of life you want, and you already have the skills and knowledge to create your own playbook. It’s true – even though it may not feel like it right now.

How to do know what to do next  

If I ever hired a fitness trainer, I’d look for someone who used to be a coach potato before they became an Iron Man participant. The coach potato would win my respect because they got educated and created a custom system perfect for them to transform themselves.

After you have your education foundation, the best way to get inspired about what your next step should be is to listen the words of other adult children of alcoholics. There is nothing more inspiring the words of other people who experienced similar things. Adult children of alcoholics have variations of the same story. We all feel similar pain and develop similar traits. We all have opportunity to heal and create the lives we want.

Attend an Al-Anon or Adult Children of Alcoholics Meeting

If you’d rather poke out your eyes than tell a bunch of strangers about your parent’s drinking and the effects of it, I hear you. I was the same way. That’s why I avoided support groups. Turns out, you don’t have to speak at support groups. You can just listen.

Al-Anon is a support group for family and friends of alcoholics. Attending my first Al-Anon meeting was one of the most terrifying things I’ve ever done, but it changed my life and may have even saved it. Hands down, there has been nothing more inspiring or eye opening for me than the brave words of people who’ve shared the similar experiences and feelings as me. You’ll find that while Al-Anon isn’t just for adult children of alcoholics, many ACoAs attend the meetings. Like anything else, different meetings have different themes and vibes. Try a few different ones. Al-Anon has in person and virtual meetings. Visit Al-Anon.org.

Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACA) World Service Organization is specifically for us ACoAs. Like Al-Anon, but specifically for ACoAs. There are virtual, telephone and in-person meetings. Visit AdultChildren.org. Check out the Tuesday Toolbox ACA podcast, which broadcasts an ACA meeting from Brooklyn, New York every week.

At first, the stories may not seem very impactful but days later, you’ll think about your own life and something someone said will pop into your head and it will be the next step you need.

See a counselor who specializes in ACoA Syndrome  

You may have to see a few, or even six, before you find one you like. Look for one who specializes in ACoA and dysfunctional families. After a few tries, I found a therapist who’s an alcoholic in recovery and he is also an ACoA. He understood me, and he understood my family without even knowing them. He gave me helpful tactics that really helped me.  

That’s it. That’s the beginner’s guide to healing for adult children of alcoholics. Now you have the tools to get started on your journey and create the life you want.

Remember, your only job in life is to take good care of you.

Wishing you serenity.

Note that I am not a therapist or behavioral health professional. I do not give advice. I’m sharing my personal stories as an adult child of an alcoholic in recovery in hopes that it is helpful for other people. Always consult with a behavioral health professional when you need help.

How to get ready for your new, post-coronavirus future

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Last month, I wrote the 9,156th internal memo for my employer about the coronavirus. A leader asked me to change “preparing for our next normal” to “preparing for our new future.” Next normal is already overused and what is normal anyway, he said. He was so right, and it got me thinking about that common word.

Like me, you may have a long history with “normal.” I grew up with an alcoholic parent in a dysfunctional family system. So, as a child and young person, I felt my family’s normal was not normal at all, compared to the seemingly perfect lives of my peers. In other ways, I struggled to understand what normal even is. (Recommended reading: An Adult Child’s Guide to What’s ‘Normal’ by John Friehl)  

Since I started this healing journey, I realized that many people shared my normal so, in fact, I’VE BEEN NORMAL ALL ALONG!

via GIPHY

Normal is just what whatever is familiar to us and it doesn’t really exist as a standard anything. Its meaning varies by person.

But everyone is using the word to describe life before this pandemic came along and destroyed lives, killed people, and flipped everything that could be flipped.

When we’re wrinkled old people, we’ll tell the young-ins about how life was forever different after this wild pandemic experience. It is changing the way and where we work, learn, get care, shop, socialize…the list goes on.

The odds are high that if you’re on JodyLamb.com, you’re the kind of person who has been thinking about the short and long-term future and how your life is going to be or feel different when the pandemic wanes.

If you’re an adult child of an alcoholic like me, you probably crave predictability and to know exactly how things are going to be different. Gimme all the details, universe!

via GIPHY

You may be envisioning how your day-to-day life will evolve so that you can prepare. But the reality is that this situation is like nothing we’ve had in modern history and everyone who needs to figure things out is still figuring things out.

With much unknown and uncertain, we all must be flexible and tame the what ifs and worry. You gotta challenge what the future holds and try to keep your head up to the sky. You gotta be bold and wiser. All I know is love will save the day. Okay, yes, I’m quoting that ‘90s Des’ree song You Gotta Be. I played it on repeat in high school before my cross-country meets and I still love it.

Four ways to get ready for your new, post COVID-19 future

1.  Build healthy habits and keep them as if your life depends on them.

The pandemic likely dramatically disrupted your daily habits. You may be planning to act on your health goals when all this craziness settles down. But this is a dangerous slope. Whatever your habits are – eating healthily, exercising, seeing a therapist, etc., – you should start now.

It’s going to be a long time before anything feels familiar and this pandemic is mightily unpredictable. It’ll be way easier to make sure these healthy habits live on when more change arrives if they’re already well embedded into your life.

As the brilliant James Clear said, “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” Read James’ “Atomic Habits,” if you have not already. It’s gold.

It is not easy to build a system of self-care habits if you are caring for other people but it’s critical. You’ll be no good to anyone if you get sick or become an old, cranky person full of regrets about your life.

2.  Create new pastimes and hobbies.

A new language. Virtual therapy. Blogging (Check out my Free guide: How to start a blog). Home-improvement projects. New pets. Adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA) healing journeys. It is so amazing to hear about all the cool, new things people are doing during the pandemic time!

Your pastimes may have to be different due to major changes that affect those activities or your own wishes may have changed. Take the time now to find new pastimes.

Side note: On a recent conference call, someone asked the group what new things we’ve picked up since the stay-at-home orders went into effect. I was quiet as my colleagues listed all the impressive things they’ve been doing. Someone learned American Sign Language. Another has been cooking gourmet meals. Another renovated a basement. Another is learning how to play guitar. Literally, the only thing new I’ve done since March is wear sweat or yoga pants every day for about 90 consecutive days because I’ve been working so much. Yeesh. 😊 Must start something new.

3. Learn new ways of managing stress.

There are a lot of stressors these days, you know, with a global health crisis at hand and all. It is a great time to prioritize reading, meditation, yoga, exercise, or whatever activity helps you manage stress.

I’m currently working from home in health care communication, so I’ve worked some 16-hour days on my couch. In the very worrisome early days of this terrible time, I had no time to pay attention to my body and realize how stressed I really was. Since then, I’ve been adding many new good habits and paying attention to stress triggers. The following tactics have helped me reduced the impact of stress on my well-being:

  • Limit news consumption to 30 minutes per day
  • Watch comedy shows and videos because laughter is like medicine for my soul, you guys
  • A few 10-minute breaks during the workday
  • Listening to music. This really helps me. I realized that if I am on deadline for something that is complicated and otherwise stress inducing, that it is best that I listen to jazz or old time-y stuff like Ella Fitzgerald because I analyze the lyrics of my usual rock and alternative rock too much and it breaks my focus, and there’s something about that old time-y stuff that calms me.

4.  Take this time to be unprecedented about your own life.

“Unprecedented” is another word used a zillion times per day right now. It’s true – everything about the pandemic is new and scary – and somehow, we’re making our way through it.

It is challenging us to do everything in new ways and to be courageous and creative. There is no choice but to find a way to get the thing done that needs to get done and so we do!

With this new mindset and things being far more figure-out-able than we ever thought they could be, maybe this is exactly the right time for you to make changes in your life, be bolder and bravely take chances.

Perhaps this unprecedented time will go in down in your own personal history as the time you finally started living and taking good care of you.

What would you add to this list? Please let me know in the comments.

Wishing you good health and wellness in mind, body and spirit.

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Why the COAs topic is so powerfully inspiring

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“That is so depressing,” a fellow adult child of an alcoholic replied.

She’d just listened to my enthusiastic description of the amazing global Children of Alcoholics Week that occurred last week. So many brave, honest stories shared by adult children of alcoholics around the world! So much needed attention to the global problem! So much discussion, so much media coverage, so much needed support for the non-profit organizations like the National Association for Children of Alcoholics (NACoA) here in the US and in the UK!

“Oh, well for me, it’s exactly not!” I exclaimed to my fellow COA.

I’m used to this reaction. Many fellow children of alcoholics find thinking about and talking about their past experiences or hearing familiar stories shared by other ACOs to be unpleasant and painful.  I completely respect that the topic of parental alcoholism isn’t something other ACOAs or people who have not experienced addiction in their families find is a good fit for them.

For me, there is NOTHING more inspiring than learning about and from other children of alcoholics.

Over the last eight years since I began talking about being an ACOA, I’ve been absolutely blown away by people who grew up with chaos, abuse and dysfunction but instead tried like hell when they grew up to make a great life – and succeeded.

Considering the high odds of repeating the life of our parents that we have COAs have, this is turnaround is extraordinary – borderline miraculous, if you ask me! So, yes, I get a bit excited and happy to talk about this topic. I wish I’d known as a young girl, a teenager and young adult that some of the most compassionate, determined and happy adults are kids of alcoholics. They are champion athletes. Teachers. Business moguls. Life-changing social workers. Non-profit organization founders. The list goes on.

Perhaps even more meaningful on my own healing journey are the stories of those in-between ACOAs – those who, like me, are on the healing journey. Friends, it’s WAY, WAY, WAY harder to acknowledge that growing up with an alcoholic parent or other dysfunction affected us and we need to take action to create a different kind of life than the one we were born into.

Their stories remind me that I’m not alone. I’m normal. And that no matter the past, I am free to create a better life. If they can, perhaps I can, too.

I am grateful for the internet and our means of communicating about issues that are so commonly experienced, yet so commonly hidden.

I am grateful for the stories shared. For the bravery, honesty of other kids of addicts. I am grateful for the hugely positive impact of the COAs collectively saying to all those suffering in secrecy: It’s not your fault. You’re not alone. Help is there. And hold onto HOPE because you can stop the cycle and create a great grownup life – free from the chaos – just like I did.

Take good care.

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P.S.

The following COAs particularly inspired me this week:

Josh, of COA Is A Thing, is a super motivated COA who writes about his discovery as a young adult that his father’s alcoholism affected him – big time. Now he is one of the most vocal and active ACOAs in the UK, volunteering often and urging public support for NACOA and related charities.  Thank you, Josh.

Growing Up Chaotic – Dawn Clancy shares many past experiences with an alcoholic and abusive mother and stepfather and the pain of her brother’s fall into the grips of addiction, too.

“I’ve spent most of my life – depressed, anxious, suicidal, angry, enraged, alone, ashamed, terrorized and confused,” Dawn writes. “I’ve worked my a** off to create a life different from the one I was born into. Alcohol and drug addiction destroyed my family. I refuse to let it get its hands on me! I want to reach out to other survivors of chaos, abuse and dysfunction so I created Growing up Chaotic. It is my mission with Growing up Chaotic to provide –Inspiration, Hope and Guidance.” Thank you, Dawn.

Experiencing the holidays as the child of an alcoholic

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Merry holiday season, friends. It’s here.

Growing up, I had mixed feelings about the holidays – and by “the holidays,” I mean six weeks of so-called merriment-filled events including Thanksgiving Day, Christmas-related events at school, my birthday, my sister’s birthday, Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day.

In the early years, I looked forward to leaving cookies for Santa and a ridiculously tall pile of carrots for the reindeer. I looked forward to the TV specials. I looked forward to the extra friendliness of people around town. I looked forward to putting money into the Salvation Army red kettles. I looked forward to presents under the tree.

But as the effects of my mother’s alcoholism worsened or I became more aware of them, the holidays brought me an extraordinary amount of anxiety. My mother controlled everything related to our celebration of those holidays – where we went, when we went, how long we stayed, the list goes on. I know now that every decision she made was tied directly or indirectly to her drinking – from hangovers to withdrawals to damaged personal relationships. Getting to school Christmas concerts on time was a feat I barely accomplished; I remember running into the classroom nearly out of breath, seconds before the teachers ushered us into the gym for the start of the show. Christmas Eve was generally awful. In my early years, I’d sneak out of my room, too excited to sleep and too hopeful about catching a glimpse of Santa. My mom was always drunk and furious at my dad over something, or stumbling around while she wrapped presents, complaining about something. I remember being worried that she’d be mean to Santa or that Santa wouldn’t come because she was still there in the living room at a late hour. Her behavior was confusing but it became the holiday norm. My father reacted in one of two ways (or both) over the course of the evening: He’d shout back at her or lock himself in the basement with Christmas music drowning out her yelling.

On Christmas Day, we’d head off to my father’s family celebration. I remember feeling nervous the entire time because I knew my mom felt uncomfortable. She spoke often during her drunken rants that she felt on edge around my father’s family. Today, I know these feelings were rooted in her insecurities and strains on the relationships due to her alcoholism.  Our visits there were cut short so that we could also attend my mother’s family’s celebration. There, I felt more relaxed but we often hurried home before everyone else because Mom wanted to start her nightly routine.

After my sister was born, my mother’s alcoholism worsened dramatically. By my college years, I’d shifted into the responsible adult role, salvaging as much good about the holidays as I could for my sister, who was just a child. I was focused on making the experience for her better than my own.  But Christmas Eve was a disaster, year after year. Mom’s drunken rages on that holy night were particularly upsetting to me. I think it was because I knew that night was **supposed to be** peaceful, warm and serene. Naturally, on that night, I felt we were extra screwed up compared to everyone else. After tucking in my sister for the night, I helped my dad assemble toys and wrap presents. Though he tried to hide it, I saw the exhaustion, frustration and anger on his face. The memories are vivid.

“Thanks for ruining another Christmas!” he’d shout up the basement stairs to my mother who would often stand at the top of the staircase, yelling about trivial matters or completely irrational stuff that made zero sense.

Christmas morning went something like this: Mom would take forever getting out of bed, too sick and hung over to function at the early hour. When she finally got out of bed, she’d lie back on the couch, looking half dead until about her fourth or fifth cup of coffee. I wanted so badly to fix her. I wondered about the Christmas memories from childhood that stung for her – surely, significantly more painful than the memories that my sister and I hold with us. I would have given up every present received throughout my life if my mother would not take another drink again. I still feel this way today – and it still hurts knowing I’ll never be able to fix her.

As my mother plummeted into her darkest point, I was still in college but shifted fast into the role of the household’s responsible adult. My mother’s relationship with my dad’s family had eroded – another casualty of her alcoholism. Mom stopped attending their events, though they welcomed her. She also pushed away her own family, skipping holiday events or just stopping in for a short time.

Ever the co-dependent, my dad began skipping the events, too. After all, she couldn’t spend the holiday alone…So the family of four became simply a sister duo representing the family at school functions and the family get-togethers. The holidays, including our birthdays, became anxiety-filled obligations and disappointments more than happy celebrations of any kind. With my little sister in tow, I went to every holiday-related thing there was to attend because I felt I had to, for my sister’s sake and for the sake of the family. If our parents didn’t go, we had to go – otherwise, our extended families’ feelings would be hurt and the grandmas would be disappointed. So, we went.

Following our father’s passing, and my sister moving in with me, the holiday celebrations have changed. While that familiar anxiety lingers around, we’ve let go of the control it had over us. Boundaries are set. I don’t allow Mom’s plans to dictate our plans. As much as I can, I don’t allow her behavior to affect my emotions. I don’t attend everything there is to attend. I host small family get togethers. My sister and I are making new traditions such as a post-Mass, Christmas Eve dinner at McDonald’s. This sounds terribly sad but it’s not. In fact, the best Christmas memories are tied to these nontraditional dinners. It’s quite liberating and fun to go out and do what we want to do.

For three decades, I was trapped in the madness of my parents’ home for the holidays. Of course, the memories will stay with me forever. The anxiety will show up. But now the holidays are mine to shape how I want to celebrate them. As a very aware ACOA, I make a conscious effort to take good care of myself. I’m really enjoying creating these new traditions. The cycle of addiction in my family stops with my sister and me.

If you’re still experiencing the holidays amid madness as the child of an alcoholic (or adult child of an alcoholic), know that the future is yours. While the old memories may remain, the cycle ends with you. There will be new memories to create in the next chapter.

Take good care of yourself.