As Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACoAs), it’s common to struggle with complicated feelings and emotions because of difficult past experiences. Therapy can be a powerful tool in helping you process these emotions, find healing and move forward with your life. A therapist can guide you as you work through unresolved trauma and provide a safe space for you to explore difficult feelings.

To receive the best care possible, it’s important to find a therapist who connects and resonates with you. Not all therapists will be a good fit for you, and that’s okay. It may take a few or more sessions with therapists to figure out if they are going to be your therapist match. If you’re wondering how to find the right therapist to help you heal from your struggles as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, here are some helpful tips:

Look at Past Experience

When searching for a therapist, it’s helpful to look for one who has experience with AcoA Syndrome or addiction. Therapists who have helped clients through similar situations in the past often have the context, insights and understanding to guide you on your healing journey. However, keep in mind that just because someone has experience providing therapy for Adult Children of Alcoholics doesn’t guarantee they’re going to be the right fit but they are more likely to understand what you’re going through.

When I first began looking for a therapist when I started my healing journey, I was disappointed when the first therapist I met was disconnected and disengaged in our conversation. I picked her because she had ACoA Syndrome and dysfunctional families listed as specialties, but she didn’t ask anything that reflected that expertise. Fortunately, I didn’t let that deter me. I picked another therapist who turned out to be the most effective therapist I ever had, and he helped me clearly see the next steps in my healing journey. He was both the son of an alcoholic father and an alcoholic in recovery himself. He understood my struggles right away because like me, he’d lived the ACoA life, and that made all his questions and insights highly valuable.

Don’t Judge by Credentials

When choosing a therapist, remember not to judge solely based on credentials. Therapists come from many unique backgrounds, and many have arrived at their career from non-traditional paths. For example, therapists can come in the form of traditional psychologists, psychiatrists, life coaches and social workers, to name a few. Remember, just because a therapist has an advanced degree doesn’t necessarily mean they’ll be a good fit, and vice versa; sometimes the best therapists come from unique backgrounds.

Be Choosy

Your therapist will play a major role in your healing journey–so don’t be afraid to keep looking until you find the right one. Not every therapist will be the right fit, and that is to be expected. Many people attend several appointments with a new therapist before deciding to work with them long term. When deciding whether a therapist is right for you, pay attention to how you feel during the appointment. Look for a therapist who resonates with you, makes you feel validated, and creates a safe space for you to be vulnerable as you work through complicated emotions.

Also, remember, you can choose the format that feels best for you. Sessions can be in person, by video or by phone. I’ve been meeting with my therapist over the phone for the last year, and to my initial surprise, I think I’m a little more open with her than I’d been with past therapists I met in person.

Have an Open Mind

Keep in mind that to find healing, you’ll probably need to step outside of your comfort zone. Your therapist will likely ask you to do things that are unfamiliar or that you don’t believe will be helpful. However, it’s important to keep an open mind and remember that your therapist is there to help you. Be willing to try reading new books, listening to podcasts and journaling, even if it’s difficult. Healing from trauma takes hard work, and sometimes the things that help the most are not what you expect.

Start Your Healing Journey Today

Choosing to begin therapy is an important step on your healing journey. As you find the right therapist and keep an open mind, you’ll find hope, understanding and the tools you need to process your past experiences.

Children of alcoholics often experience heavy amounts of chaos, stress and instability in their early years. This frequently leads to unique struggles and difficulties during childhood. But what happens to children of alcoholics later in life?

For those who grew up in a home with parents who abused alcohol, it’s common for some of the harmful effects to carry over into adulthood. When dealing with the difficult aspects of your past, it’s easy to feel isolated, alone and like no one understands your struggles. However, it’s important to realize that you aren’t alone–many ACoAs (Adult Children of Alcoholics), including yours truly, experience similar difficulties.

An important part of your healing journey as an ACoA is recognizing the lasting effects you might be experiencing as an adult. This will help you understand where to start when working through painful parts of your past to find healing. Let’s take a look at some of the most common traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics.

Common Characteristics of ACoAs

To understand some of the common personality traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics, it’s helpful to turn to leading research. Here are the findings of two widely recognized researchers of ACoAs:

The 13 Characteristics

In 1983, Dr. Janet Woititz, a renowned researcher and counselor known best for her work with ACoAs, published a book entitled “Adult Children of Alcoholics.” This book outlines common characteristics that ACoAs share, due to the uncertainty, turmoil and chaos they experienced as children. Dr. Woititz was married to an alcoholic, and she and her children experienced the devastating effects of alcoholism firsthand. This led her to dedicate her life’s work to studying the impact of alcoholism on families.

Below are the 13 characteristics that ACoAs often share, as outlined in Dr. Woititz’s book:

Any of these traits apply to you? For me, it’s a heck yes, especially feeling extremely responsible for everyone and everything.  

It’s important to remember that not all ACoAs have all, or even some, of these characteristics. However, understanding these common attributes is helpful for recognizing some of these characteristics in yourself and can help you know where to start on your healing journey.

The Laundry List

Another source of authority on the subject is Tony A, an ACoA who published a collection of common attributes that he entitled “The Laundry List” in 1978. His list of traits of adult children of alcoholics includes:

• Becoming isolated
• Fearing other people, especially authority figures
• Developing a strong need for approval
• Fearing angry people
• Fearing personal criticism
• Becoming an alcoholic, marrying one, or both
• Viewing life as a victim
• Feeling an overwhelming sense of responsibility
• Feeling more concern with others than themselves
• Feelings of guilt for standing up for themselves
• Feeling addicted to excitement
• Confusing love and pity
• Loving those who need rescuing
• Stifling emotions
• Losing the ability to feel
• Having low self esteem
• Judging themselves harshly (Um, check!)
• Becoming terrified of abandonment
• Doing anything to hold onto a relationship
• Becoming a “para-alcoholic” (someone who adopts the characteristics of the disease, but doesn’t drink)
• Becoming a reactor instead of an actor

Is it just me or did Tony A nail that list?

Effect on Relationships

It’s important to understand that ACoAs naturally approach relationships differently than others might. To look beyond their own pain and struggles, it’s common for ACoAs to give everything they can to their relationships, sometimes even losing themselves in the process. This can especially become a problem for ACoAs who are in a relationship with an alcoholic, someone who struggles with another addiction, or anyone else who is unable to provide sufficient emotional stability or support.

It’s also common for ACoAs to experience trust issues in their relationships. Due to the instability and uncertainty that they experienced as children, ACoAs sometimes come to a relationship expecting their partner to be dishonest or unstable. This can make it difficult for ACoAs to fully trust their significant other or commit to a long-term relationship.

Related Resources

Common Adult Child of an Alcoholic Traits Affecting Romantic Relationships

How to Overcome Romantic Relationship Challenges for Adult Children of Alcoholics

So, you’re dating an adult child of an alcoholic? Five things to know for a better relationship

Start Your Healing Journey Today

If you are an adult child of an alcoholic and relate with any of these characteristics, know that there are ways to find hope and healing, despite the difficulties you experienced in the past. As you embark on your healing journey, here are some things to remember:

• You are only responsible for you: It’s common for Adult Children of Alcoholics to feel high amounts of guilt or responsibility to save others. However, remember that what you experienced in the past is not your fault, and you deserve to find healing. It’s okay to distance yourself from difficult and harmful relationships in an effort to find peace.

• Start where you are: Whether you started on your healing journey long ago or you are only beginning, accept where you are now. Allow yourself to feel any emotions you need to, and remember that the best time to begin healing is today.

• Make time to enjoy yourself: As you deal with the struggles from your past, it might be difficult to make time to have fun. However, dedicating time for hobbies is an important part of healing. Hobbies and creative outlets can provide a needed distraction and will help you relax. Think about what you enjoy doing and schedule it into your weekly plans. This could look like making time to read a mystery novel, joining a community softball team, or even learning to bake a new dessert. For me, I find joy in writing for you!

Most important of all, remember that you aren’t alone. With the right resources, you can find the hope and support you need as you embark on your healing journey. To learn more about how to find healing as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, join my email list for helpful resources, free tools and support.

Related Resources

The beginner’s guide to healing for adult children of alcoholics

Best books for adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs)

If you grew up with an alcoholic parent, you might blame them for your struggles today. Ever wonder where to begin in healing from your experiences? Well, as the successfully-healing daughter of an alcoholic mother, I know there are important things you need to do to heal and get a life you love.

Here’s a life story, presented by moi.

My life 15 years ago was drastically different from the one I enjoy today. The memories are painful with a capital P. I was 25 years old and ***supposed to be*** having the best time of my life as a carefree young adult. Instead, I was consumed by worry and dread and wrapped in the chaos that surrounded my family because of my mother’s alcoholism.

I had moved back into my parents’ home with the goal of getting Mom back on track – a track she had never actually gotten on! Mom’s behavior had become destructive and I needed to be there for my little sister. But no matter what I did, I couldn’t get Mom to stop drinking. With a consuming job in corporate America, all I did was work and then come home to tame the chaos. I was in full-on survival mode and my life felt more hopeless by the day.

The future was BLEAK, and I couldn’t imagine EVER being free of Mom’s problem and all the fallout from it. I am the eldest daughter of an alcoholic mother and a codependent father. It was all on me to save everyone! It was exhausting, heartbreaking and defeating, and this role felt like a life sentence. If I could have seen my life now in a crystal ball, I would have scoffed. I fully believed I was in that hell for good. I thought Mom’s alcoholism ruined my life – and that of our whole family!

Now, I don’t know if this surprises you or makes you nod ya head like, “Yeah, I know how that feels,” but here’s where my story takes a happy turn.

At 26, I’d had enough and finally started my healing journey. I realized Mom’s alcoholism wasn’t ruining my life – I was! By being all up in her problem, I’d become ill. It wasn’t my problem to solve! I set out on the path to the life I love today.

If you’re still going through the kind of hell I was, you need to know I am living proof that your future life can be unrecognizable from the one you have today. Let me tell you: If I can do it, you can, too.

You need to believe you deserve a life you love.

And THEN you need to create a plan to get there.

If you’re just getting started, or if it’s been a while since you focused on this, here’s the system I followed to start healing and creating a life I love:

1. Get educated. Understand addiction and Adult Child of an Alcoholic Syndrome, as well as the science behind it. Read books, watch TED talks and listen to podcasts. Your new knowledge about what happened to you and your family will blow your mind. It will help you realize your parent’s addiction had nothing to do with you, and you can control only yourself.
2. Get a therapist who specializes in adult child of an alcoholic/dysfunctional family issues. It might take a while to find one who suits you, so don’t give up if the first few therapists you chat with don’t seem to get you. Be choosy.
3. Create a self-care plan. I’m not talking about bubble baths and pedicures (although those are good, too!). I mean write down what you need to do to take better care of yourself and do it. For some, this might be as simple as making sure they get more sleep.
4. Imagine the life you’d LOVE. My free vision board template can help you.
5. Set clear, difficult boundaries and stick to them. My free boundary-setting planning worksheet can help you.

After being on this journey for 14 years, I can officially say… 

This system’s the stuffs, y’all.

Wishing you well on your healing journey!

Resources

Beginner’s Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Alcoholics

According to the National Institute of Health, 31% of adults in the United States will struggle with anxiety at some point in their lives. For those who experienced traumatic events as children, such as Adult Children of Alcoholics (ACOAs), the likelihood is even higher. Anxiety affects everyone differently, but for most people, it makes everyday life just a little more difficult.

If you’re struggling with anxiety, know that you aren’t alone. Anxiety is my number one struggle! Fortunately, there are simple and effective ways to help you cope with your anxiety and work toward healing. Here are some of the best ways to reduce anxiety:

1.  Become Educated About What Anxiety Is

The first step in tackling your anxiety is understanding what it really is. As the Mayo Clinic explains, anxiety is “intense, excessive, and persistent worry and fear about everyday situations.” Symptoms of anxiety look different for everyone, but commonly include panic attacks, sweating, increased heart rate, and the tendency to avoid specific situations or people.

If this sounds like something you are experiencing, don’t worry. Anxiety is common among those who grew up with an alcoholic parent, or in any other type of dysfunctional environment. However, understanding that it’s real and what it looks like is the first step towards healing.

2.  Pay Attention to Triggers

Have you ever been enjoying a good day when something happens that sends your anxiety through the roof? Most people who experience anxiety have triggers that can ignite their anxiety. Triggers look different for each person, but may include specific situations, people, places, or actions that cause your anxiety to spike.

One of the best ways to reduce anxiety is to understand what your triggers are. This will help you be prepared for when your anxiety hits and know how to handle it. Here are some ways to determine what your anxiety triggers might be:

Consider Past Experiences

It’s common for Adult Children of Alcoholics to experience anxiety because of some of the trauma we faced as children. A good way to identify what triggers your anxiety as an adult is to spend time pondering difficult experiences you had in the past and identify where you might need healing.

Take Notes

A great way to identify your anxiety triggers is by taking notes when you experience anxiety. By keeping a record, you’ll eventually be able to detect patterns that will help you understand what might be triggering your anxiety. When recording your experiences, consider factors such as where you were, who you were with, what the conversation topics were, and what you were doing when the anxiety hit.

Additionally, don’t forget to keep track of what might have helped you get through the anxiety at the time. This information can help you develop an effective coping strategy.

Think About the Present

While painful reminders of the past can trigger anxiety, don’t forget to think about the present. Stressful situations in your current life can also spark anxiety. For example, difficult situations at work, toxic relationships, or family troubles can serve as triggers just as much as events from the past, so it’s important to keep these in mind.

Although you might not expect it, anxiety triggers may arise from your diet too. Alcohol, caffeine, and even sugar can increase your body’s cortisol, or stress hormone, levels.  So, it’s important to be aware that your diet can spike your anxiety too.

3.  Get a Good Therapist

Therapy is one of the best ways to reduce anxiety. A therapist can help you uncover parts of your past that need to be resolved, overcome unhealthy thought processes, and guide you on the path toward healing. However, every therapist is different, and it’s essential to find one that’s the right fit for you. Don’t be afraid to look around until you find one that you connect with. Here are some tips for finding the right therapist for you:

• Look for a therapist with expertise in your area: Therapists have differing levels and areas of expertise. This is why it’s important to look for a therapist with experience not only working specifically with clients who have anxiety, but better yet, with ACOAs too. This will increase the likelihood that the therapist will be able to provide the best possible help. The most effective therapist I ever had was a both the son of an alcoholic and a recovered alcoholic himself. He just understood me and that made me more open to his perspectives.

• Don’t be afraid to keep looking: Don’t be afraid to move on if after a few visits, you decide the therapist you’re working with isn’t the best fit for you. There are plenty of therapists, and it’s worth taking the time to find the one who can best help you on your healing journey.

4.  Make a Self-Care Plan and Stick to it

Another way to reduce anxiety is by creating a self-care plan. This means setting aside daily time to take care of yourself–mentally, physically, and emotionally. To create a self-care plan, consider what you need to be your best self. This will look different for everyone, but may include activities such as daily exercise, spending time in nature, journaling, and even simply setting aside time for sufficient amounts of sleep.

Whatever your self-care plan looks like, what matters most is that you stick to it, even when life gets busy. Investing time to care for your mental, physical, and emotional health will help you control your stress levels and better manage your anxiety.

5.  Have Fun

Lastly, remember to have fun! Set aside time for activities that you genuinely enjoy. This could include creative hobbies such as painting, writing, or pottery, or social activities such as joining a community club, volunteering with a local organization, or planning events with your friends. It could even be as simple as making time to watch football on the weekends or enrolling in a local cooking class. For me, having fun includes writing for you!

Regardless of what having fun looks like for you, just make time for it. Don’t allow yourself to feel guilty, no matter how busy or stressed you are.

Final Thoughts

Although anxiety is a common condition among ACOAs, that doesn’t mean it’s easy. However, becoming educated about the condition, understanding how it affects you, and developing effective coping strategies can help you reduce your anxiety and enjoy life to the fullest.

And remember, you aren’t alone. There are millions of people across the world who share your struggle and are also learning how to cope with it. How do you manage anxiety? Let me know below.

Did you know 1 in 4 children live in families impacted by parental addiction? When I was growing up and coping with the effects of my mother’s alcoholism, I thought the problem was unique to my family and I was ashamed. I don’t want any other child to face this again! Please join me in helping to raise awareness so kids know they’re not alone. 

Every February, communities around the world participate in Children of Addiction (COA) Awareness Week, a time dedicated to raising awareness of the millions of children across the world who have been affected by parental addiction. The goal of COA Awareness Week is to ensure that every child has access to the help and support they need as they embark on their healing journey.

As adult children of alcoholics, we understand like no one else the devastating, lifelong effects that children experience from parental addiction, and we can participate in COA Awareness Week in a powerful way. Here are 5 ways you can support Children of Addiction Week, which is February 12 through February 18, 2023:

1.  Download the Children of Addiction Awareness Week kit and share content

One of the best ways to support COA Awareness Week is by speaking up. Not sure where to start? Luckily, the National Association for Children of Addiction (NACoA) has prepared educational resources that make raising awareness simple. Download the COA Awareness Week Social Media Toolkit for helpful guidance on how to spread the word. You’ll find sample tweets, images you can post to your social media accounts, and a list of hashtags to make your posts easily searchable. 

2.  Talk to your kids about addiction

Sometimes the greatest impact you can make starts from within the walls of your own home. If you have children, a great way to support COA Awareness Week is by having open conversations with them about addiction. Share with them the ways addiction has affected your life, and help them become aware of children around them who may need their support. Education is powerful and one of the best ways to help break the tragic cycle of addiction. Take it one step further and give them books for children about addiction.

I can only imagine how different the first 26 years of my life would have been if I’d been educated about what was happening in my family. I truly suffered because I didn’t know my mother’s drinking problem was actually a severe case of alcohol addiction. Worst of all, I am among MILLIONS of people who grew up thinking they caused their parent’s substance abuse.

3.  Start your own healing journey

One of the best ways to support COA Awareness Week is by embarking on your own healing journey. The more people who heal, the easier it is to break the cycle that continues to impact families throughout generations. Take the time to reflect on where you are in your own healing journey and create a plan to seek more healing and serenity.

Related Resources

Resources and Help for Children of Alcoholics

JodyLamb.com Start Here

The Beginner’s Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Alcoholics

4.  Share your own experience

Another powerful way to support COA Awareness Week is by sharing your own experience. Personal experiences that highlight the devastating impact of addiction are one of the most powerful ways to raise awareness. Whether you choose to share your story on social media, volunteer to speak at a community event, or have a simple conversation with family and friends, sharing your experience is a powerful way to make a difference.

5.  Donate to NACoA

Finally, donating to the National Association for Children of Addiction (NACoA) is a great way to support the countless children affected by parental addiction. The National Association for Children of Addiction advocates for all children and families adversely impacted by alcohol or drug use in the family. Remember, one in four children live in a home affected by parental addiction, and many don’t have access to the resources and support they need. Donations support the daily efforts of the NACoA to bring hope and healing to children everywhere who are struggling with the consequences of parental addiction.

Participate in COA Awareness Week

This February, take the time to support COA Awareness Week. Even small efforts can make a big difference in supporting affected children across the world. For more information about COA Awareness Week, visit the NACoA website. 

Do you ever feel you’re drawn to the wrong kind of partner? Do you end up in the same kind of dead-end relationships? Are you in the right relationship, but facing one or more issues you know stem from your past experiences? Do you struggle to maintain long-term relationships?

If you grew up with an alcoholic mom or dad, the relationship issues you experience as an adult likely stem from your childhood experiences. It is very common for adult children of alcoholics to develop challenges in their relationships later in life.   

What if I told you there are solid ways to overcome these relationship issues? Here are a few ways to help solve relationship challenges for adult children of alcoholics.

Be committed to your healing journey and taking good care of yourself

For adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs), delicate issues can pop up when it comes to affairs of the heart. Healthy, happy relationships are so much easier to create when you’ve taken the time and energy to heal from your past experiences. 

Before I started my healing journey, long-term relationships were difficult for me. I had built up many walls that prevented people from getting to know me more fully. It would have taken Godzilla to knock down those thick walls! It was easier for me to stay single than to risk falling in love and getting hurt. There was a 15-year stretch between my long-term relationships. Fifteen. Years. Yeesh. I had a not-so-lovely blend of fear of commitment with deep-seated trust issues. I was closed off to most men and emotionally unavailable to the ones who tried to date me. Finally, several years into my healing journey, I let myself fall in love when I was focused on taking good care of myself. Before I started healing from my childhood experiences of growing up with the effects of my mother’s alcoholism, I simply wasn’t ready for love. I am so grateful that I healed and made myself ready and open for a healthy, happy, long-term relationship. And now I’m getting married this year! Fourteen years ago, I couldn’t have imagined how life could feel. I am living proof that life can change in ways you cannot even imagine.

The reality is, if you don’t fully love yourself, you can’t fully love someone else. For adult children of alcoholics, the process of achieving self-love begins with learning what self-care means for you and making healthy habits. When you love yourself and you believe in what you deserve, you’ll attract and keep the right romantic relationships and find lasting love.

Create boundaries and stick to them

Boundaries are powerful, amazing tools that can free you from so many relationship problems. When you get into a relationship, communicate to your partner what kind of behavior you will and will not tolerate and what you plan to do if they do not respect your boundaries. This can be difficult, and it requires self-awareness and practice.

Communicate with your partner

It is super difficult for most people who didn’t grow up with an alcoholic parent or other type of dysfunctional environment to understand your struggles that stem from being the kid of an alcoholic. Do not assume they’ll understand why you behave like you do; our past world is unfamiliar to them (fortunately for them!). References for them:

Books about Addiction and Adult Children of Alcoholics Syndrome

Five Things to Know if You’re Dating an Adult Child of an Alcoholic for a Better Relationship

Do these things and you’ll be better positioned to overcome the common ACoA relationship challenges! Best wishes to you in your healing journey.

Related Resources

Common Relationship Challenges for Adult Children of Alcoholics