Jody Lamb: Empowering Adult Children of Alcoholics to Create Fulfilling Lives

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Creating the life you want

How to Detox Your Body and Mind for a More Positive Outlook on Life

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Tired of being tired? Never have enough energy to get done what you want to get done? Feeling down about how your life is going? I get it because that’s how I used to be, too. What if I told you there are a few simple ways to rejuvenate yourself through a life-changing body and mind detox? These tips helped me get into the right place mentally and physically to achieve my goals and start building the life I want!

Detox is one of those intimidating words that feels like a lot of work with starvation and suffering in the mix. But detox is simply a new way to look at your routine, diet and mindfulness. Small, low-effort changes can make a huge difference in creating the life you want.

Over the last 12 years since I started my healing journey, I’ve learned so much about how to take care of my whole being – body, mind and spirit. But I feel like I’m just getting started! There’s so much more to learn. But here are my tried-and-true tips for detoxing your body and mind for a more positive outlook on life. These are helpful if you are experiencing high levels of stress, healing from tough times or feeling negative about yourself or things around you. 

Small Changes You Can Add to Your Daily Habits for Detox 

  1. Stay hydrated. Water is a miracle. It literally helps flush out toxins and keeps all your organs working well. I used to loathe drinking water, but I realized if I kept it ultra-cold, it was far tastier to me. Now drinking at least 60 ounces of water a day is a habit. My energy levels drop if I don’t drink that much.
  • Pay attention to your diet. Making small changes to your daily diet bit by bit will make a huge difference along the way.
  • Switch from coffee to green tea.

It turns out green tea is credited with a lot of the same benefits as water. Coffee can dehydrate. Make sure you don’t drink it too late in the day, though, so it doesn’t affect your ability to sleep. I stop drinking anything with caffeine by noon.

  • Focus on sleep. Sleep is pretty much the most important thing for us humans. I have always had an unhealthy relationship with sleep and suffered through bouts of sleeplessness. Use essential oils and candles, turn off your screens 1-2 hours before you hit the bed and dim lights 30 minutes before bed. When I really can’t fall asleep, I take Melatonin, which is a natural supplement.  
  1. Reduce sugar and salt intake.

I recently began using the MyFitnessPal app to track what I eat with the goal of eating more balanced meals. It was shocking to discover how much sodium and sugar I was unknowingly consuming when eating salads and other healthy meals because dressings and other toppings are loaded up with salt and sugar!

  • Limit alcohol.
  • Walk.

Walking is the best exercise in the world, in my opinion! It is sustainable and fun. I walk every morning and it puts me a great state of mind to start the day.

5 things I must do as an ACoA or I lose it (jodylamb.com)

5 Ways to Detox Your Mind

Mental health is extremely important and I’m so glad it’s getting the attention it deserves these days! It is as important as physical health. Mental detox is all about focusing on your only job in life – to take good care of YOU. It begins with giving time every day to supporting your mental health.   

  • Meditate. There’s no wrong way to do it.
  • Start a journal. Give 5 minutes to it every day. Don’t worry about grammar or being Billy Shakespeare. Just write what’s on your mind. You’ll be amazed by what you discover.
  • Practice yoga.
  • Go for a walk or hike. If you can’t go outside, walk in your living room, like me! The Walk at Home videos are awesome.
  • Set time limits on your social apps. Really, nothing good comes from spending hours on social media.
  • Talk to a therapist. I wish the whole world had a therapist! Everybody can benefit from talking with a therapist – whether you’re going through intense trauma today or healing from it or you just feel generally stuck in your life. If you’re not keen on the idea of being in an office, consider an online therapist. Earlier this year, my employer announced all mental health virtual visits would be covered be fully covered by our insurance – zero copays. That was the nudge I needed to get back into therapy. Things always pop up in my healing journey and it’s very helpful for a third party to take a listen and ask a few questions. It often makes me think about my situation differently, and I can see clearly what I need to do next.

Note: The thing about therapy, I learned firsthand, is that you may have to try a few different therapists to find the one who suits you. Don’t give up after the first chat. After my father passed away suddenly, and I was dealing with the chaos of grief and my mother’s substance use disorder, I went to a few therapists until I realized I needed to find one who specialized in grief AND Adult Child of an Alcoholic Syndrome/dysfunctional family stuff. When I did, it made all the difference. He just understood me better.

The best results come with prolonged healthy habits but small changes, like journaling, drinking more water every day, will make a big difference. If you only have 15-30 minutes to give to taking good care of you every day, make it happen. You’ll be amazed how just that small amount of time can do wonders for your mind and body – and improve your overall outlook on life so you can move forward with creating the life you want.

There you go! Now you have tips for detoxing your body and mind for a more positive outlook on life.

3 things you’d never guess about successful people

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Think of the most successful people you know or wish you know. There’s something about their lives that you envy but it may feel entirely out of reach in your own life. What if I told you that YOU have high likelihood of success, too? By successful, I mean you can successfully create the life you want. It turns out that success is much more attainable than most people realize. There are three traits I’ve discovered are common among successful people and you may share these traits. You are poised to successfully create the life you want, too!

1. Their drive is greater than their talent.

Think about successful people you know. Are they talented? Probably. But there are people likely more talented than them, but they have determination to create the lives they want. This drives motivation and commitment that ultimately leads to success. There will always be people more talented than you but what makes you more likely to succeed comes down to unwavering belief that you deserve success and doing everything you can to make it happen. Most people will never achieve their full potential because they don’t believe they deserve it. Believe that you deserve it and put the work in to make it happen.

Steve Martin is one of the most beloved comedians, actors and filmmakers. He’s very talented but so are many others who failed to achieve the same level of success. His successful comes down to his drive. As a child, Steve decided he wanted a wildly successful career. He performed and honed his stand-up routines a dozen times per week before the age of 20. When he failed, he learned.

“I did stand-up comedy for eighteen years,” Steve wrote in his book, “Born Standing Up.” “Ten of those years were spent learning, four years were spent refining, and four were spent in wild success.”

Be grateful for failure and keep going.

2. They experienced extremely tough stuff in life.

It knocks me over when successful people describe the challenges they faced in their lives. How is it possible they want through hell and not only survived but achieved a life others envy? AMAZING! There’s nothing more inspiring than the people who bravely decided to overcome those challenges and achieve their goals to create the lives they want.

Adult children of alcoholics like me spent most of our lives convinced that successful people had an upper hand in life Adult children of alcoholics like me spent most of our lives convinced that successful people had an upper hand in life because they came from a healthier family. I always thought that achieving success is easier for everyone else because they have both greater talent and fewer issues than me. Turns out that’s bologna. All have issues and some have very little talent but abundant belief.

Media icon Oprah Winfrey has been open about her difficult childhood marked by poverty and physical and sexual abuse. She decided early on that she was destined for a different life than that of her family, and she made it happen by inspiring millions of people worldwide. She is like the many successful people I’ve met over the years who rejected the “bad cards” mindset. The “bad cards” mindset occurs when people experience tough stuff such as growing up with an alcoholic parent and feel they were dealt bad cards in life and, as a result, will never have the life they want.

How I see it is you have two options if you experienced extremely tough stuff in life: Follow the same path as the people around you or go in the entirely opposite direction with determination to make a much better life happen and never give up the pursuit. It’s not possible to walk both paths; if you still have one foot on the well-beaten path of your family, you can’t move forward with your own path.

3. They are the committed to the art of discipline.

Successful people don’t claim to have everything figured out. In fact, they are open about the constant learning journey. They celebrate the chance to be committed to something that is bigger than themselves, and they learn and pivot and do better.

Chris Ilitch runs his family’s globally successful Little Caesars pizza chain and other companies. He said people often comment that his family hit the lottery with the success of their businesses. But the truth is, he explained, their success had nothing to do with luck and everything to do with his family’s commitment to discipline and determination.

Likewise, Canadian Olympic medalist Leah Pells found hope in running as she coped with the effects of her mother’s alcoholism. I’m a fan of Leah’s memoir, “Not About the Medal.” Growing up, Leah redirected focus on the pain and fear from that experience into becoming a top athlete, and repeatedly set and achieved goals that pushed herself farther than critics said she could.

When you’re different enough to believe you can achieve something remarkable, you will.

There you go! These are the three things you’d never guess about successful people who created the lives they want. It’s about time you started thinking of yourself as a successful person. You are just as likely to create the life you want, even when the odds are against you, as the people who’ve already done it. Let’s do this!

How to set healthy boundaries with your parents

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My parent is meddling in my life.

My parent is making me feel guilty constantly.

My parent is too involved in my life.

My parent is still relying on me for things they should do on their own.

If you’ve ever had any of these thoughts, you’re not alone. These days, it is common to struggle with a parent’s approval of your lifestyle, career, religious or other choices. Or, if you’re like me, you may struggle with detachment and feeling like it’s your job to take care of your parent. Fortunately, creating healthy boundaries with your parent is an effective way to mend or improve your relationship and it’s easier than you think. There are tried-and-true ways to set boundaries with your parent that will help you and your parent have a healthy relationship. For people who have an alcoholic or narcissistic parent or grow up in some other dysfunctional environment, healthy boundaries are extra complicated. But my tips for creating healthy boundaries with your parent are based on my own successful boundary-setting adventures with my mother who has a substance use disorder. If I can do it as an adult child of an alcoholic, you can, too. Are you ready to set healthy boundaries? Let’s do this!

First, recognize that your only job in life is to take good care of you. Then, identify the boundaries.

Embrace this fact to make boundary setting way easier. Question everything you do and the conversations you have with your parents. If something isn’t good for you, don’t do it. It’s as simple as that. I mean, if you must do a good job taking care of yourself, then it is important to protect your emotional well-being. Boundaries are necessary.

In case you need someone to remind you:

  • You don’t have to listen to your parent’s rants
  • You don’t have to participate in one-sided conversations with your parent
  • You don’t have to be a stand-in for your parent’s therapist
  • You don’t have to stand for your parent’s attacks on your lifestyle/career/relationships/political views
  • You don’t have to be an on-demand delivery driver for your parent
  • You don’t have to change plans because they need you to do something unexpectedly 
  • You don’t have to engage in conversation with your parent on topics that make you uncomfortable
  • You don’t have to loan your parent money because they’re not good at managing their finances
  • You don’t have to earn your parent’s approval

1. Get used to saying no.

Are you always saying yes to whatever your parent wants you to do? Been there. I’m a recovering people pleaser, too! There was a time in my life in which I couldn’t have imagined saying no if my mother called up and needed me to do something. It felt like my job as her daughter to do whatever she asked. No matter what kind of impact the ask had on my life, I did it. Drop what I’m doing? Okay. Change my plans? Okay. Pay for this or that? Okay. At an early age, I had switched roles with my mother, as is often the case with the oldest adult child of an alcoholic. I’ve played the role of mother and my mother, the child. For adult children of alcoholics or narcissists, this is the normal we’ve always known.

The first few times I said no to my mother, it felt very strange. I hosted Thanksgiving Day dinner one year for our extended family. After I had already planned and communicated a dinner time to everyone and purchased all of the ingredients for the meal, my mother insisted that I change the dinner time to earlier in the day and that I make other dishes instead because…that’s what she preferred. I said, “No, this is what the plan is. It works best for me and I’m not changing it.” It seems ridiculous now that it took courage for me to stick to my plans, but this is how much control my mother had over everything. Another time, my mother called and said she needed to borrow something and needed me to drive it to her asap. I explained that I had other plans and was headed out the door for another obligation. My mother sighed and complained. It wasn’t easy saying no, but it was very freeing and every time I did, it got easier. Eventually, Mom began being more considerate of my plans and my life.

2. Know that boundaries often feel wrong. Stay committed to them anyway.

When you set and stick to a boundary, it may feel wrong, but it may be the right thing for you. The truth is healthy boundaries with your parent will improve your relationship with them by preventing resentment and bring you closer, even when it feels like it’s doing the opposite at first.

In 2014, after my father died unexpectedly, everything I knew about codependency and boundary setting flew out the window. I moved out of my apartment and into my mother’s house because I thought it was the right thing to do. My sister needed me, and, well, I thought if I didn’t, Mom would die. After three months, I realized that all it did was almost kill my sister and me. I made the most difficult decision of my life and moved my sister and and me out of the house. When I packed up the last boxes and pulled out of the driveway, I sobbed and continued sobbing for the next three days. It felt like I was abandoning a sick child to die. Imagine how painful that would be. It felt so wrong, but it turned out to be what may have saved Mom’s life. Without Dad and me, Mom had to be an adult for the first time in her life. Within a few weeks in our own space, my sister and I began thinking and living healthily. The fog lifted, and I realized that it was absolutely the right thing to do for all three of us. Often, the most difficult, painful, terrifying decisions are filled with a lot of unknowns; you can’t see the weight of the decision until it’s in the rear-view mirror.

3. Lead with love and explain to your parent why you’re setting the boundaries.

Communication is important to all relationships, including with your parents. Recognize what boundaries you need to set with them and communicate it. If conversations with your mother about who you’re dating or not dating leave you feeling like crap, let your mother know that’s a topic best abandoned for your well-being. If your father’s lectures about your career choices makes you feel misunderstood, let your father know that’s an off-limits topic and that’s best for your well-being. If you don’t want to attend your cousin’s wedding because you’d rather cheer on your best friend in the marathon she’s been training for, decline. If your parent protests, say your friend needs you that weekend and your friendship is very important to you. If your Mom is calling to borrow money again, tell her you can’t because you have your own financial well-being to maintain. 

Be prepared that your parent will feel hurt or angry when you begin setting these boundaries. Always lead with love. Explain that you love them, but you’re focused on taking good care of yourself. Self-care habits and boundaries are important to helping you achieve your goals.

How to start boundary setting conversations with this statement:

I love you, and our relationship is important to me. But I feel _________ when __________. I am focused on taking good care of me. So, we are/are not going to __________. I need to ______________.

Remember that boundary setting may take time so it’s important that you stick with it. One day, I told my mother told her that I love her, and I’d always be here for her but that I would no longer accept her calls at night when she’d been drinking because they upset so much. I explained that hearing her like that made me sick with worry and prevented me from being able to fall asleep and I needed to take good care of myself. She said I’m selfish, and that comment echoed in my mind for days. For adult children of alcoholics, when a boundary with a parent feels really wrong, it’s probably really right for you. After that conversation, Mom continue to call me every night for 20 days while she was drinking, and I did not answer. This was hard for me because every call I ignored, I feared she was in trouble, and the worry ruined my nights. She finally accepted the boundary, called only on Saturday mornings and our relationship dramatically improved. I set that boundary nearly seven years ago, and it remains in place.

There you go! You’ve learned how to set healthy boundaries with your parent with easy-to-follow steps that will have a big impact and make it easier for you to live the life you want. Remember, your only job in life is to take good care of you, and that includes protecting your emotional well-being. Boundaries are an important tool to help you do that.  

Wishing you serenity.

Note that I am not a therapist or behavioral health professional. I do not give advice. I’m sharing my personal stories as an adult child of an alcoholic in recovery in hopes that it is helpful for other people. Always consult with a behavioral health professional when you need help.

How to create a budget to reach your financial goals

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What are your big financial goals? Buying a house? Trip around the world? Kids’ education? Start a business? Get out of debt?

If you’re anything like me, you landed in grownup land with limited financial education. My parents always struggled financially, and they did not have the know how to teach my sister and me the money skills I’ve since learned on my own. Through my personal growth journey, I’ve read a lot about personal financial planning. Holy moly, were my eyes opened fast to how much I had to learn! Fortunately, there are so many books and free resources available online today that it’s easy for all of us to get financially educated.

A couple of years ago, I posted a video about how I spent most of my adult life lacking money-management skills. I’ve never been the type to overspend on unnecessary things, but I have a terrible history of being talked into extra spending by salespeople. People-pleasing adult child of an alcoholic here! However, since then, I’ve learned the importance and power of a budget and that knowledge has helped me minimize those situations.  

Defining a Personal Budget

A personal budget is a great way to assess and monitor your finances on a monthly basis, while also tracking your spending habits. You can design a personal budget any way that works best for you, but be sure to include these key elements:

  • Current Income
  • Fixed and Variable Expenses
  • Emergency Fund
  • Savings

Here are my top tips for creating a budget to help you achieve your financial goals:

Start With Your Income and Expenses

Starting with your current gross income, subtract all benefits and 401K investments to determine how much money you bring in on a monthly basis. Total your fixed expenses, which typically include rent, transportation, utilities, and maintenance, and estimate your variable costs, which often consist of entertainment and hobbies. This end total will be your expendable cash. Keep your savings in mind when it comes to delegating it within your budget, with most financial planners encouraging the 50/30/20 rule. 50 percent of your budget is accounted for by your fixed and variable expenses, 30 percent is free to spend on entertainment, and 20 percent is set aside into a savings account. If you haven’t already, set up a savings account with your bank and refrain from withdrawing unless necessary. This system is also a great way to reduce the chances of overspending beyond your budget, and ensures all debts are accounted for prior to spending on “wants.”

My bank has a spending tracking tool tied to my debit and credit card that alerts me when I’m nearing or over my budget for a particular category. If your bank doesn’t have that, there are several free apps you can connect to your account to do the same thing for you.

Determine the Best Type of Budgeting for You

Your budget should depend on your current lifestyle and needs, making it important to research the various budget options. The most common methods include:

  • 50/30/20 or 80/20 Rule
  • Pay Yourself First or Reverse Budget
  • Zero Based Budgeting
  • Envelope Method

Use a digital spreadsheet or a written list to organize the above information in a way that makes it easy to digest monthly financial statements and overall health. With this comprehensive outlook into the money you have for saving or spending, you can then determine the right budget for your current lifestyle.

Blogger Kalli Branciforte has helpful information about her financial planning journey and free budget tools. I like her free money tracker tool.

Be realistic about your budget. It’s a lot like exercising or anything else that requires commitment to a habit. If you can’t imagine life without your Netflix subscription during these pandemic days, keep it in your budget.

Like the 50/30/20 rule, the 80/20 rule divides up your income into 20 percent savings and 80 percent spending. This simplistic approach immediately removes your savings from your expendable income and determines areas in the 80 percent in which you spend the most to focus on the large expenses and ways to cut back. The Reverse Budget works similarly in that you pay yourself first by putting more focus on your savings prior to expenses and luxury spending.

Zero based budgeting, on the other hand, allocates every dollar that comes into a specific expense. When trying this budgeting method, your expenses should be equal to your income. This applies to the last option, the envelope method, as well, by forcing you to choose a purpose for every dollar you earn and placing these expenditures in different categories. You can organize these categories into physical envelopes, giving you physical cash to spend until there is no more left in the envelope, or you can place them into individual bank accounts.

I have not yet personally used the envelope method, but I think I should soon. Last week, the lady in line in front of me at the grocery store was using it. I asked her if not using her debit or credit card helped her control spending more effectively. “I started doing this three years ago,” she said. “I could never go back. It makes a huge difference because it forces you to pay attention to every item you put into your cart!” What am I waiting for?!

Map Out Your Goals

Once you have a budget created, you can begin planning for your future! Whether it’s to get married, make a career change, or buy a home, begin listing milestones you would like to accomplish in the next five to 10 years, and then move on to longer-term goals.

Around these lists, design a timeline that helps map out when and how you will afford each step. Estimate future costs and how long each will last and establish savings that will cover initial costs and set you up for a shorter-lived payment. This also aids in helping you figure out what you can afford. For example, if you plan on buying a home in the near future, analyze your budget and your loan options to determine how much you can realistically afford. This will help narrow down your options and prevent further setbacks.

One of my longtime financial goals was to buy my own home. In 2016, I contacted a mortgage company and was pre-approved for a HUGE loan. It was exciting and terrifying! It is super important to recognize that the mortgage amount you’re pre-approved for may not what’s best for your budget. Spend time really studying how much you can afford. I bought a house in 2017 with a loan that was much smaller than what I had been pre-approved for, and I am soooo glad I made that decision.

Take this time to also invest in yourself. Consider continuing your education or taking on learning opportunities that expand your career goals and assist in achieving money-related goals. Planning for retirement can be looped into this step as well. Reach out to your employer to see the benefits and 401K options they offer to get you started on the right foot! Most retirement plan providers have great on-demand webinars, videos and other resources on their websites.

Save for a Rainy Day

Building a budget and healthy savings is no small task, and it takes commitment and organization to be financially stable. Having an emergency fund is often an afterthought, but it’s important to keep yourself afloat in times of financial stress. An emergency fund should be separate from your traditional savings account and can be in the form of investments like a Roth IRA or a stand-alone bank account that is out of sight, out of mind. Whichever option you choose, ensure you have at least six months’ worth of living expenses in case, like the name entails, there is an emergency.

It’s also important to continuously track your spending when it comes to saving, which includes updating your budget based on fluctuating incomes, lifestyle changes, or after incurring large costs. If you find yourself struggling, use helpful resources like banking or investment apps, or reach out to a financial advisor for help. Your financial health is important, so don’t be afraid to seek professional assistance to keep you on track toward your goals.

Creating more income

During this budget work, you may discover that you need to bring in more income. I’m continually amazed by all of the side gigs that can generate money that really adds up! My friend is a Facebook Marketplace guru. She buys things at thrift stores and spiffs them up with paint and then sells them with a markup to people who are delighted with her treasures. Blogging is also a great way to earn extra income. See my free step-by-step guide on setting up a blog.

There are so many great bloggers sharing insight into how you can make money in your spare time. Check out the Making Sense of Cents blog and Rachel Cruze’s articles and videos, Chalene Johnson’s resources and Chris Guillebeau’s book, The $100 Startup, for inspiration.

Whatever your financial goals are, I wish you success in achieving them!

How writing could change your life: The healing power of writing

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What were you doing in 2009? For me, 2009 was a year of painful but needed change. It was the year I discovered the power of writing as a tool to help me heal and start my journey of creating the life I want.

Before then, if someone had suggested that writing would help me, I would have cited lack of time and exclaimed, I’m supposed to be moving forward! Thinking about – let alone writing about – the effects of my mother’s alcoholism on me would have seemed like the very last thing I should do.

But that year, in complete desperation and fear of what might happen if I did not do something to get help for myself, I began my healing journey. To my shock, writing became a critical part of my healing – and without it, I’m not sure where my life would be today.

If you’ve dismissed writing for healing in the past, I am writing this article for you. Please hear me out because I believe strongly that there’s power in writing that could really help you!

5 types of writing that could change your life and help you heal and create the life you want

1.      Journal.

Grab a pen and notebook. Write as little as a sentence every day. You don’t need to spend more than a minute or two to journal. Jot down what upset you, what made you laugh, what inspired you, what hurt you, what you’re grateful for, etc. Then, every few weeks, go back and read all of your notes. The words may help you discover where healing is required, and what you need to do to make little or major changes in your life. Just write. Don’t worry about grammar or spelling. Sometimes, caveman-ish writing is all that you may have time or energy for, and that is fine. The key is to just get your feelings and thoughts on paper. Words provide visuals that could lead to life-changing realizations and actions.

2.      Blog.

Around that pivotal 2009, I looked online for blogs written by fellow adult children of alcoholics (ACoA) but found very few. After reading the clinical ACoA books and discovering that millions of people shared a variation of my story, I was confused about why the ACoA topic was still such a secret. I was inspired by the stories shared by strangers in Al-Anon meetings (Al-Anon is a support group for people affected by loved ones’ addiction) and began blogging about my ACoA learnings and healing journey to pay it forward. Today, there are many bloggers sharing their experiences growing up in alcoholic or other dysfunctional environments – and it’s a very good thing!

If you’ve ever considered blogging, I highly recommend you invest some time making it happen! Like other types of writing, you may find healing in sharing your story. Write about what you’ve looked for online but cannot find or find too little of. There’s something special about your experiences and perspectives. Share it.

Check out my free, comprehensive How to Start a Blog guide.  

Maybe you’re worried that starting a blog is too time consuming or overwhelming, and you’ve marked it as a maybe-someday thing. Well, I want you to pull blogging off the shelf and make it happen! I bet you have great things to share. You’ll enjoy the process, inspire other people and maybe even make some money!

Free guide: How to start a blog

3.      Write fictional stories.

As I began my healing journey, I enrolled in a creative writing class at my local community college. It felt like a good thing to do because I’d loved writing as a little girl but had stopped doing it when I was a teenager. It was exactly what I needed as I learned how to take better care of myself.

Out quickly came a story of a 12-year-old girl named Easter Ann with an alcoholic mother. It began as a single homework assignment but when our instructor asked me to read the story aloud, several classmates said they connected with the character and encouraged me to keep writing because they’d never read any books about parental alcoholism and would have been helped by that when they were young. So, I continued with the story inspired by my own experiences as a girl.  It was shockingly cathartic. I never thought that reliving some of those painful memories from childhood would bring about any good, but it did. Before long, I had an entire book manuscript. It was exactly the book that I wish I’d read as a girl to understand addiction, that my mother’s drinking had nothing to do with me and to realize that I was very far from alone in my struggles. Writing that book, I felt more hopeful and more like the grownup I hoped to become because writing made me realize just how much my mother’s addiction had affected me. I needed to recognize all of that – as painful as it was –  so that I could see the opportunity I had to heal and finally move forward with creating the life that little-kid me had dreamed of so many years ago. In 2012, Easter Ann Peters’ Operation Cool, a novel for tweens, was published – and has since been read by thousands of children around the world.

If you’re interested in fiction writing, consider enrolling in creative writing courses at your local community college, joining a community writer’s group through your local library and attending writer’s workshops and events hosted by writer’s associations in your region. You may find that your stories – inspired your experiences –  could help you – and other people.

Jody Lamb at Easter Ann Peters Operation Cool launch
At the launch of Easter Ann Peters Operation Cool in November 2012.

4.      Use writing workbooks.

You may be among those people who are aren’t sure what to write about, or how to get started writing for healing, but recognize you experienced trauma and tough times in the past and need to do something about it…one day.

Well, one day is here, my friend.

Consider picking up one of the many healing workbooks that walk you through those experiences. I know several people who found workbooks for healing even more impactful than their therapy sessions. There is something about words on a paper, I tell ya! Fair warning, thinking and writing about traumatic experiences can be intense. No doubt about that! However, adult children of alcoholics and survivors of other types of trauma must recognize what happened deeply affected them. This is critical to recognizing what you need to do to get started in healing, and in knowing that you’ve had a completely normal reaction to what occurred.

“Recovering from Trauma Workbook” by Dr. Tian Dayton was helpful for me to recognize the trauma I had experienced as a girl, teenager and young adult. I had not realized until the writing exercises in that workbook that my trauma had continued into adulthood! That realization was particularly important to me identifying what changes I needed to make to my life in real time!   

Dr Tian Dayton Recovering from Trauma Workbook

5.      Write letters.

This is the option that people who are reluctant to write seem most willing to try, so I saved it for the end in case you’re still not convinced about the power of writing. 😊 Writing a letter to someone who hurt you – a father, mother, sibling, child, friend – whomever it is, could be very healing. You can write a letter to someone without any plans to actually send it to them.  The letter could include everything you’ve wanted to say but couldn’t find the right opportunity or the courage to say it in person. The letter could also be about forgiveness. Also, sometimes, messages are simply best shared in writing anyway.

In 2017, I wrote a letter to my mother, explaining that I forgave her for all the ways her substance use disorder (addiction) hurt our family and me, and that I loved her, and that I would always have sadness in my heart that she could not/would not accept the help I tried to give her my whole life. Before giving her the letter, I called her, and those two actions were very hard for me. But now three years later, I know that letter was hugely impactful and extremely free-ing – a critical step in my journey! I HAD to forgive my parents, and then forgive myself so that I could move forward.

Whether or not writing for healing is for you, I wish you continued success in creating the life you want! Keep taking good care of you. It’s your only job in life.

p.s. If you’re just beginning your adult child of an alcoholic healing journey, here’s my recommended book list. Best wishes to you.

Best books for adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs)

Five things Jenna Fischer did to create the life she wants

By

If you spotted actress Jenna Fischer on the street, you’d probably shout “Hey, Pam!” Jenna is best known for her role as Pam Beesly on my favorite and one of the most beloved sitcoms of all time, The Office.

Jenna Fischer // Photo from OfficeLadies.com. Jenna’s Office Ladies podcast has been around since 2019 and I somehow JUST discovered it!

I recently listened to Jenna’s audiobook The Actor’s Life: A Survival Guide, which is a funny and helpful memoir-ish how-to guide for aspiring actors. I have zero interest in acting but I’m fascinated by stories of how people successfully created the life they want. It’s also interesting to learn about the ins and outs of show biz. I liked the book; you may, too!

Jenna is a regular lady from the suburbs of St. Louis, and before she landed the life-changing gig on The Office, she spent nearly 10 years struggling to make it as an actor while facing hundreds of rejections and setbacks in Hollywood. Jenna’s story is inspiring and filled with lots of lessons as YOU go after the life you want and deserve.

Five things Jenna Fischer did to create the life she wants

1.      She never stopped learning.

After graduating from college, Jenna headed out to Los Angeles feeling well prepared with her fresh degree and handful of theatre credits. Quickly, she realized that Hollywood was full of people with more talent, more beauty and more everything than she had, and that it would take extreme determination to achieve the life she wanted, which included being a cast member of a TV comedy series.

As she landed small roles, Jenna realized that despite having a degree, her acting education was just beginning. She had a lot to learn, including the art of auditioning. It’s one thing to be a good actor but it’s another thing to understand the business, she explained.

So, Jenna enrolled in acting classes and took on projects to push herself out of her comfort zone. She kept creating her own projects and said yes when other actors with similar levels of experience asked her to join their projects. She even had her own comedic magic show that she performed around L.A. for a while because it was fun and scary at the same time.

2.      She focused on her strengths.   

Jenna worked as a temp assistant while she was struggling to pay the bills, which helped her later perfect her performance as receptionist Pam on The Office. She knew she played well the characters who were “sweet, trustworthy, open, cute and vulnerable” so she went after roles with those qualities. She did not pretend to be someone she is not.  She recognized her strengths and focused on them.

In her audition for The Office, she wore hardly any makeup and dressed as she did when she worked in real offices. When the casting director asked, “Do you like being a receptionist, Pam?” She simply replied, “no,” and did not elaborate. This resulted in funny, awkward silence that the casting team loved because it felt very real. Look at this clip from her audition; so naturally Pam!

Jenna’s audition for The Office.

3.      She focused on improvement and looked at her career as a business.

Jenna realized that she had to have a business mindset when it came to her career. Be CEO, she said. This will help you make the tough decisions. When she had outgrown her supportive, kind agent and it was time to hire a new one, Jenna was able to make that important, though emotional, decision when she realized that business opportunities were on the line.

When Jenna was not selected for a role, she studied the notes from the casting team to learn what she could have done better. She welcomed criticism and asked everyone she knew to give her honest feedback, even if it hurt a little or made them uncomfortable to share it. In the end, the constructive criticism helped her improve in many areas, which, over time, made her substantially better and led to more jobs.

For example, even though she had a favorite pair of overalls, and wore them in two sets of headshot photo shoots, she listened when other people advised that she swap her overalls for something different. She also filtered out any advice that strayed from her image and her morals – such as advice about having nude photos taken to be considered for more roles.

4.      She sacrificed.

While many of her friends settled into their careers with stable salaries and the ability to shop at Pottery Barn, Jenna lived on “actor’s pizza,” which is a piece of bread, two packets of ketchup and a slice of American cheese.

5.      She never gave up.

Jenna stayed determined over the years, following the advice of Saturday Night Live (SNL) star Molly Shannon, whom she met one night after skipping work and sneaking into an SNL party.

“[Molly Shannon] could have just walked away or been like, hey weirdo party crasher, but she didn’t,” Jenna said. “She took me by the shoulders, and she said, ‘Never give up. That’s what you need to do. You need to never give up because it took me 10 years before I landed on SNL. Ten years. And nobody knew who I was. And I just kept going, and then everything changed after I got SNL. So, don’t give up.’”

It took her many years, but Jenna created the life she wants, beginning with the role on The Office. She’s also very grateful for the experiences and relationships earned on her 10-year journey to get there.  

From The Actor’s Life, we learn that creating the life you want comes down to determination and consistently showing up and delivering, even when you’re tired, when it’d be easier to give up and when it means you have to quit living like everyone else. The reality is that most people simply will not have the life they truly want because they’re unwilling to put in the work and make the necessary changes. But you, my friend, are not one of those people.

“All of us have bad luck and good luck,” Jenna said. “The man who persists through the bad luck—who keeps right on going—is the man who is there when the good luck comes—and is ready to receive it.”

Since The Office, Jenna has starred in several films and sitcoms, and is happily married with two children. She’s living the life she wants.

The more I read/listen/watch the stories told by people who, like Jenna, have made it happen, the more I’m convinced that you can do anything you want to do, despite low odds and despite people saying it can’t be done.

Never, ever give up. You deserve the life you want.