Dating someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent and confused by things they do or don’t do? Are your spouse’s past experiences as a kid in a dysfunctional home affecting your marriage and family today? Are you ready to better understand this person you love and how their experiences affect life today? I get it because I’m an adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA) and that has affected all my romantic relationships.

What if I said you can improve your relationship with an adult child of an alcoholic or someone who grew up in a dysfunctional home if you know a few key things? I am no relationship expert, but I’ve developed wisdom over the last 20 years of dating and studying other people’s courtships and marriages. My ACoA-ness affects my relationships less than it did before. Sorry, past flames of younger me!

Five things to know about the adult child of an alcoholic you love

1.      You’ll never truly understand the person you love if they have an alcoholic parent…and that’s okay.

Unless you’ve loved someone who’s addicted, it’s nearly impossible to imagine what it’s like. It brings life experiences that cannot be accurately recounted and understood unless you lived it yourself. Perhaps your partner shares fragments of stories, but just can’t find the right words to explain it fully. Maybe they would like nothing more to share with you, but it’s complicated to explain. Maybe your spouse keeps all those stories bottled up and their past is a massive mystery to you.

There is nothing easy about speaking or writing about what happened when we were growing up with an alcoholic parent. I’m a writer by trade and I struggle to string together the right set of words to paint the picture. It’s just so complex and painful.

So, how can you help the adult child of an alcoholic you love? Get educated.

The fact that you are reading this article shows how much you care about them. Education about the effects of addiction on the people will help you understand why your partner is the way they are. Check out this list of the best adult children of alcoholics books. Read them – and you may better understand the adult child of alcoholic better than they understand themselves if they haven’t started their the ACoA healing journey yet.

Best books for adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs)

Fact: You won’t be able to solve all the problems. Accept that.

The thing about being in a committed relationship is that you want to solve problems for the person you love. Hold your eagerness to advise. It’s not fun when a non-ACoA dishes out unsolicited advice in heaps. My past boyfriends grew up in healthier family systems so they couldn’t relate to mine. I struggled to explain why having a mother with a substance use disorder shaped who I am and how the effects of it will always be with me. While I have come so far in my healing journey, I am forever the daughter of an alcoholic and there will always be pain tied to that fact. Acknowledging – not ignoring – my past and my feelings today will always be important to my ability to continue healing and creating the life I want.

I once told a boyfriend about how I struggle with a particular boundary with my mother and how I wonder what life would have been like if Mom had recovered from addiction. He replied with a speech fit for a high school sports team after a tough loss. Just move forward and forget the past, he advised with sports analogies.

Related:

How to set healthy boundaries with your parents

He hoped to help, but all that conversation did was make me feel weak, misunderstood, and frustrated. I shut down, unlikely to ever share similar thoughts with him again

If you’re in a relationship with an adult child of an alcoholic, the best thing you can do is to keep showing them what a healthy relationship looks like by simply listening. If they open up about their past experiences growing up in a dysfunctional family, be understanding. Never minimize or downplay their feelings. What happened to them growing up in a house with addiction was so powerful, it programmed their brain to make them think and feel in certain ways. That’s all foreign to you unless you’re also an adult child of an alcoholic. Never act like you know how it feels. Consider replying like this:  

I am so sorry that happened to you. I can’t imagine how that must have felt, and I can’t begin to relate, but I am here for you whenever you want to share more about those memories and how you feel today.

2.      Your partner’s lack of satisfaction has nothing to do with you.

ACoAs struggle with satisfaction in every way, especially with themselves. If they get promoted at work, they’ll say it took too long. If they are a good parent, they’ll say how they could do better. If you tell them they are hot stuff, they’ll point out their flaws.

People who grew up with an alcoholic mother or father never had a predictable pattern of response from their parent. One moment, they were showered with affection and the next moment, they were ignored or dismissed. So, they grow up lacking confidence they’re good enough, and spend their grownup days seeking an elusive sense of satisfaction with themselves.

For those who love ACoAs, this lack of satisfaction may feel personal at times, and you may wonder why you can’t make them feel whole with the life you’ve built together. Know they love you, and accept their never-ending quest for satisfaction has nothing to do with you. As children, they constantly sought unconditional love that never came, and therefore, they cannot fully love themselves and allow themselves to feel good enough.

You can help someone combat perfectionism by frequently reassuring them they are fulfilling expectations for all their roles, and they are more than enough for you. Remember that their personal struggle with satisfaction is part of the ACoA Syndrome and don’t let it affect your confidence in the relationship or in yourself.

3.      ACoAs are still learning what’s normal.

Often scratch your head over something your spouse does or doesn’t? Remember, ACoAs grew up in unhealthy family systems and environments; what is normal to you is new and abnormal to us. As grownups, we are exposed to healthy ways of thinking and acting, and it takes time to adopt them and to understand what’s normal.

Let’s say you’re a foodie who loves to cook, but you’re dating someone who views cooking as a chore and would much rather grab take out than spend time cooking at home. This may seem very strange to someone who has wonderful memories of cooking with their families growing up. But if you were a child of an alcoholic, the kitchen may have been the warzone to avoid. Cooking may not have occurred, or if it did, the experiences could have been marred by abuse occurring during that busy time. Before jumping to conclusions about why your beau doesn’t want to do something, consider how their views on everything today are influenced by their past experiences, which are very different from yours.

When I was searching for my first house, my realtor was stunned when I said the kitchen had little meaning to me. She said, “It’s the heart of the home where families gather!” She explained most people focused most on the kitchen when buying a home. It was the least important thing for me. In that moment, I realized why I didn’t enjoy cooking, and why I was often quick to leave the kitchen. I have zero good memories of the kitchen when I was growing up because it was epicenter of my mother’s addiction storm. Naturally, as an adult, I was conditioned to avoid that room – and everything in it. Fortunately, now, I’m making good memories in the kitchen and reprogramming my brain.

4.      Give them recurring affirmations. We need it, even when we say we don’t.

ACoAs are tough. We rarely express what we need, and we are used to pretending everything is okay. We are highly unlikely to tell our significant others we are afraid they’ll cut and run, and we’re always a little on edge because we learned to bottle our emotions. Growing up, we were constantly let down with unreliable affection from our parent. When we needed our alcoholic mom or dad to be there for us, they often bailed so it’s natural we grow up and fear our partners will let us down, too.

Tell your partner you love them often, and all the ways they’re succeeding and show it through actions, too, because even when we say we don’t need the affirmations, we do. Deep down, we’re afraid we’ll lose your love, and all the good things in our lives…because that’s what happened to us before.

5.      Take good care of yourself. We are more likely to work on healing and self-care if you do, too.

Every human has issues and adult children of alcoholics are not the only ones who have healing to do. It’s the nature of being alive. If you get educated about your challenges, go to therapy, practice self-care and work on healing from your own issues, you’ll inspire the people around you including the adult child of an alcoholic you love. Talk about your issues and your healing process. Be vulnerable. Some ACoAs never learned proper self-care skills. Some are avoiding healing from the effects of their parent’s addiction. The healthier the people are around us, the more comfortable ACoAs are in their own healing journey.

There ya have it! My go-to ways to improve your relationship with your significant other who’s an adult child of an alcoholic. You know have the tools to get educated and help them overcome challenges related to matters of the heart! Start your education journey about adult children of alcoholics with more JodyLamb.com articles.

Are you among the millions of adult children of alcoholics in the world who has realized that your past experiences are affecting your life today? Developing new habits is key to your recovery and creating the life you want. Not sure how to get started? About 12 years ago, I was in that exact spot. Fortunately, there are many resources. Plus, millions of adult children of alcoholics (ACoA) have healed and shared their stories to help others to do the same. By learning and listening, I’ve been successful in my recovery and creating the life that I want. If you’re getting started with yours, you should know about the three key habits of healed adult children of alcoholics. The faster you pick up and stay committed to these habits, the faster success you’ll have in your healing journey.

Here are the three habits of healed adult children of alcoholics:

Habit #1: Begin with belief that you’ll heal.

Have you ever thought, “I have so many issues because of everything that happened when I was a kid. I’m destined to live with this baggage because I was dealt these bad cards in life.” This is a self-sabotaging mindset.

Healed ACoAs began their healing journey will firm belief that they could heal from the effects of their parent’s substance use disorder and teach themselves new ways of thinking and living to create the lives they want. Have this positive, outcome-based mindset as you begin working on healing. Pick up all the books and content you can consume; these valuable educational resources will help you accomplish your goals. Whatever you believe becomes reality. You WILL heal if you believe you will – just like millions of other ACoAs have, too.

Habit #2: Prioritize yourself.

If you’re like me and most adult children of alcoholics, you likely never developed this key habit, due to the environment. It took me nearly 30 years to discover that I only had one job in life: to take good care of myself. I did not know how to do it because I’d spent my whole life prioritizing everyone else and trying to solve problems that were not mine to solve. The powerful, terrible codependency gripped me. 

Healed ACoAs know that taking good care of themselves begins with prioritizing themselves and they truly living by this fact. It’s their guide for decision making – from minor, everyday decisions to the major stuff. Before they agree to do anything, they ask themselves, “Is this good for me? Is this someone else’s responsibility?” This helps ACoAs become master boundary setters.

Habit #3: Never stop learning.

You may be eager for the feeling that you’re fully healed but the reality is that healing from the powerful effects of a dysfunctional environment and the ACoA Syndrome is a life-long effort. Over time, you will make so much progress that you will hardly recognize your former ways of thinking and living. The more you heal and grow, the more you realize how much there is to learn and that there is always opportunity to grow in new ways.

Healed adult children of alcoholics know how important it is to keep learning and growing, even when they’ve reached important milestones in their journey. They keep reading, going to therapy, attending Al-Anon meetings, going to therapy and stay committed to other personal growth activities.  If you stop giving time to education, you can easily slip back into your old, destructive ways of thinking, behaving, and living. Stay committed to growth.

There you go. Now you know the three habits of healed adult children of alcoholics. Remember that there are millions of ACoAs who experienced extremely tough times and were deeply affected by their parent’s addiction. They decided to break the cycle and create the life they want. They put in the effort and made it happen. You will, too.

Did you grow up with an alcoholic mom or dad? Are you realizing your experiences as a kid are still affecting you today? Can you never shake that nagging feeling that you’re stuck and you need to heal from those experiences so you can move forward in your life? I see you, and I get it because I was there, too.

What if I told you that there are many lies you were taught as a kid that may still be with you today? And that breaking free, healing and creating the life you want begins with identifying those things you learned as a kid that are simply untrue?

Over my 12-year adult child of an alcoholic healing journey, I’ve discovered powerful lies that were instilled in me as a youngster that I held in my heart as truths when I grew up. These lies influenced how I lived and prevented me from healing. When I realized they were lies, I was then free to take the next steps in my journey to create the life I want. So, are you ready to discover the three lies children of alcoholics believe? Let’s dive in.

First, it’s important to note that believing these lies is completely normal. Children of mothers and fathers who are alcoholics grow up thinking and behaving in certain ways because children absorb everything in their environments. In other words, we are completely normal. Check out my list of the best books for children of alcoholics (ACoAs); these books explain the Adult Child of an Alcoholic Syndrome and why we ACoAs grow up believing many lies and then live our adult lives the way we do:

Lie #1: It’s your job to take care of other people.

Are you always the one everyone in your family and friend circle and at work run to for help? Do you find yourself always taking on other people’s problems, as if they are your own? Don’t you hate feeling like everything’s always on you to fix?

I get it because I was felt like that until about 10 years ago. I felt responsible for my parents, especially my mother, and all the problems that were tied to her substance use disorder. From age seven or so, I felt it was my duty as a daughter to clean up all the figurative and literal messes in my family’s life. I took on the role of parent for my parents because they were both ill from the effects of my mother’s addiction. I organized and cleaned the house. I reminded about bills, and apologized to everyone who witnessed or was affected by the destruction of my mother’s “drinking problem.” As I grew older, that sense of responsibility carried over into pretty much all my relationships. I couldn’t imagine being any other way. I had become a martyr, and it felt familiar and comfortable. I was needed and loved. But it was slowly killing me because I was so busy with other people’s problems and needs, there was no time or energy left over for me.

The lie that you are responsible for other people manifests itself into powerful codependency, my friends. Codependency gives you a strong sense of purpose. Even when you complain about being the responsible one in all your relationships, you continue doing things that are not your responsibility simply because you long for that sense of wholeness. Taking care of everyone and everything gives you an unhealthy warm and fuzzy feeling inside for a bit. But, in the end, you’re likely harming yourself and the people you’re supporting by continuing to believe all of that is your job.

The truth is that your only job in life is to take good care of yourself. That’s it. Of course, if you have children, you are responsible for them when they are young. 😊 But you are no good to anyone if you are failing to care for yourself. You are NOT responsible for your siblings, your parents, your spouse/partner, etc. You are responsible for just YOU.

This truth is difficult for children of alcoholics and those who grew up in other types of dysfunctional environments such as with narcissistic parents or those with mental health problems. Codependency is deeply embedded in us.  

When you truly live by the truth that your job is to take good care of yourself, decision making is much easier. You must protect your time and energy and ask yourself hard questions about what you give your precious time and energy to. Before you agree to do or not do something, ask yourself, is this good for me? Of course, sometimes, it’s important to give to others. I’m talking about the above and beyond responsibilities stuff. We ACoAs are ridiculously great at taking on other people’s problems and responsibilities. So, stop that. Set boundaries and stick to them. It is not easy to say no to people who ask you for help, but it gets easier the more you do it.  

Lie #2: It’s our fault when people we love get addicted.  

Did you grow up thinking that you caused your parent to drink? They may have even told you that lie directly. Perhaps as an adult, you find yourself surrounded by other people who suffer from addiction and you wonder if it’s something you do or don’t do that leads people to become addicted.

Adult children of alcoholics tend to be magnets for people with substance use disorders. We are more likely to marry alcoholics, and we are known to blame ourselves for our loved ones’ problems and behavior.

The truth is you cannot cause, control or stop another’s person’s drinking or drug use. Addiction has nothing to do with you. It’s an extremely powerful, often fatal disease. Addiction alters a person’s brain, and it seems to afflict the most wonderful of people. It is not fair – and it’s extraordinarily sad.

I spent all my childhood and young adult years believing that I wasn’t good enough of a daughter to convince Mom to stop drinking and get help. I knew my mother loved me, but her unpredictable behavior was extremely confusing. I felt it was my personal responsibility to be a good daughter and do everything I could to “fix” her so that she and our family could finally live happily ever after. Unfortunately, I had no education about addiction and what was happening to our family. I repeatedly failed at that lifelong endeavor to fix her, and that made me feel like a failure as a daughter and a person. My self-worth plummeted, and it felt like all my fault that my mom, dad, sister and I continued to suffer through the effects of Mom’s addiction, especially as it worsened in my teen years. Fortunately, finally, I got educated about addiction, learned that I couldn’t control or cure my mother and the began my healing journey to create the life I want.

Lie #3: You’re destined to repeat your parent’s life because the cycle of addiction continues in families.   

Are you always worried that you’ll end up like your parents? Do you fear you’ll get addicted or that you’ll always be knee deep in similar problems with money, relationships, careers, etc. Do you feel like you’re failing to live up to your potential and that the life you want is impossible? Maybe you feel you have too many issues and emotional baggage that you can’t create the life you want.

Well, I get that because that’s exactly how I felt. I regularly cried about it during my 20s. I lost all hope for my future. No one had any idea I was so depressed because adult children of alcoholics are great at pretending everything is A-okay. I’m going to type this next point in all caps because if we were together in person, I’d be loud about it.

YOUR DESTINY IS IN YOUR ADULT HANDS. REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AS A KID, YOU CAN AND WILL CREATE YOUR OWN, GREAT LIFE. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO HEAL FROM YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES AND STOP THE CYCLE.  

Do not be one of those people who takes the crippling mindset that you were dealt a bad set of cards in life and that is that. NOPE. I stopped believing this lie when I met so many children of alcoholics who had it much worse than I did as a kid and then grew up and created amazing lives. The odds were high that they’d have the same lives as their parents, but they refused to let that happen. No matter what point you’re at in life, if you put in the time and effort to heal and grow, you can create the life you want.

And it begins with identifying the lies. Stop and think about the beliefs that you may be holding onto as truths that are actually lies. Question everything about your life, how you think and how you live. Remember that life can change in ways you cannot imagine today.

There you have it – the top three lies children of alcoholics still believe as adults.

Wishing you courage in your journey.

It’s Children of Addiction Awareness Week!  

1 in 4 children in the U.S. are touched by the adverse effects of their parent’s alcohol or drug abuse.

I’m one of billions of adult children of alcoholics. We all suffered alone with our family’s secret when we were growing up.

Today, there is so much more awareness and resources to help children and adults who are affected by addiction. So, during this special week, I’m celebrating the extraordinary ways the world has changed for the better to help children growing up with addiction in their home and to help people like me heal and create the lives they want.

Are you interested in supporting the cause? Great. Here are some resources:

How you can support Children of Addiction Awareness Week  

• Donate to the National Association for Children of Addiction: NACOA.org (US) and NACOA.org.uk (UK)
• Promote Children of Addiction Awareness Week through your social media accounts

If you know a kid who is suffering from the effects of their parent’s addiction:

• Helping A Child Whose Parent Is Struggling With Addiction
• Best books for children about addiction
• ChildHelp USA Child Abuse Hotline: 1-800-422-4453
• National Association for Children of Addiction

If you are an adult who grew up with addiction in your home:

• Best books for adult children of alcoholics
• Al-Anon Family Groups (support groups)
• Adult Children of Alcoholics®/ Dysfunctional Families (support groups) 
• JodyLamb.com

If you are suffering from addiction yourself:

• Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357)
• Alcoholics Anonymous
• Narcotics Anonymous
• National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism 
• National Council on Alcohol and Drug Dependence, Inc.

More resources are on JodyLamb.com/ResourcesHelp.

Thank you for caring!  

To all those who share variations of our story: You are not alone and you deserve a great life.

Has anyone ever told you that you’re your own worst enemy? Or that you do things that confuse everyone all the time? I’ve heard that a time or two. And do you often feel like everyone’s making their dreams come true and getting what they want – and you’re not? I see you, and I get it. I was like that for years. What if I told you that the reason you’re not getting ahead is because you’re unknowingly self-sabotaging your life? After years of feeling like I’d never get ahead or accomplish any of my goals, I made a few key discoveries and today, I’m sharing them with you. You could be self-sabotaging as an adult child of an alcoholic, and there are tried-and-true tactics to stop! Are you ready to stop killing your chances to make changes and finally have the life you want? Let’s do this.

You are likely creating roadblocks that prevent you from accomplishing goals – and you don’t even realize it.  

Don’t you hate when commitments and responsibilities pop up out of nowhere in your life and erase your plans to do something good for you? On the surface, these unexpected things may seem out of your control. But think about it more closely. It’s likely you’ve unintentionally put those roadblocks in place on your own.  

A while back, I decided I would exercise six days per week, so I created a training schedule so that I could accomplish my goals. The schedule meant that I would have to leave the office by 5:30 every day so that I could get to a class at a local gym. But things got busy at work, and I took on a few projects that were very consuming and I had to work late…every day. Did I go to any of the fitness classes? Nope, and I blamed work. But the truth is I’d taken on those projects because I was not setting boundaries and I was not used to giving timing to taking good care of me. Also, I am terrified of disappointing people. Working on that! I created my own roadblock and killed any chance of accomplishing my goal. I failed to prioritize taking care of me.

So, how do you stop self-sabotaging in your life?

Healing from Adult Child of an Alcoholic (ACoA) Syndrome is complex, and every person is different. If you’re getting started with your healing journey, check out my Beginner’s Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Alcoholics. I’m sharing a just few tactics that helped me stop sabotaging progress in my life because of my ACoA-ness and finally move forward!

Know that your only job in life is take good care of yourself.

Many adult children of alcoholics are skilled at overcommitting and taking on too many responsibilities. We do this because we grew up too fast and accepted adult responsibilities to make up for our parents’ behavior. We feel we are responsible for everything and everyone.

One of the best ways to stop self-sabotaging through over committing yourself is to approach every decision considering if something is the right thing for YOU, not other people. When you have this in mind, you will make better decisions and prioritize self-care and the time needed to take good care of yourself. This is way easier written than done, but as you get into a habit of saying no to doing extra things, it gets easier. Set boundaries and stick to them.

Believe that you deserve good things and a great life.

Do you get uncomfortable when people compliment you or give kudos? Me, too. It’s because adult children of alcoholics grow up and become mucho famous for rejecting compliments and dismissing recognition. We are never satisfied with ourselves or our accomplishments – yet we’re always seeking validation and acceptance from others. This can be very confusing for the people who work with us or love us.

Many adult children of alcoholics (or narcissists or some other type of dysfunction) struggle with deeply rooted feelings that we don’t deserve a good life. This is a completely normal response to the environment we lived in as children.  One moment, we felt loved and accepted, and the next moment, we felt abandoned and unworthy of love.

So, how do you get yourself thinking differently? The best way to start is by setting and reading positive affirmations about yourself and the life you deserve. I know, I know. It feels corny and weird. I used to think that, too. But positive thoughts are extremely powerful, and they had a key role in helping me re-train myself to think about everything differently. Affirmations will help you stop blindly creating your own roadblocks.  

Write down your affirmations and repeat them aloud daily – or multiple times per day if needed! Your affirmation could be: “My job is to take good care of me. I am loved, and I bring good to the world. I am responsible for my time and setting boundaries that help me take good care of myself and live the life I want. In my life, I have time to <describe your self-care activities> and I protect that time.”

I have a voice memo of affirmations on my phone that I play every morning to make sure I have the right mindset to make decisions throughout the day.

Check out these affirmations.

You can’t control what you experienced as a young person but as an adult, you have the power to heal and create the life you want. You deserve the life you want.   

There you have it! I hope my go-to ways to stop self-sabotaging were helpful as you build the life you want! Let me know in the comments if you’ve discovered other ways you’ve been self-sabotaging as an adult child of an alcoholic or how you’ve learned to stop those behaviors.

Wondering how to get started on your adult child of an alcoholic healing journey? Check out the Beginner’s Guide to Healing for Adult Children of Alcoholics.  

Wishing you serenity!

Note that I am not a therapist or behavioral health professional. I do not give advice. I’m sharing my personal stories as an adult child of an alcoholic in recovery in hopes that it is helpful for other people. Always consult with a behavioral health professional when you need help.