Jody Lamb: Empowering Adult Children of Alcoholics to Create Fulfilling Lives

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Creating the life you want

How to heal and improve your life in just 30 minutes per day

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Have you ever said, “I don’t have time for personal growth and healing?”

Personal growth and healing from tough stuff can seem time consuming and daunting.  Maybe you’re working two jobs. Maybe you have little kids at home who you need your attention.

Yet you know you have stuff to fix in your head and your heart, so you can continue building the life you want. You know you need to do some healing from tough stuff and growing, but you don’t know how to begin, and you are unsure if you have even have the time.

Before you throw your arms up and declare that all of that healing and personal growth will have to come later when you have more time in the future, hear me out.

You can find 30 minutes per day to give to it. Everyone can find 30 minutes, even if it means waking up a little earlier.

Sometimes, the most powerful, life-changing things don’t take much time at all. Someone once suggested that I tape a photo of little-kid me to my bathroom mirror as a reminder of what I deserve as a grown up. I laughed it off but reluctantly did it. Surprisingly, it changed my life! It sparked inspiration to do the things I dreamed of doing when I was a little girl such as writing. That inner-child stuff is mondo powerful.

1.      Journal for 3 minutes.

Get a notepad and place it beside your bed. No need for a fancy one. A simple one from the dollar-store will do. What are you grateful for today? Even in the worst of times, you have things to be grateful for. Ya do. Just jot them down. Also, what did you think about today that connects to past experiences? It is healthy to think about that tough stuff and recognize how it affects you today. Jot those things down, too. It will help you identify and prioritize things areas of focus.  

For years, I put off journaling as an adult because I felt like I needed giant blocks of time to write and it all just seemed like a big giant suck of time that I didn’t have, especially during the chaotic periods of my life. All you need a pen, paper and three minutes. Don’t worry about perfection or full sentences. Just write. Weeks later, you’ll read through those words and you’ll discover lots of things about yourself!

2.      Meditate, sit outside, or walk for 10 minutes.

There’s no right way to meditate. Just take deep breaths and sit in quietness or download one of those free apps or search meditation on YouTube and just listen to your breathing.

Or, just sit outside. Without looking at your phone. Just listen to birds or whatever the soundtrack is where you live. Or, take a walk. If you can’t walk outside, search “Leslie Sansone” and follow one of her walk-at-home videos.

3.      Read an inspiring book or listen to an audio book or podcast about a personal growth area that interests you most for 15 minutes. Schedule it and do it.   

In those 15-minute chunks, odds are high that you will catch something that shapes your perspective in a good way and leads to wiser decision making, one day at a time.

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Will these things really make a difference in your life? Yes, for the same reason fitness gurus advise that if you want to run a marathon, but you’re currently a couch potato, just start by walking for 5 minutes.

Prioritizing your personal growth and healing, even in just 30 minutes per day, will lead to discovery of the next steps for your own journey. With just 30 minutes per day, you’re investing 3.5 hours per week in YOU. The more you invest, you’ll find there’s more available time than you thought you had, and you’ll be on your healing journey without even realizing it.  

Remember, your only job in life is to take good care of you.

Wishing you well.

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How to get ready for your new, post-coronavirus future

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Last month, I wrote the 9,156th internal memo for my employer about the coronavirus. A leader asked me to change “preparing for our next normal” to “preparing for our new future.” Next normal is already overused and what is normal anyway, he said. He was so right, and it got me thinking about that common word.

Like me, you may have a long history with “normal.” I grew up with an alcoholic parent in a dysfunctional family system. So, as a child and young person, I felt my family’s normal was not normal at all, compared to the seemingly perfect lives of my peers. In other ways, I struggled to understand what normal even is. (Recommended reading: An Adult Child’s Guide to What’s ‘Normal’ by John Friehl)  

Since I started this healing journey, I realized that many people shared my normal so, in fact, I’VE BEEN NORMAL ALL ALONG!

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Normal is just what whatever is familiar to us and it doesn’t really exist as a standard anything. Its meaning varies by person.

But everyone is using the word to describe life before this pandemic came along and destroyed lives, killed people, and flipped everything that could be flipped.

When we’re wrinkled old people, we’ll tell the young-ins about how life was forever different after this wild pandemic experience. It is changing the way and where we work, learn, get care, shop, socialize…the list goes on.

The odds are high that if you’re on JodyLamb.com, you’re the kind of person who has been thinking about the short and long-term future and how your life is going to be or feel different when the pandemic wanes.

If you’re an adult child of an alcoholic like me, you probably crave predictability and to know exactly how things are going to be different. Gimme all the details, universe!

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You may be envisioning how your day-to-day life will evolve so that you can prepare. But the reality is that this situation is like nothing we’ve had in modern history and everyone who needs to figure things out is still figuring things out.

With much unknown and uncertain, we all must be flexible and tame the what ifs and worry. You gotta challenge what the future holds and try to keep your head up to the sky. You gotta be bold and wiser. All I know is love will save the day. Okay, yes, I’m quoting that ‘90s Des’ree song You Gotta Be. I played it on repeat in high school before my cross-country meets and I still love it.

Four ways to get ready for your new, post COVID-19 future

1.  Build healthy habits and keep them as if your life depends on them.

The pandemic likely dramatically disrupted your daily habits. You may be planning to act on your health goals when all this craziness settles down. But this is a dangerous slope. Whatever your habits are – eating healthily, exercising, seeing a therapist, etc., – you should start now.

It’s going to be a long time before anything feels familiar and this pandemic is mightily unpredictable. It’ll be way easier to make sure these healthy habits live on when more change arrives if they’re already well embedded into your life.

As the brilliant James Clear said, “You do not rise to the level of your goals. You fall to the level of your systems.” Read James’ “Atomic Habits,” if you have not already. It’s gold.

It is not easy to build a system of self-care habits if you are caring for other people but it’s critical. You’ll be no good to anyone if you get sick or become an old, cranky person full of regrets about your life.

2.  Create new pastimes and hobbies.

A new language. Virtual therapy. Blogging (Check out my Free guide: How to start a blog). Home-improvement projects. New pets. Adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA) healing journeys. It is so amazing to hear about all the cool, new things people are doing during the pandemic time!

Your pastimes may have to be different due to major changes that affect those activities or your own wishes may have changed. Take the time now to find new pastimes.

Side note: On a recent conference call, someone asked the group what new things we’ve picked up since the stay-at-home orders went into effect. I was quiet as my colleagues listed all the impressive things they’ve been doing. Someone learned American Sign Language. Another has been cooking gourmet meals. Another renovated a basement. Another is learning how to play guitar. Literally, the only thing new I’ve done since March is wear sweat or yoga pants every day for about 90 consecutive days because I’ve been working so much. Yeesh. 😊 Must start something new.

3. Learn new ways of managing stress.

There are a lot of stressors these days, you know, with a global health crisis at hand and all. It is a great time to prioritize reading, meditation, yoga, exercise, or whatever activity helps you manage stress.

I’m currently working from home in health care communication, so I’ve worked some 16-hour days on my couch. In the very worrisome early days of this terrible time, I had no time to pay attention to my body and realize how stressed I really was. Since then, I’ve been adding many new good habits and paying attention to stress triggers. The following tactics have helped me reduced the impact of stress on my well-being:

  • Limit news consumption to 30 minutes per day
  • Watch comedy shows and videos because laughter is like medicine for my soul, you guys
  • A few 10-minute breaks during the workday
  • Listening to music. This really helps me. I realized that if I am on deadline for something that is complicated and otherwise stress inducing, that it is best that I listen to jazz or old time-y stuff like Ella Fitzgerald because I analyze the lyrics of my usual rock and alternative rock too much and it breaks my focus, and there’s something about that old time-y stuff that calms me.

4.  Take this time to be unprecedented about your own life.

“Unprecedented” is another word used a zillion times per day right now. It’s true – everything about the pandemic is new and scary – and somehow, we’re making our way through it.

It is challenging us to do everything in new ways and to be courageous and creative. There is no choice but to find a way to get the thing done that needs to get done and so we do!

With this new mindset and things being far more figure-out-able than we ever thought they could be, maybe this is exactly the right time for you to make changes in your life, be bolder and bravely take chances.

Perhaps this unprecedented time will go in down in your own personal history as the time you finally started living and taking good care of you.

What would you add to this list? Please let me know in the comments.

Wishing you good health and wellness in mind, body and spirit.

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Why not you? The truth about your capabilities that you’ve buried

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When we’re little, grownups appear to have it all figured out and our peers seem smarter, cooler, happier and more normal than us.

Then we become grownups and believe everything said grownups taught us and that we’re still less than all our peers.

Then, we add those embedded “truths” to the opinions we consume for hours every day from hundreds of people – family, friends, neighbors, coworker, social media, radio, podcasts, TV, movies, music, books, yada yada. Voices of the past and today mix together to create an extremely loud soundtrack for our every day. It’s so flipping loud, it’s impossible to hear your own voice.

How loud is your life today?

Sometimes, you need to shout, QUIET! Do what you need to do to turn down the volume on all the other voices. Spend less time on social media. Block out people in your circle whose words don’t light you up and encourage you. There are things you know in your heart you can accomplish and that there’s a way of living life that you can have but you’ve buried them because people have taught you they’re unrealistic or impossible.

Listen to you!

Because why not you? You are capable of more and you deserve the life you want.

3 simple daily habits that will improve your life

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The most powerful, life-improving habits are not major at all. Seriously.

“Habits are the compound interest of self-improvement.”― James Clear, Atomic Habits: An Easy and Proven Way to Build Good Habits and Break Bad Ones. If you haven’t yet read that book, I highly recommend that you do!

Here are three simple, daily habits that have made a huge difference in my life. Maybe they will for you, too:

1.      Focus on gratitude and avoid complaining.

As the law of attraction states: You will receive an abundance of what you give energy to.

This isn’t personal growth mumbo jumbo.

Stop yourself when you feel like complaining about something. Instead, jot down what you’re grateful for at that very moment. This has a magically effect on your mindset. It really does.

2.      Embrace the one-day-at-a-time mindset.  

Right now is all we have for certain anyway. So, focus on what you can do today with what you have today. This prevents overwhelm.

3.      Do something truly for you.

It amazes me how many people say they are just too busy to do anything they love to do. We all have the same 24 hours. Even if you only have 15 minutes to devote to you, make those 15 minutes count!

Play guitar. Have a solo dance party. Take a walk. Pin photos of your future home on Pinterest. Take a bath. Talk to your dog. Listen to music – and don’t multi task. Be present for 15 minutes and you’ll make more good decisions that support self care and inspire you to stay you or be a better version of you.

5 books that could change your life

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Right now, there is stuff about you that you don’t even know that you don’t know. Personal growth books can be hugely helpful in this area. Books are mind opening and critical in the self-discovery journey. They do not cost much and should be considered an investment in you!

In order to create the life you want, you have to understand yourself and what you may or may not be doing to sabotage yourself. Books can single-handedly guide you to take action that will change your life for the better.

Here are five books that I’ve read or re-read recently that have had had a positive influence on how I’ve lived in 2019:

1.      You Are a Badass

You Are a Badass by Jen Sincero

Summary from Amazon

“YOU ARE A BADASS IS THE SELF-HELP BOOK FOR PEOPLE WHO DESPERATELY WANT TO IMPROVE THEIR LIVES BUT DON’T WANT TO GET BUSTED DOING IT. In this refreshingly entertaining how-to guide, bestselling author and world-traveling success coach, Jen Sincero, serves up 27 bitesized chapters full of hilariously inspiring stories, sage advice, easy exercises, and the occasional swear word, helping you to: Identify and change the self-sabotaging beliefs and behaviors that stop you from getting what you want, Create a life you totally love. And create it NOW, Make some damn money already. The kind you’ve never made before. By the end of You Are a Badass®, you’ll understand why you are how you are, how to love what you can’t change, how to change what you don’t love, and how to use The Force to kick some serious ass.”

Why it’s special

The difference between this book and other personal growth books is the conversational tone and memorable stories of how real people did seemingly impossible things to transform their lives and get what they want. For example, there was a guy who decided he wanted to meet President Obama, poolside. He was a regular guy who didn’t hang out poolside with anyone noteworthy. But just a few years later, goodness gracious, that dude was meeting President Obama poolside.  

The ideas in You Are a Badass are not new (the power of a power mindset and law of attraction) but it’s the conversational, in-your-face way that Jen writes that makes it move people.

How it changed my life

I’ve read thousands of personal growth and clinical books in my life. So, I have high standards about which ones I choose to read (there’s a lot of fluffity fluff ones that may be great for some but not me). My sister says I’m a bit of a personal-growth book snob. It’s just that the ones you find at Target are usually just rehashes of other books that I’ve already read. So, when my sister gifted me this book for Christmas last year and mentioned that she bought it at Target, I thought, yeah, it looks like it was made for Target. I mean, the cover is bright yellow with retro-modern font and “badass” is in the title. But then I read it in half a day….and then bought the audio version. Then, I bought five copies for friends.

Yes, it was that good. Jen Sincero impressed this personal growth book snob! It turns out that while I’d read so much about the law of attraction and the subconscious, I hadn’t really absorbed it or translated those ideas into actionable next steps in my own life.

After reading “You Are a Badass,” I created a meaningful, don’t-hold-back vision board, dramatically changed the way I process and share social media content and did lots of things that intimidated me such as finally finishing my book for adult children of alcoholics, being bold work and joining a public-speaking club.

Read this book and you’ll create actionable steps to create the life you want.

2.      It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing Up with Addiction as Youngsters, Adolescents, and Adults

It Will Never Happen to Me: Growing Up with Addiction as Youngsters, Adolescents, and Adults by Claudia Black

Summary from Amazon

“This ‘little green book,’ as it has come to be known to hundreds of thousands of C.O.A.s and A.C.O.A.s, is meant to help the reader understand the roles children in alcoholic families adopt, the problems they face in adulthood as a result, and what they can do to break the pattern of destruction.”

Why it’s special

About 30 years ago, social worker Claudia Black’s books were part of the groundbreaking movement for adult children of alcoholics. “It Will Never Happen to Me” speaks to children of alcoholics, spouses and friends of alcoholics or anyone with a substance use disorder about how their experiences shaped how they live today. It’s an excellent first introduction to codependency and other very common traits and challenges for my fellow adult children of alcoholics or anyone who grew up with any kind of dysfunction such as with a narcissistic parent.

How it changed my life

I first read this book in 2009 when I first started this journey; it made me realize that I was still living in the ultra-responsible adult role that I’d taken on as a young girl. In this role, I was still failing at my only job in life: taking good care of me.

I read “It Will Never Happen to Me” again in early 2019 as I celebrated 10 years on this journey of healing. It was a great reminder of the progress I’ve made, and how influential that first read really had been for me in those early days of getting educated.

See also: Best books for adult children of alcoholics and my book, 7 Things That Change Everything

3. Atomic Habits: An Easy & Proven Way to Build Good Habits & Break Bad Ones

Atomic Habits by James Clear

Summary from Amazon

“Tiny Changes, Remarkable Results. No matter your goals, Atomic Habits offers a proven framework for improving – every day. James Clear, one of the world’s leading experts on habit formation, reveals practical strategies that will teach you exactly how to form good habits, break bad ones, and master the tiny behaviors that lead to remarkable results.”

Why it’s special

Read (or listen) to this book and you’ll discover that the secret to creating the life you want is habits and the 5,000 decisions you make every day. Making goals is easy; it’s the habits that make them anything and enable you to achieve them or not.  

How it changed my life

James totally called me out on my excuses. This year, I’ve made great progress in improving my morning and evening habits, how I “show up” in all my interactions and how I prioritize my time. My goal of writing another book before end of 2019 is nothing but a few words on a piece of paper. It’s what I do every day that makes or breaks my ability to achieve this goal

4. The Sleep Revolution: Transforming Your Life, One Night at a Time

The Sleep Revolution by Arianna Huffington

Summary from Amazon

“In The Sleep Revolution, Arianna explores all the latest science on what exactly is going on while we sleep and dream. She takes on the sleeping pill industry, and all the ways our addiction to technology disrupts our sleep. She also offers a range of recommendations and tips from leading scientists on how we can get better and more restorative sleep and harness its incredible power.”

Why it’s special

Arianna shares the science behind sleep and the data that proves how critical sleep is to good health. You need glorious, amazing sleep, my friend, even when you’d rather be doing something else. After reading this book, you will understand why sleep is important to your mind, body and spirit.

How it changed my life

This book convinced me, when I didn’t want to be convinced, that sleep may be the single most important self-care activity for me (and probably most adult children of alcoholics. I grew up with terrible sleep habits so naturally, these habits followed me to adulthood. I stayed up late and then couldn’t fall asleep. I set my alarm clock for too early and then pressed snooze over and over.

After reading “The Sleep Revolution,” I began paying attention to the effects of sleep (or lack of) and how my days went. By math, there isn’t much difference between seven and six hours of sleep and yet my body says otherwise. I noticed a huge difference in my life experience when I slept seven hours or longer. I am calmer, sharper, more creative and an all-around better person. When I get six hours or fewer of sleep, I feel crappy, which makes me crappy in every way. I feel more frustrated with myself and further away from satisfaction. I am more likely to project these feelings onto other people. Now, I prioritize sleep and it has made me a better, healthier person.

5. The 5 Second Rule

The 5 Second Rule by Mel Robbins

Summary from Amazon

“How to enrich your life and destroy doubt in 5 seconds. Throughout your life, you’ve had parents, coaches, teachers, friends and mentors who have pushed you to be better than your excuses and bigger than your fears.  What if the secret to having the confidence and courage to enrich your life and work is simply knowing how to push yourself? The 5 Second Rule is a simple, one-size-fits-all solution for the one problem we all face—we hold ourselves back.”

Why it’s special

In this book, Mel Robbins proves that the simplest ideas can be extremely powerful. The 5-second rule got its start in Mel’s TEDX talk. She briefly mentioned how she used a 5-4-3-2-1 countdown and envisioned a rocket takeoff to motivate herself to get out of bed when she was in a deep depression. The 5-second rule went virtual and it changed people’s lives. This book covers the basics of the 5-second rule as she described in the speech as well as many stories from people who used the rule to make immediate decisions that had majorly positive effects on their lives.

How it changed my life

The 5-second rule has been extremely helpful in the small decisions I make every day that have big ramifications.

What books have been inspirational for you?

Note: This post contains affiliate links. If you make purchases via one of the links, I may earn a small commission.

3 things you should stop doing if you have anxiety

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1.    Not getting enough sleep.

Sleep is an extremely weird thing and, in the hustle-hustle-hustle world, it’s increasingly undervalued.

You can’t cut corners on sleep.

A few years ago, I had this epiphany and dramatically improved my relationship with sleep, which had been affected by the fact that I am an adult child of an alcoholic.  Recommended reading to learn the science behind sleep: Arianna Huffington’s “The Sleep Revolution: Transforming Your Life, One Night at a Time.” Every hour of sleep is an investment in your good health and anxiety prevention.

I challenge you to experiment and make a point to get at least seven hours of sleep – ideally eight hours. Then, pay attention to your ability to handle life. For me, lack of sleep and anxiety are lovers. When I do not prioritize sleep, anxiety shows up like the @#*-hole it really is.

When I haven’t slept enough, especially after three nights in a row, it takes me notably longer to do everything because my creativity is crippled and overwhelm creeps in and before I know it, anxiety has me in an uncomfortable bear hug.

But….how do you get enough sleep if you’re already anxious? How do you fall and stay asleep if you have anxiety? I know, I get it, it’s hard. Here are the basic things I do to support falling and staying asleep:

  • Limit caffeine. I don’t consume caffeinated anything
    after noon.
  • Turn off the screens. Put away your electronics
    at least an hour before you plan to get into bed.
  • Meditate. There’s no wrong way to do it.
  • Take Melatonin as needed. Melatonin is what your
    body naturally produces to fall asleep but when anxiety interferes, Melatonin
    supplement helps with that.

2.    Taking on other people’s problems as your own.

My fellow codependents, I’m talking to you, my friends.  It’s time to stop taking on other people’s emotions, work and problems.

It may seem simplistic, but I ask myself an important question all day long. Is this good for you? If not, don’t do it. If yes, do it. Learn to say no, even when it feels very wrong.

Your only job is to take good care of you.

3.    Not prioritizing what brings you joy.

Anxiety is ultra powerful. Once it’s hanging around, you make bad decisions because you can’t think clearly. When you stop making time for doing the things you love to do, then your anxiety worsens, and the cycle goes on and on.

I challenge you to make time – even if it’s only 15 minutes per day – to do what brings you joy. For me, this is laughing, writing and being outside with my dog. In the hecticness of life, it’s very easy to let a day go by without these things. Now I know that I must make time for these activities. I wake up earlier to walk a mile while watching The Office or something else guaranteed to make me laugh. I ignore the pressing to dos in order to laugh with a coworker. I sit outside with Rocco. I write, even when I’m tired.

What works for you? Anxiety tips are appreciated.