There’s no doubt that growing up with an alcoholic parent shaped us. We can’t change the past, but we have the power to create a beautiful future. Feeling stuck and you’re unsure what next steps to take? Here are my five, daily go-to questions that speak joy and clarity in my life:  

1. Dream big about your dream life: What does my ideal life look like? Down to the nitty-gritty details, what do you want your life to look like? Who do you live with? Where do you live? How do you start and end your day?  
2. Set boundaries that support your goals: What boundaries are helping me achieve this life? What boundaries are missing?
3. Celebrate your unique gifts. What is my gift to the world? Am I sharing enough of it?
4. Embrace gratitude. What am I grateful for right now at this moment? List all the things – little and big. This is so important to ask, especially on the days you’re focused on everything you do not appreciate.
5. Keep the long-term in mind: Think about what’s worrying you right now. Will it still be on your mind a year from today? If the chances are slim, it’s smaller than it seems.

Embrace these questions as your daily dose of positivity and you’ll make wiser decisions all day long. It will transform your world.

Are you codependent? If you ever felt a heavy sense of responsibility for everyone and everything around you, you are likely suffering from codependency. I spent most of my life unknowingly codependent until my awesome Aunt Barb gifted me a book called “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.

Codependency happens when you ignore your own needs to excessively meet the needs of others. It comes from a deep-seated desire to care for and connect with those around us. While it appears self-less on the surface, it becomes destructive. People who grew up with an alcoholic parent or in another type of dysfunctional environment are most likely to suffer from codependency. It can be crippling!

That’s why I believe every adult child of an alcoholic should read Melody’s “Codependent No More.”

The book helped me realize that I was suffering deeply from codependency. Before then, I thought the only ill person in my circle was my mother with her substance use disorder. Melody opened my eyes to recognize that I’d been so focused on trying to cure something I had zero control over (my mother’s addiction) that I’d become ill myself with a severe case of codependency.

Here are three life-changing facts Melody taught me about codependency:

1. It is destructive.

Codependency prevents other people from caring for themselves and causes you to neglect yourself.

“Caretaking doesn’t help,” Melody wrote in Codependent No More. “It causes problems. When we take care of people and do things we don’t want to do, we ignore personal needs, wants, and feelings. We put ourselves aside. Sometimes we get so busy taking care of people that we put our entire lives and hold…. May become seriously depressed as a result of not getting our needs met.”

2. It can become an obsession.

When I was a child, I became convinced it was my duty to get my mother to stop drinking. I didn’t understand she had a substance use disorder and I mistakenly believed she could control it. I felt it was up to me to find the solution. When nothing I tried worked, I became obsessed with finding the solution that would finally work. I wrote heartfelt letters to her, I hid and poured out her bottles and I pleaded with her through tears. Nothing. Ever. Worked. As her substance use disorder worsened, I became even more focused on solving the problem that I was never mine to solve. I couldn’t think of anything else because I believed that if I could get Mom to stop drinking, my mom, dad and me could finally live happily ever after. I was obsessed her drinking problem and, as a result, I completely neglected myself.

“Obsession with another human being, or a problem, is an awful thing to be caught up in,” Melody wrote in Codependent No More. “Have you ever seen someone who is obsessed with someone or something? That person can talk about nothing else, can think of nothing else. Even if he appears to be listening when you talk, you know that person doesn’t hear you. His mind is tossing and turning, crashing and banging, around and around on an endless racetrack of compulsive thought…He is bursting with a jarring energy that obsession is made of he has a problem or concern that is not only bothering send-it is controlling him.

3. It can be a powerful invitation to change.

While it may present challenges, recognizing codependency is the first step in a journey toward self-discovery and empowerment. Codependency is an invitation to embark on a transformative path where you learn to balance your natural empathy and compassion with healthy boundaries and self-care. This journey leads to a deeper understanding of yourself, your needs and your desires, helping you build more fulfilling and balanced relationships.

I’d go into full-on fan girl mode if I met Melody. Back in the 1980s, Melody brought codependency to the mainstream and helped the world understand it so they could recover, heal and create healthier, happier lives. She was one of the first self-help gurus who boldly changed the world forever. Thank you, Melody.

Wishing you serenity.

When it comes to your feelings about having a parent with alcoholism, things get complex. We adult kids of alcoholics quietly endure lifelong effects of our experiences when we were growing up. We have pain, confusion and often, a deep sense of loss. But what if I told you an easy but impactful way to heal lies in writing letters to your parents?

For me, writing letters to my mother has been hugely helpful in my healing journey.  I’ve written hundreds of letters to my mother throughout my life; she has received many of them; others I decided to shred instead. But writing each and every one of them helped me heal. They really did.

Why write a letter?

Writing a letter is much more than putting words on paper. It’s about unearthing those bottled-up feelings and giving voice to your innermost thoughts. You’ve probably harbored a plethora of emotions – anger, sadness, love, disappointment – and a letter provides a safe space to express these without interruption or fear of judgement. For me, it feels way easier to get my feelings out in writing than through saying it all aloud.

Words are powerful

The act of writing can be incredibly therapeutic. It allows you to confront and articulate feelings you may not have even realized you were carrying. Through this process, you’re not just communicating with your parent; you’re also reaching out to your inner self. It’s a form of self-care, a way to acknowledge your feelings and affirm that they are valid.

How to write your letter to your parent with a substance use disorder

1. Start with Compassion: Begin from a place of love or empathy, even if it’s mixed with other, harder emotions. Remember, this letter is as much for you as it is for them.

2. Be Honest, But Kind: Use “I” statements to express how their behavior has impacted you. This isn’t about casting blame but about being honest with yourself and them.

I feel angry when…

I feel frustrated when..

I feel hurt when….

3. Express your needs and boundaries: Clearly state what you need from them, even if it’s just emotional closure or space.

For my own health, I need…

I need…

4. Reflect on positive memories: If possible, include positive memories or attributes of your parent. This can be healing for you and, if you choose to send the letter, can soften its reception.

5. Decide if you want to send it to your parent or not. There’s no right or wrong decision here. Sometimes, the act of writing is enough. Other times, sending the letter can be a step toward mutual understanding and forgiveness.

Whether or not to send the letter is entirely up to you. This decision depends on your circumstances, your relationship with your parent and what you hope to achieve. Remember, there’s no pressure to send it. Sometimes, the act of writing is the most crucial part.

You’re not alone

You’re not alone in this journey. Many have walked this path, feeling the same confusion and hurt. But there’s hope and healing in the process of expressing these feelings, whether they are ever read by your parent or not.

Writing to your alcoholic parent isn’t about changing them or the past. It’s about acknowledging your feelings and beginning to heal from within. It’s a brave step, one that speaks of your strength and your commitment to your own well-being.  

You deserve the life you want.

Earn helpful friends for your adult child of an alcoholic healing journey

If you’re an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA), do you ever feel like the people around you may be bringing you down and keeping you stuck? What if I told you the key to getting unstuck may be finding supportive people to spend time with?

Jim Rohn said, “You’re the average of the five people you spend the most time with.”  

Is your current average going to lead you to healing and creating a life you love? If the answer is no, it’s time for a change. The people who surround you are most likely to influence your thoughts and behavior. It’s super important to spend the most time with people are positive, motivated and who lift you up.

Navigating relationships and building healthy friendships can be challenging, but deeply rewarding. Here’s how I grew a support system of understanding and compassionate friends.

How to earn supportive friends                

1.Identify Your Needs: Start by reflecting on what you need in a friend. Do you need someone patient, non-judgmental or who has similar experiences? Do need someone who shares your interests and goals? Knowing what you’re looking for makes it easier to identify the right people.

2. Join Support Groups: Groups like Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics or similar support networks are invaluable. They offer a sense of community and understanding, providing a platform to meet others who have walked a similar path. Seriously, there’s an instant connection with people who know the pain of loving someone who has a substance use disorder. Not only do they know our story, they lived it themselves. There’s a bittersweet, undeniable bond.

For me, Al-Anon meetings were extremely impactful in helping me understand what steps I needed to take in my healing journey. Never underestimate the power of kind, supportive words from friends who are on a similar journey.

3. Be Open About Your Journey: While you don’t have to share your story with everyone, being open about your past experiences can attract those who understand or empathize with your journey. Everyone has been through tough stuff in their lives. Everyone. Even if they didn’t grow up with an alcoholic parent like you, they may have experienced something similarly tough.  Many people grew up with narcissistic parents and it turns out their experiences are mighty similar to ours.

It takes courage, but authenticity fosters deeper connections. People are drawn to people who are real. Be you.

4. Find Communities Online: Online forums and social media groups can be a great resource. They allow you to connect with people globally who share your experiences. This is a great route for people who may not have an easy way to connect with people in person.

5. Do Activities You Enjoy: Participate in activities that align with your interests. Whether it’s a book club, writer’s group, hiking group, fitness or martial arts or a cooking class, doing things you love can naturally lead you to like-minded individuals who will be encouraging to you.

This step was a biggie for me – totally life changing! When I started my healing journey, I thought about the things I loved to do as a kid and I started doing them. This included writing for fun. So, I enrolled in a creative writing course at my local community college. There, I met other writers who invited me to join a writer’s group and I made new friends. Those new friends introduced me to other writer friends and, without much effort, I suddenly earned a whole new, awesome friend group. They encouraged me to keep writing and to pursue my goals. My life has been better ever since.

How to Build Relationships

1. Have an open mind.

Always be open to making friendships with anyone. I’ve never had an expectations about age and background when it comes to friends. Some of your greatest friends could be entirely different than you.

2. Communicate well: In any relationship, communication is essential. Practice open and honest dialogue about your feelings, boundaries and experiences. It builds trust and understanding.

3. Be patient: Building meaningful relationships takes time. Allow your friendships to develop naturally without forcing it and sharing too much information too quickly.

4. Be supportive: Be the friend you wish to have. Offer empathy, listen actively and be there for your friends as they are for you.

5. Respect boundaries: Just as you have boundaries, respect those of your friends. Understanding and respecting limits is crucial for healthy relationships.

6. Celebrate small victories: Acknowledge and celebrate the steps you and your friends take in your personal growth journeys. Support doesn’t always have to focus on challenges but also on the victories.

Remember to be kind to yourself throughout this process. Building relationships as an adult child of an alcoholic (ACOA) can be challenging, and it’s okay to have moments of doubt or frustration.

Creating a support system as an ACOA involves understanding your needs, seeking out empathetic individuals and cultivating strong, healthy friendships. Remember, the journey of building relationships is not just about finding the right people but also about being the right friend. Embrace your journey with patience and openness, and watch your support system grow with understanding and caring friends.

Wishing you serenity.

Have you ever found yourself overwhelmed with all this personal growth talk about the things you can do to heal as an adult child of an alcoholic? Been there. But what if I told you that one of the most powerful tools at your disposal requires nothing more than a pen and paper? Or, if you prefer, a voice memo app?

Yes, I’m talking about writing. And no, it’s not just for the next Shakespeare or the future Hemingway. Writing, my friend, is for anyone who’s ever had a feeling. So, unless you’re a robot (hi, robot), writing can be a therapeutic journey for your personal growth and healing.

How writing can be the MVP of your healing

Writing is less intimidating and more available than therapy.

Let’s face it, remembering painful stuff that happened in the past can be difficult. While I’m not suggesting you replace professional help with a notebook, writing does provide a complimentary outlet for when your therapist is on vacation in the Bahamas and you’re knee-deep in family drama OR you’re just not ready for therapy.

Writing doesn’t talk back.

Ever try confiding to a friend who turns it into the Misery Olympics? With writing, there’s no competition. The paper won’t interrupt you to tell you about its cousin’s neighbor’s sister-in-law’s last shenanigans.

Writing is private.

Sometimes we censor ourselves in front of other people to protect our egos. Writing can be a private confessional where the truth pours out. It’s just you and the page, no judgments.

Writing can be your emotional dumpster.

Imagine taking all the emotional junk cluttering your mind and tossing it onto a page. It’s like a dumpster for the soul, only without the lingering smell of week-old chicken.

How to get started writing for healing

1. The Dear Diary Approach

Start a journal. It’s classic, it’s simple and it’s effective. Write like nobody’s watching—because, unless you have an incredibly nosy cat (shout out to you, Larry), nobody is.

2. The Word Vomit Method

Sit down and just write. Don’t worry about grammar, spelling or making sense. You’re not trying to win a Pulitzer; you’re trying to clear your head. The coherent thoughts can come later, after the mental purge. Just write what comes to mind. Let it all out.

3. The Letter That Never Gets Sent

Write a letter to your alcoholic parent, to yourself, to God or a Higher Power or even to the Universe. Pour everything into it. Then, tuck it away or, if you’re feeling dramatic, put it in the shredder.

4. The Blogging Odyssey

Start a blog. Share your journey. You’ll be surprised how many people resonate with your story and find comfort in knowing they’re not alone.

Back in the ancient days of 2009, when we all were younger, the internet was a bit less crowded, and finding a niche community felt like searching for a needle in a digital haystack. If you were an adult child of an alcoholic, scouring the web for shared experiences was like trying to find a sober moment at an open bar—pretty rare.

That’s when I decided to stop being an audience member in the theater of Google searches and take center stage by starting my own blog at JodyLamb.com. The spotlight was a little daunting, not gonna lie. There I was, typing away my journey, half-expecting to hear the digital chirping of crickets rather than human connection. But then something amazing happened.

People responded! Not just automated bots selling me cheap sunglasses or promises of a Nigerian prince’s inheritance, but real, live humans from across the globe. Just like that, my solo act became a chorus of voices, a community of people who grew up with alcoholic parents, a global tapestry of healing woven together with every shared story and supportive comment. I am so grateful to everyone I’ve connected with from around the world.

What to do if writing feels like a chore

Ah, I hear you. On days when picking up a pen feels like lifting a 100-pound weight, there’s another under-the-radar hero: voice memos. Chat it out. Record what you’re feeling, rant about the terrible things that happened in the past or verbalize those deep philosophical thoughts you have in the shower. It’s cathartic. It really, really is.

So, my fellow adult children of alcoholics, grab your writing tool of choice and let the healing begin. It’s time to make some sense of the chaos, one word—or spoken word—at a time.

Remember, whether it’s on paper or a recording, your story matters. Your healing matters.

Cheers to your journey—the pens (and mics) are raised in your honor. You deserve the life you want.

Related Resources

How to Use Writing as a Healing Tool

Free guide: How to start a blog

Raise your hand if you have nagging worry that your spouse will leave you one day or that your friend will bail on you. Sound familiar? Trust issues are common for people who grew up with an alcoholic parent or who experienced other kinds of childhood trauma.  

What if I told you with time, effort and helpful resources and support, you can overcome these trust issues and enjoy happy and fulfilling relationships? Back in the day, I really struggled with trust due to my experience growing up dealing with my mother’s substance use disorder. Here are some simple steps you can take to overcome trust issues from your childhood as an adult child of an alcoholic:

1.  Acknowledge Where You Are Now

If you’re having trouble trusting others, the first step toward healing is to acknowledge where you are now. Although it may be tempting to ignore the problem or shift the blame, recognizing that you are experiencing trust issues because of your past experiences is one of the most important steps in moving forward.

When you feel yourself mistrusting an important someone in your life, pause and ask yourself why you are feeling that way. Has this person actually done or not done something to cause you to lose trust? Or, are you simply allowing your past experiences to invent reasons to mistrust?

The reality is we adult children of alcoholics are super great at seeking validation of our fears by creating reasons to mistrust that are completely made up.

2.  Let Your Friends and Family Know Why You Are The Way You Are

Unless you have firsthand experience with dysfunctional childhood experiences, it’s hard to understand trust-related behavior. We children of alcoholics can be mightily confusing, let me tell you! That’s why it’s important to communicate about trust issues. Your friends and family will appreciate the awareness of how you’re programmed so they can better understand why you struggle with trust.

Early on in my relationship with my husband, I explained my trust issues and what caused them. I need frequent reassurance that our relationship is healthy and strong. He grew up differently, and it’s difficult for him to understand why I think the way I do, but by educating him about this challenge, our relationship is far healthier. He has helped me overcome the trust issues, and I’m grateful for that.

3.   Understand Why You Have Trust Issues

Next, it’s important to understand the root of your trust issues. Although it may be difficult, processing your past childhood trauma is a crucial step towards healing.

As children, it’s normal and healthy to trust our parents. This trust provides a sense of comfort, confidence and security throughout our early years and into adulthood. Unfortunately, the reality for many children of alcoholic parents is much different. When a parent breaches a child’s trust through unreliability, withholding love or instability due to an addiction, it can cause harmful trust issues that many children of alcoholic parents carry into adulthood. Our parents were constantly letting us down so it’s totally normal that we end up fearing everyone we care about will do the same.

4.  Choose to Be Trustworthy Yourself

One of the best ways to help overcome trust issues is to work on your own ability to be trustworthy. Knowing that other people can trust you will give you greater confidence and higher self-esteem as you learn to fully trust other people in your life.

Be the spouse, friend, co-worker and neighbor you want. Sometimes, we can unknowingly hurt people because of our past.

More on that:

How I Hurt People Because I Grew Up with an Alcoholic Mother  

5.   Be Patient with Yourself

While it’s normal to struggle with trust issues as an ACoA, these issues can be extremely complex and difficult to deal with, so remember to be kind to yourself. Although it’s easy to become frustrated if you aren’t progressing as quickly as you’d like to, remember, the most important thing is to be patient with yourself and keep trying. Healing is a lifelong journey.

6.   Seek Help from a Therapist

Finally, therapy is another powerful tool to help you heal from trust issues. A skilled therapist can help you process past trauma, provide powerful insights and guide you throughout your healing journey. There is something mighty powerful about questions from a professional. Unlike your family and friends, a therapist doesn’t carry bias because they’re not in your circle of people. They’re essentially a stranger with no stake in anything and they’re going to look at things clearly. They could ask you questions that change the way you look at your life and how you live it.  

Look for a therapist who specializes in working with adult children of alcoholics (ACoA). Therapists who have experience working with other ACoAs are likely to be familiar with struggles you are experiencing and may be best equipped to help you.

More on that:

Unlocking Healing: Your Guide to Discovering the Perfect Therapist for Adult Child of an Alcoholic Recovery

How to Find the Right Therapist For You

Start Your Healing Journey Today

If you are struggling with trust issues as an ACoA, know that you are not alone, and there are many resources and support that can help. With time and effort, you can fully heal, learn to trust again, and experience happy and fulfilling relationships.