ACOA

These posts are about topics related to adult children of alcoholics aka ACOAs or COAs.

Why I tell people I’m an adult child of an alcoholic

People often ask why I choose to tell people that I am an adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA) and that my mother’s substance use disorder really affected me. It’s a VERY personal topic, after all. This is an important decision for ACoAs; for many, it is best for them to keep that part of their lives private and that is totally A-OK. Do what is best for you.

For me, I simply could not make progress in healing and creating the life I want without making this important recognition. When I got educated about addiction, I realized that I had many traits tied to the ACoA syndrome. It was 100 percent necessary for me to declare, “Yes, I’m Jody Lamb. I am an adult child of an alcoholic!” This freed me to tell myself: I am totally normal. Despite the things I feel and the challenges I face, I am going to heal, reprogram my brain and create the life I want! I needed to recognize all the things that happened and then move forward.

In 2009, when I started on my journey, I went looking for people writing and sharing about their own ACoA self-discoveries online and I found very few doing so. I decided to begin blogging about being an ACoA because I knew millions of people shared a variation of my story and someone might find it helpful.

Today, I cannot imagine what my life would be like if I didn’t have that important declaration. This led to also sharing about it on social media, creating a YouTube channel with an ACoA topics focus and publishing an ACoA book, “7 Things That Change Everything,” that I am so grateful is available for free download, worldwide.

Now that I’m 10 years into my journey and I’ve made so much progress healing and creating the life I want, people have asked, why carry the ACoA label with you at this point? Other have commented that calling yourself an ACoA can cripple your ability to move forward. They say that label is like keeping a dark cloud over you and that it can make people say, these are the cards in life I was dealt, and all these terrible experiences have given me a heap of issues. Therefore, I will never have the life I want.

I suppose that can happen, but I’ve met far more ACoAs who would never allow having an alcoholic parent to become a pass to give up. Rather, they take control of their own lives by recognizing that past experiences shaped how they think and live and then they do what they need to do to heal and change.

Sharing that I was deeply affected by my mother’s alcoholism is an important reminder that…

I’ve accomplished SO much, despite everything I experienced and the very normal way my brain was programmed.
Millions of other people experienced very similar things in life and may believe they are alone. Sharing my story could help people. It is very important to me that I share my story to give back to the people who’ve inspired me with their stories. I want people to know that I am living proof that you can heal and create the life you may not be able to even imagine today. I am one of the many ACoAs who’ve healed and created the life I want.

Maybe one day I’ll decide to remove those four letters from my social profiles and writing but I doubt it.

I will always be an adult child of an alcoholic – one who healed and created the life she wants.

May you be well in your journey. I wish you peace and serenity.

New here? Hello! I’m Jody Lamb, a personal growth author and blogger. If it helps you create the life you want, I’m writing about it. I’m an adult child of an alcoholic; I’m healing and enjoying the life I want! Get my book for free here. Subscribe for free access to my monthly newsletter:

Here is the video version of this post:

I wrote you a book

By Jody Lamb

I am so excited to announce that my book, 7 Things That Change Everything, is now available for download! This is a book for you, my fellow adult children of alcoholics, about healing and creating the life that you want and deserve.

For the last 10 years of my life, I have been healing, reprogramming my brain and creating an awesome life. In seven short chapters, I reveal the realizations and practical things I did to create my own playbook to create the life that little-kid me dreamed of.

It was important to me to make this book available for free. It’s free everywhere, except Amazon because Amazon requires a cost.

Available on your favorite ebook app:

Amazon (Kindle) $0.99 USD

FREE

Barnes & Noble (Nook)

This book is a big deal because 10 years ago when I was at my lowest point and lacked hope for the future, I went looking for this book, but it did not exist. At the time, I had no idea there are millions of people who had similar experiences and were feeling like I did. So, 10 years later, I wrote this book for you.

I’ve been so inspired and encouraged by thousands of people who’ve shared with me their stories, their determination and their success in creating the lives they want. This is my way of continuing that conversation.

I hope that you discover the seven things (or more) that change everything for you. I wish you joy, serenity, peace, laughter and truly the life that you want and deserve.

Jody Lamb is an author, blogger and adult child of an alcoholic on a journey to create an awesome grownup life. Visit JodyLamb.com. Twitter and Instagram: @JodyMLamb. YouTube: /JodyLamb. Facebook.com/JodyLambAuthor.

Trauma in my 20s & what it says about the future

By Jody Lamb

I’ve had another ACoA healing journey epiphany. 10 years into this, I am still learning!

I read an article a few weeks ago about research related to parents who have a child diagnosed with a life-changing disease are being diagnosed with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) as a result of the trauma. This was an unusual article because most of the mainstream media coverage of PTSD is tied to people who served in the military.

Afterward, I thought about specific events and the general trauma I experienced between the ages of 21 and 25 years old when my mother’s substance use disorder was at the worst point of our lives. On this blog and my YouTube channel, I have not shared much about how my brain was being programmed to think a certain way during this time because I did not realize I was still being shaped at that point!

I thought my adult child of an alcoholic traits (such as anxiety, lack of satisfaction with myself, trust issues, people pleasing, etc.) were tied only to my experiences as a child and teenager. I did not realize that the trauma in my family during my 20s was doubling-down on how my brain had learned to work in my earlier years.

So, what does acknowledgement that I experienced trauma as an adult mean? It proves you can program your brain, no matter your age. The person I am today is almost unrecognizable from 26-year-old, very depressed me. Our brains are designed to learn and adapt for survival. I believe acknowledging all your experiences, at all the points you lived them, is so important to identifying what you need to do to heal and to give confidence that just like negative experiences changed your brain, positive changes to your environment, habits and hope can create the life you want.

Remember, your only job in life is to take good care of you.

Here is the video version of this post:

5 things children of alcoholics should know

By Jody Lamb

It’s Children of Addiction Week, a week-long effort to raise awareness around the impact of addiction on the family. I’m an adult child of an alcoholic, and there are five things children of alcoholics should know.

As a grownup, I’ve healed from tough times, reprogrammed my brain and am actively creating the life that little-kid me dreamed of years ago.

But wow, there are many things I wish i knew when I was growing up.

Here are five things children of alcoholics should know. Fellow adult child of an alcoholics, what would you add?

1. You are not alone.

Addiction is extremely common. About 1 in 4 kids live in a house where an adult has addiction. A quarter of the people you know at school, in sports, in your neighborhood, etc. are coping with the confusion, hurt, anger, sadness — all of the mixed feelings that come when someone is controlled by a substance.

Growing up, I knew my mother had a “drinking problem,” and I thought all the problems that came with that were unique to my family. I worked hard to keep it a secret because I was ashamed and certain that with my abundant determination and love, I would successfully make my mom stop drinking.

I felt very alone. Then I grew up and realized that about half of the kids I knew were going through the very same thing or much worse in their home.

2. Addiction is terrible, and it has nothing to do with you.

You can’t cause someone to drink alcohol or use a substance like a drug, no matter what that person may say. Addiction takes hold of a person’s brain and causes them to do and say things or not do or say things. In fact, addiction seems to take the very best people in a family — the kindest, smartest, funniest, sweetest. This is very sad.

Throughout my life, my mom’s behavior was very confusing. I looked for predictability. Sometimes, I was showered with love. Other times, I was neglected.

I thought I affected my mother’s drinking because I wasn’t enough. I was not well behaved enough, I didn’t make her heart whole enough, I didn’t make her happy enough.

Then I grew up and learned about addiction. I realized that my mother’s drinking had absolutely nothing to do with me. That realization felt like a zillion pounds were lifted from my shoulders.

Once I understood addiction, I understood my mother in a way I never could have imagined. I could let go and forgive my alcoholic mother and my codependent father who coped with all of it in the only ways he knew.

3. You can only control you.

For the first 26 years of my life, I felt it was my job, as the eldest daughter to get my mom to stop drinking. I had no education about substance use disorders, also known as addiction. I did everything I could think to do. I went looking for hidden bottles of alcohol and poured them out. I cleaned the house. I reminded about important things. I cleaned up messes. I practically raised my little sister. I was a mini adult at a very young age.

I got on my knees and begged Mom through tears. I wrote long letters. I got mad at broken promises and didn’t speak to her for days. Year after year, I did the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result that never came.

Then I finally realized that you cannot control anyone but yourself. You can always offer support and help but if someone does not want it, that’s their decision and there’s nothing you can do to make them accept your love, support and help.

4. You are normal.

The way your brain works and everything that you feel inside is completely normal.

My whole life, I’ve had extreme anxiety. I took worry to quite a level. I predicated problems that didn’t exist and created what-if scenarios — along with the plans A, B and C I would take to solve them.

I felt ashamed. I felt not good enough because I’d failed to save Mom from addiction.

I felt not normal.

Then I realized I had a 100-percent normal reaction to the world I’d known and that all the feelings/challenges I had are very, very common.

In fact, I’ve never met a fellow adult child of an alcoholic who doesn’t share most of the same traits as me.

The good news is that you can heal and teach your brain to think and react differently so that you can create the life you want.

5. Your only job in life is to take good care of you.

That’s it. Your job is to make sure you are safe, healthy and happy and that you have serenity. Your job is not to take care of your parents, your brothers and sisters, your grandparents, your friends.

As the eldest adult child of an alcoholic in our family, I took care of everyone but myself. This went on for 26 years until one day, I realized that I’d become quite sick.

In order to do your only job, you must be brave and ask for help sometimes. In order to take good care of you, sometimes you have to make decisions that feel very wrong, but you realize later that they were the right thing to do for you.

Keep reminding yourself of your only job and it will set you on the healthy path to the life you deserve.

When you go on an airplane, the crew explains that if there is an emergency, you have to put your oxygen mask on your face before you try to help other people.

The reason is that if you try to help someone else first, you won’t make it. You’re no good to anyone if you’re not healthy and safe yourself.

The most important thing to do know

You’re going to have an amazing life. Hold onto hope. It’s extremely powerful.

Help for children of addiction

If you have a parent or other loved one who drinks too much or uses a substance, and it affects you, there are resources on this website, JodyLamb.com.

My free e-book for adult children of alcoholics about what I’ve learned on my healing journey will soon be available for download. Sign up for my email list on JodyLamb.com to be notified when it’s available.

Jody Lamb is an author, blogger and adult child of an alcoholic on a journey to create an awesome grownup life.

7 things grownups should know

By Jody Lamb

About 10 years ago, I had been in this grownup land for a few years. I looked around at my fellow grownups. They fell into two categories:

Those who were very determined to make their dreams happen they had a very clear vision for what they wanted out of life. They had a plan to make that happen.
Then there was the more populated group which was people who had kind of settled for life as it had become. They gave away their dreams or put off for the future. They had just settled into what was kind of a subpar version of what they may have dreamed of as a kid.

Ever since I began paying attention to those grownups around me and I’ve been on this journey of creating the life that I want and deserve, I have recognized that there are these key things that I believe all grownups should know, especially those who come from dysfunctional family systems.

Here are the 7 things all grownups should know. 1: You are not alone. 2: You caused nothing. 3: You control only you. 4: You have one job. 5: Your future is undefined. 6: You turned the key. 7: You already know the path.

Jody Lamb is an author, blogger and adult child of an alcoholic on a journey to create an awesome grownup life.

Seven ways to survive Thanksgiving with your dysfunctional family

By Jody Lamb

Who’s ready for pumpkin pies? Green bean casserole? Giant Clifford the Big Red Dog floating between skyscrapers? I am! Thanksgiving Day will be here soon.

For the gratitude and celebration of freedom that this special day inspires throughout our country, I am a fan. But for my fellow adult children of alcoholics and anyone who comes from dysfunctional families, this holiday may bring about all the feels.

Fortunately, I am thrilled to share that I may, actually, sort of, kinda, be looking forward to Thanksgiving this year.

I used to D.R.E.A.D. this holiday. This because my mother’s drinking always ruined it. Then there were complicated dynamics when my mother’s substance use disorder worsened when I was a teenager. That’s when my mother and father stopped attending holiday gatherings on both sides of my parents’ families.

This left me feeling highly responsible to represent the family because tradition, you know? Because my grandmas wanted to see us, you know? So, on the holidays, I drove my sister and me to our family celebration for my father’s side of the family and then across southeast Michigan to the get together for my mother’s side of the family. Lots of driving. Lots of energy. Lots of pretending everything was okay. Lots of pretending I was okay. Lots of coming home then to extreme dysfunction on Thanksgiving night.

Thanksgiving is uniquely stressful. Hours of dedicated time with your family, usually many people who may not see each other often and smooshed together. Lots of memories and wounds and relationships you’d call “complicated.”

For you, I have seven ways to survive Thanksgiving with your dysfunctional family.

1. Picture yourself having a good time.

The law of attraction is real, my friends. Imagine yourself unbothered by commentary and opinions. Be positive and you will manifest better experiences. Do not replay the bad memories from past Thanksgivings in your mind. You will tell the universe, Give me more of that again this year!

2. Focus on the “fun” in dysfunctional.

In every dysfunctional situation, there’s something fun. Recognize that dysfunction in family systems is as common as turkey on Thanksgiving. Your ultra-competitive brother may be a little too into winning foosball. Another character in the TV show called [insert your family name]. Let the annoyance go and laugh at the ridiculousness.

3. Avoid the emotional traps by not engaging.

Odds are, you have some family members who intentionally or unintentionally make you feel like crap about yourself and the way you think and live. When those comments come, don’t engage in the conversation.

If your mother ALWAYS critiques your outfit, ignore. If your uncle asks you why you don’t have a boyfriend for the gazillionth time, answer politely that you’re living the life you love and walk away. You don’t have to have long conversations with your family’s Debbie Downer, opinionated political guru or judge-y perfectionist. Spend the most time with the people who make you feel good.

4. Take breaks.

Sometimes, you just need a minute. Now that I am regularly hosting Thanksgiving, I take 10-minute walks with my dog every 90 minutes or so. Everyone just thinks I’m being the dog person I am. Take a walk and call a friend. Sit on the porch. Find a quiet corner.

5. Set boundaries.

Thanksgiving is the official start of the magical holiday season so it’s enveloped in expectations of merriment and togetherness all tied to traditions. If you need permission to opt out, here’s your permission: YOUR ONLY JOB IN LIFE IS TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU SO DO NOT NEED TO PARTICIPATE IN ALL TRADITIONS.

Remember, if it feels wrong to skip it, it’s probably the right thing to do for you.

If you know your alcoholic parent is going to be drunk and you’d rather not relive that experience or abuse, stay at a hotel, instead of your parents’ home.

I will not shop on Black Friday. Nope. I refuse, even though I have people in my life who’ve made it a tradition to rise at the crack of dawn and shop all day. While I enjoy being with those people, my loathing of crowded malls and long lines overpowers it.

6. Create new traditions.

Thanksgiving lives on with its old traditions until you decide to create new ones. Go see that old friend who’s in town for the holiday. Leave dinner before dessert so that you can go home and put on your comfiest pants and watch a movie or read a book.

The more things tied to Thanksgiving that you can look forward to, the better the overall Thanksgiving experience will be for you.

7. Remember that you can control only one person: YOU.

When you feel all the feelings rushing back and salt flinging at your old wounds, remember that you can’t control anyone but yourself. Remind yourself about how far you’ve come in being you. Living and thinking differently from your family is okay. In fact, look around. It’s probably a good thing.

Though social media is exploding with photos and videos of people who are all smiles as they make fancy stuffing and truffles from scratch, that this holiday is, by historical roots, dysfunctional!

The first Thanksgiving feast was with Native Americans and pilgrims over a three-day period. For sure, that feast was awkward and required patience and diplomacy.

I wish you a great, healthy Thanksgiving. I am grateful for you.

Jody Lamb is an author, blogger and adult child of an alcoholic on a journey to create an awesome grownup life.

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Why I tell people I’m an adult child of an alcoholic

I wrote you a book

Trauma in my 20s & what it says about the future