Like many, I’ve been working from home since March and cranking out communications for my health care organization employer amid a pandemic. Long hours but lots of meaningful work!  

This whole time, I shuffled between my couch and an old $50 fashion chair intended for no more than 10 minutes of cradling your tush. When my employer announced that we will be working remotely until well into 2021, I declared it was time to invest in a proper home-office chair. My back was always hurting and, as a coworker pointed out, if you’re sitting on your couch, something’s wrong with your desk chair.  

I recently bought the perfect new office chair but couldn’t let myself enjoy it until I kicked out the guilt and used affirmations to remind myself that I deserve a nice chair. Here’s how to use affirmations in your life to change your destructive adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA) thinking. 

Let me share the story of this chair because it led to an important ACoA lesson. To internet I went, and learned more than I want to know about desk ergonomics. How are we all still alive with our terrible workspace setups??!! After that research, I concluded that the best chair for me is Herman Miller’s Aeron chair, which is widely regarded as one of the greatest office chairs ever made. I could get it at the right size for my body and it is extremely adjustable for a highly-custom fit.  But the price tag is more than $1,000, which sent me into a laughing fest like the time I was in a Boston boutique and saw a holey t-shirt priced at $6,000.

As I shared in this video about money management, I rarely splurge on things for myself. In this case, I knew my cheapo chair was affecting my back, but $1,000? C’mon.  Surely, I could find a chair that’s also good but more reasonably priced. I searched, and read hundreds of reviews, but couldn’t find a chair that felt right enough. Days passed, and every time I sat on the fashion chair, or relocated to the couch, I fantasized about the Aeron chair.

On video calls with colleagues, I studied their chairs and spotted the top brands. Is that a Steelcase chair? Why, yes, it is.  In the recent vice-presidential debate, I noted that the moderator’s chair was none other than Aeron, the greatest chair ever designed. Alas, I figured I would go through life mildly obsessed with the Aeron chair but never actually own one myself.

Then the universe went to work. Turns out there is a Herman Miller discount through my employer, but the discount didn’t bring the price down enough. Then my employer gave an unexpected, small appreciation bonus to all employees, which would cover a large chunk of my Aeron bill. But Herman Miller couldn’t ship the chair until December any way, I reminded myself, but in an inquiry about another, cheaper chair, the Herman Miller rep said, “We can ship an Aeron to you in two weeks, Jody!”

My ACoA thinking tried to stop me from getting the chair.

The universe wanted me to have that chair! Everyone wanted me to have that chair.

I was out of reasons Aeron couldn’t be mine, so I clicked the Buy button and quickly walked away from my computer and ignored the confirmation email alert. I knew that if I waited any longer, I would find another reason not to go for it – and my adult child of an alcoholic brain is stubborn!

This chair will be the fanciest thing I own, I announced to coworkers who chuckled at my extreme enthusiasm over an office chair. Nearly all had splurged on something for their home office, or something for themselves through the pandemic – massages, new TVs, etc. – because, well, we’ve all been working like crazy! An office chair, they commented, wasn’t exactly what most people would consider a splurge. It was practical, and it has a 12-year warranty.

Then, my ACoA thinking tried to prevent me from enjoying the chair.

But remorse slapped me in the face within 48 hours of my purchase. Who the heck do I think I am? I bought a $1K office chair. To use as I work at my $75 Ikea desk. As I scarfed Cheerios the next morning, I crafted the perfectly polite, explanatory email to the Herman Miller rep to cancel the order, but I deleted it. I didn’t want Herman Miller to regret extending the discount to my employer, and, well, I did this, and I needed to accept responsibility for my irresponsibility.

Plus, now my purchase was a thing at work. Colleagues sent gifs and inquiries about the chair’s arrival in the days leading up to the delivery date. They wanted to know all about it – and they were smiling when they asked. My chair obsession spread a little laughter during a time in which we really need it.

Two days early, a delivery truck appeared in front of my house and I wondered what would happen if I opened the door and told the delivery man my order was all a pandemic haze-induced mistake and could he please return it? But I didn’t want to inconvenience him. Hi. ACoA people pleaser here; that’s a separate topic.

The chair shipped fully assembled, which was another major selling point for me, and the ginormous box, which took up half of my front porch, sat out there until my meetings were done for the day. Then I dragged the box inside, and found a home for it in the corner of my living room. There it sat for the next three days because opening it meant Aeron was a permanent purchase, even though my credit card had already been charged. Then, the inquiries arrived.

Friend via text: Did your chair arrive?

Me: Yes, it’s been sitting in my living room all week.

Friend: What? Open it!

Me: I will.

Friend: You’ve been waiting for it for weeks!

Me: I know.

Adult children of alcoholics do many things that confuse the people who care about them, and this is a great example.

So, I opened the box, and rolled out beautiful Aeron. Indeed, it was everything I knew it would be: a work of art, high quality and extraordinarily comfortable. Every time I slid my communication-manager butt into the curved mesh, I appreciated the comfort and unsuccessfully shooed away guilt.

In the 11 years I’ve been on this journey to heal from the effects of my mother’s alcoholism, I still learn something new about myself constantly.

I stopped my ACoA thinking, so that I could enjoy the amazing chair I deserve.

After a few days of having the chair in my life, I got sick of that lingering guilt that prevented me from fully enjoying it. I wondered: Why did I have these bizarre feelings about my amazing office chair? I work hard, and I deserve a high-quality chair. It wasn’t like I had made a hasty decision! The research was over the top!  

Clearly, I determined, it’s all tied to my Adult Child of an Alcoholic Syndrome. My ACoA brain works differently. Deep down, I did not believe I deserved a nice chair, even though I’m a grownup lady who works really hard and can afford to buy it. It’s the way of thinking that was programmed when I was a little girl. I learned to think that all good things will be taken away, that something bad is always around the corner and that I am not worthy of nice things. Goodness gracious. How ridiculous, but totally normal.  

How to stop your ACoA thinking through affirmations

When this old ACoA way of thinking arrives out of nowhere, I deal with it using one of the many tools I’ve picked up on my journey. In this chair situation, I knew a few affirmations would help. BTW, I used to think that affirmations were so cheesy and Deep Thoughts by Jack Handy-ish. But they’re powerful. They really are.

For a few days, every time I walked by the chair, or sat in it, I said this aloud: I am an author. I am a professional communicator. I deserve a great chair like this one so that I can write and do my job in a healthy way.

Now I love my darn Aeron chair, and I’m so grateful for it.

Adult children of alcoholics or anyone who experienced dysfunctional relationships in their lives may also have this challenge of feeling unworthy of good experiences and good things.  Never underestimate the power of positive statements in the form of affirmations. Same them out loud. Write them down. Repeat.

Seriously, it sounds hokey and weird – and at first, you’ll feel super awkward about it. But this stuff works. It does.

In case you need to hear it today from someone other than yourself: YOU DESERVE GREAT THINGS.

Yes, that’s in all caps, because if we were standing together in person, I’d practically shout that at you and cause a scene.

Wishing you the best on your journey.

New here? Hello! I’m Jody Lamb, a personal growth author and blogger.🔆Get simple strategies to create the life you want🔆 Learn how to heal from tough times🔆 Discover your next step. Get my book for free here. Subscribe for free access to my newsletter:

People often share with me that their parent has or had “drinking problems” that really affected them. Recently, I’ve noticed a trend with people recognizing this fact but stating that it’s too late to work on themselves. Ship has sailed, they say. Probably should have had therapy, they say as if therapy is only beneficial for people under the age of 30.

Whatcha talkin’ about?!!

It is never too late to heal and grow. In fact, it could be argued that therapy is most impactful when you are thirty something, middle-aged or older because you have so many more years of wisdom and clarity at that point. The more years you have, the more opportunity you have for growth.

We are on a life-long learning journey. I will still be learning and growing when I’m a wrinkled, old lady!

I believe there are three things all adult children of alcoholics should do, regardless of their age:

1.      Read the books about addiction and get educated.  

My grandmother was a sweet Irish and Italian lady whose life was marred by the effects of addiction in those she loved with her whole heart. My grandfather’s extreme alcoholism led to his early death and then half of their eight children grew up and into the arms of addiction, too. Read the books about addiction, she told me when I was a teenager. Grandma read the books but suffered quietly despite being so educated because that was what little, Catholic ladies did back then. The last thing a teenager wants to do is read thick books written by psychologists. I have no time for that, I replied, and my mother was the one who needed to spend time understanding addiction – not me!

Finally, as a twenty something, I reached a pivotal moment of desperation. I picked up those books about addiction because I was in search of the illusive solution to cure my mom of her addiction and get her to stop drinking so that my family and I could finally live happily ever after.   

When you read about addiction, you understand the science behind it and the heartbreaking reality that your family’s secret of addiction is a global problem that likely affects as many people as it does not. This education opens your mind to more learning. I realized that my mother was extremely ill, and that I was, too, because the effects of addiction ripple through all the people who love that addicted person.

Reading those books led to reading books about the adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA) syndrome and the common traits we have such as the ultra-powerful codependency.

See my recommended list of books for adult child of alcoholics.

Best books for adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs)

2.      Listen to other people’s stories.

The world is full of billions of people who’ve lived through utter hell – due to addiction in the home or other types of dysfunction. They share variations of the same stories with shocking similarities.

The internet enables us to swap stories and wisdom with one another. Absorb the books, blogs and social media content that these people are taking time to share with you. Be a sponge. You never know when someone’s story of how they healed and moved forward to create the life they want will inspire you and help blaze the next step in your own journey to create the life you want.

Hands down, other people’s stories had the greatest impact on my own healing journey – much more than the books and the short stints with therapy. It’s the Amazon review effect. We’re moved by the words and experiences of regular people like us who’ve lived through very terrible things and successfully created the lives that they want.

3.      Take good care of yourself, every day.

I’m not referring to bubble baths and matcha – although, those are good things.

I’m referring to living every day with the one truth that escapes so many of us adult children of alcoholics. Your only job in life is to take good care of yourself. When you really live with this as your guide, you will make tiny decisions every day that lead to major changes to create the life you want.

That’s it.

Wishing you all the best in your journey.

New here? Hello! I’m Jody Lamb, a personal growth author and blogger. If it helps you create the life you want, I’m writing about it. I’m an adult child of an alcoholic; I’m healing and enjoying the life I want! Get my book for free here. Subscribe for free access to my monthly newsletter:

Today is September 6, 2020 as I pen this update. What a year it has been! I hope you and your loved ones are safe and well.

Many of you have been following my journey for more than 10 years! I began sharing my experience to pay it forward, as I had been inspired by other people’s stories. Sometimes, you ask for an update about how my sister, mother and I are doing today.  Well, here you go!

In 2016, I published a post and video detailing my story about the effects of my mother’s substance use disorder on our family. Thank you to the many people who read or watched and then shared their stories or encouraging words for others.  

When I shared my story in that format, I was many years into my healing journey, but my father had suddenly passed away just a year or so before and life was difficult, as my mother, sister and I all adjusted to life without him. Now, four years has passed since that post, so here is the update:

I am living proof that your life can change in ways you may not be able to imagine today.

The key is recognizing that your only job in life is to take good care of you – and living by that fact.

This seems quite easy to unless you grew up in dysfunction!

Life update – me

In 2017, the time was right for me to prioritize taking good care of me. I had a new job that I really liked and created time for more of everything I love to do – reading and writing. I also bought my first house – one with a backyard with a giant tree and overlooking a creek. A perfect location for my favorite pastime – writing books under a tree. 😊

At 34 years old, I had my own life – truly my own instead of the one, big, messy life I’d previously shared my family. The second edition of Easter Ann Peters’ Operation Cool, my middle-grade novel, was published, and in my new house, I began making new memories.

Of course, I still have many adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA) issues including anxiety, interpersonal trust, workaholism, the list goes on. However, I have learned many skills and ways to manage those lifelong challenges.

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I’ve learned how to eat. Latest video linked in profile. I never knew I didn’t know how to eat and how much that lack of know-how was affecting my energy, anxiety and well-being! I also never imagined I’d be the kind of person who prepares meals in advance and wears an apron with roosters on it, but here I am.

A post shared by JODY LAMB (@jodymlamb) on Mar 4, 2019 at 4:35am PST

Ladies and gentlemen, at one point in my adult life, I could not imagine being from free from the constant worry about my mother’s drinking and all the ways it affected us. I was obsessed with trying to fix my mother and convince her to accept help for her addiction so that we could all start living our lives. That was terribly overwhelming.

I learned quickly how critical it is that I continue learning through books, podcasts, videos and blogs and by surrounding myself with people who inspire me. It’s a lifelong journey with tiny changes that lead to big changes over time. Over the last several years, I’ve learned to set boundaries in my family, at work and all aspects of my life.

Today, I have a quiet, peaceful life with my awesome cat, Larry.

I work in health care communication; this year, with the COVID-19 pandemic, I’ve worked many hours every day. It’s been personally and professionally meaningful for me, though and I’m grateful for the opportunity to contribute at an important time.

I spend my free time reading, watching sitcoms, comedy films and standup comedy shows. Laughter is good for the soul. Of course, I’m still wild about self-improvement books and content; through the pandemic, I’ve also spent time with my friends who also love to laugh and share similar interests.

Life update – My sister, Brooke

Brooke is my guardian angel in little-sister disguise. She’s fun, kind and wise beyond her years. Brooke works n health care and is finishing her degree. We talk every day and have a lot of fun together. She’s a health guru and is always quick to share her latest advice on health living. Fortunately, it appears, she has fewer ACoA traits than I do, which I am grateful for.

Life update – My mom

Over the last few years, my relationship with my mother has evolved, and it is healthy. That’s right. We. Have. A. Healthy. Relationship. Well, healthier than anyone could have ever predicted. She continues to astound me. She still drinks (every night, I think), but I really don’t think about that because my boundaries are still firmly in place (e.g. she doesn’t call when she’s been drinking because she knows I will not answer) and I am focused on my own life. My mother works fulltime and is beloved by her coworkers. She found new purpose in her life.

The thing is my mother hasn’t really changed. I have changed – and that has made all the difference. My relationship with her improved dramatically the day I went to the library and got educated about addiction. I realized that while she chose to decline help, she had a disorder and her brain was forever affected by the alcohol she consumed. Her addiction had nothing to do with me, and there was nothing I could do to control it. All I can do is love her and keep taking good care of myself.

I will always have great sadness in my heart that I could not convince her to accept help in fighting her addiction, and I will always worry about her health and safety, but I have to take good care of myself and that’s what I am focused on doing. For this, I think my mother is also grateful.

If you are going through a difficult time right now, please take my story and that of millions of others as proof that you will you get through this – and there will a future time in which you reflect on your life today and hardly recognize it.

If you’re just beginning your journey of healing and creating the life you want, I wish you the best.

Keep taking good care of you.

Here is the video version of this post. Have you subscribed to my channel to never miss a video?

New here? Hello! I’m Jody Lamb, a personal growth author and blogger. If it helps you create the life you want, I’m writing about it. I’m an adult child of an alcoholic; I’m healing and enjoying the life I want! Get my book for free here. Subscribe for free access to my monthly newsletter: