Jody Lamb: Empowering Adult Children of Alcoholics to Create Fulfilling Lives

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A tough part of the journey: My dad died

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“Suffering has been stronger than all other teaching, and has taught me to understand what your heart used to be. I have been bent and broken, but – I hope – into a better shape.” ― Charles Dickens, Great Expectations

Dad

My friends,

Anyone who has ever known me knows well of my father, for I was so grateful for being blessed with such an extraordinary man for a father and best friend.

Few words are worthy enough to accurately describe the impact he had on myself, my sister, my mother and thousands of other human beings – and furry creatures.

On this journey, I’ve met challenges but this one of late is the greatest of all.

A heart attack took my father, my best friend, suddenly from our lives in May.

Over the coming months, I must spend more time caring for myself and my family in order to adjust to this new normal.

I will soon return to volunteering, blogging and book writing with strengthened enthusiasm, courage and determination, for as my father wrote in 2012…

“Unquestionably, we should all seek to leave the world in balance to the best of our abilities,

Somehow

Someway

Prior to jumping on the Bonnie Boat and sailing away.”

 

I hope you are well.

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8 ways to deal with anxiety

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Without warning or a trigger, I felt weight – heavy and suffocating – crashing over me.

Is it possible to feel energy literally leaving your body?

A racing heart, a throbbing forehead, a knotted stomach with dancing worry butterflies.

It had a hold of me – that gripping, tightening sensation of fear and dread about…

  • the state of some struggling family members
  • growing disappointment in myself and my inability to accomplish my self-imposed life to-do list
  • uncertainty about the immediate and long-term future
  • everything I had to do and be for myself, for my family, for others

I am not okay.

Tears.

Anxiety.

Anxiety – the controlling, familiar, sickening hurricane created by worry, fear and stress and my failure to take good care of myself.

I’ve known anxiety since I was a young girl growing up with a chaotic life. Its power over me strengthened as a teenager and then hit its peak when I was a young grownup trying to balance far too many responsibilities.

In fact, when I was 26, these anxiety attacks happened every few weeks. At my office. Driving in my car. Or the second my head met my pillow at night.

I was absolutely terrified that I was losing hope, losing myself.

At that point, in desperation, I finally decided I had to learn how to manage anxiety. This what I learned:

Eight ways to deal with anxiety:

1. Tame the moment.

If you find yourself in a panic, in an anxiety attack: Take deep breaths, relax your muscles, walk, listen to music, pet your dog, call that one friend who always has funny stories to share. Have a treat. For me, it’s a cup of fancy tea or a new music. If you can go outside (if safe), do it. I swear there’s no better remedy than that. Nature is magical.

2. Pin point what’s causing the anxiety and write it down.

Just recently, I’ve been writing down everything I’m worried about – from the minor to the major. I’ve found that there are changes I can make to eliminate some of the stuff on the list. There’s something very powerful about seeing your worries on paper or on screen. It reminds me that I have zero ability to control the things that worry me most. Take action on what you can control, let go of what you cannot.

3. Get enough sleep.

When our bodies don’t get enough sleep, just about every part of our bodies suffer. I feel like a phony baloney right now. I do not get enough sleep but I’ve been making adjustments in my lifestyle to accommodate it. I don’t consume anything with caffeine after lunchtime. I don’t read the news in the evening. I do not watch TV, unless it’s one of my favorite comedies, because laughing is just about the best thing in the world for me. I turn my alarm clock to face the wall so I don’t watch time pass with frustration as I struggle to fall asleep.

4. Find humor.

Sometimes I pretend my life is a reality-TV show. I’m pretty sure it’d be a hit among those who love tales of the average, non-famous and non-glamorous. Family drama/problems. Awkwardness. Nine hours a day in an office. Strangers I meet while standing in line at the grocery store. Periods of extreme bad luck.

I’ve learned to find a lot of humor in my life, in those around me, in myself. Sometimes I find moments to be extraordinarily hilarious.

Taking a bird’s eye view in the most stressful of moments also helps me to decide how I should respond: Is this worth getting upset over? Usually, it’s not. If it is, then I more clearly see changes I need to make ASAP.

5. Exercise.

It’s a medical fact that when you exercise, your brain releases feel-good hormones.

I don’t do yoga or go to a gym but I should. I run. Sometimes, I walk. Think Prancercise lady, sort of.  Gosh, I adore that lady.  She just does her thing.

Find what works for you. If you don’t have time, give up something to create the time.

Ever hear of the Canadian Olympian Leah Pells? Running is how she coped with the chaotic effects of her mother’s chronic alcoholism.

6. Don’t claim other people’s problems as your own.

Sometimes the hardest thing to do is to detach from other people’s problems. You may be the go-to person when something’s gone wrong. The one who always responds to texts and calls. The listener, the advice giver, the drop-everything-and-come-to-the-rescue person.

I still absolutely, 100-percent have to work on detaching from my family members’ problems on a daily basis. It’s my own fault that they all come running to me like I’m a human crutch. People lean on me way too much because I let them do so for so long. Unhealthy for everyone involved. This is called co-dependency, an extremely common trait for those who grew up with a chaotic life at home. I still feel guilty when I have to say “No, I can’t help you with that right now.” I’m getting better at this, as I grow.

7. Do what makes you happy, even if you only have 15 minutes a day.

When I was a girl, I loved to write stories and read books. But in high school, I stopped. I have no time for hobbies like that, I told myself. At 26, I was depressed and desperate to feel the joy I’d felt as a girl. Only at that point did I make the decision to read and write again. Some days, I only had 15 minutes to give to it. I wouldn’t go to sleep until I’d given 15 minutes to writing or reading. Those 15 minutes had a hugely positive impact on my life outlook. In fact, it was a major turning point in my life and I’m forever grateful.

8. Spend time with people who inspire you.

Even if you don’t know many inspiring people you can call up and go to lunch with, find them. “Spending time with” inspiring people can come in the form of reading what they have to say through books, blogs, tweets and posts. God bless the Internet for providing a way to find far more inspiring people than you may have met in person.

Anxiety is still around like a jerky former boyfriend who waits for an opp to show up on my doorstep at a vulnerable moment, knowing exactly what to say to make me instantly feel like crap about myself and the world.

But I’m getting better at coping with anxiety. Definitely getting better.

Take good care.

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Helping children of alcoholics

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It’s Children of Alcoholics Week, one of my favorite weeks of the year!

This week, thousands of people and organizations around the world are working hard to raise awareness about how common it is for children to be living with alcoholics. In fact, it’s estimated that more than 7,500,000 children in the U.S. live in a home with a parent in need of treatment for alcohol dependency (Source: Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration, part of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services). According to SAMHSA, these children are at greater risk than their peers of suffering from problems such as depression and anxiety, physical health challenges and learning problems, are three times more likely to be abused, are four times more likely to be neglected and face four times the risk of developing substance abuse issues.

Let’s break the cycle.

Here’s how you can help:

Donate to the non-profit organizations that are effectively supporting, educating and saving lives such as:

Educate yourself about alcoholism and share informative sites with friends and family.

If you are a child of an alcoholic or have/had alcoholic loved ones, please consider the following:

  • Talking about it openly among your circles. How have you learned to cope? What do you wish you’d known before?
  • Listening, really listening when people share their stories.
  • Writing about how you’ve coped on your own blog or offering to write guest posts on established blogs.
  • Posting links to helpful articles on the subject on your social media accounts.
  • Attending Al-Anon meetings. There are people who need to hear your story.
  • Contacting your nearest substance abuse treatment center and inquire about volunteer or speaking opportunities.
  • Writing articles for your local newspaper and alert your local events calendar editor when there are substance abuse-addiction-related seminars in your community.
  • If you know respected authors, musicians and athletes who can reach larger numbers of people, asking them about championing the cause.

This is near and dear to my heart – and my purpose in life.

I have a loving family in which alcoholism is a major problem. I grew up believing this was unique to my family.  I’m still healing and learning from my experiences. I wrote a middle-grade novel with parental alcoholism in a leading role. It was rejected about 30 times before I found a publisher who believed in the story.

Since I began writing about my loved ones’ alcoholism and how I’ve learned to heal (and in the process, help the alcoholics in my life), I’ve had the great pleasure of hearing from kids, teens, young adults and grownups from all over the world.  They share variations of the same story, of my story.

They are the most inspiring people I’ve ever met.

I am forever stunned by how widespread alcoholism is in families but hopeful that with education efforts and more people speaking out and sharing their stories, we’re beginning to break the cycles of addiction in families.

 

Take good care of yourself today and every day.

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Detaching, even though it feels wrong

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As a child, I remember setting up Lego toys in a careful pattern like dominoes, perfectly positioned with just enough space between each one, so that I could watch as they slowly toppled over, one by one.

Have you ever seen dominoes fall that way?

I think of the domino effect when I have trouble coping with family problems in a healthy way….such as recently…

Every few years, my family becomes basically one giant dominoes set up. One big problem teeters for a while and then topples over and knocks down the next problem, which causes more problems and the toppling goes on and on. The result is one fat pile of problems. Yes, it’s a bit of a crisis.

Over the last year, one of my very favorite people in the world has experienced some pretty serious health problems. Like many people in my life, this person has refused help. It has worsened considerably over the last few months and just last week, an upsetting conversation with this person was a hard reality check for me.

I’m failing. I’m failing to fix this one.

This is a type of situation for me, different from the problems caused by the behavior of addicts in the family. It took until that moment on the phone to recognize that I’d jumped right back into the arms of my friend. His name is Unhealthy Attachment to Family Problems! Yep. I get stressed. It is no bueno.

Just as I did with the addicts in my life, I had taken on this person’s problem and convinced myself that 1.) it was my responsibility to fix this person  and 2.) I could help this person who doesn’t want help. This ran through my head, as it has a million of times before: If this person would just listen….

While this person doesn’t drink or do drugs, they’ve put up a thick, glass wall, in the same way that the addicts do, blocking out their family and friends, who are eager to help.

I did a whole lot of talking and talking and writing long notes – my very best try to convince this person to make better decisions to get their good health back.

All the while, I dropped to my knees to pray countless times, especially as the stress caused the addicts in my family to drink more heavily.

Toppling dominoes.

And the problem went on, worsening.

After that upsetting phone call with this person last week, my sister scrunched up her face like the world’s most annoyed teenager and commanded in a frustrated tone: “Detach, Jody, detach!”

She’s right.

I let these problems kick me over and over to the point that it disables me from taking good care of myself.

But I am trying.

The hardest part of healing from my old way of coping with these problems has always been detaching. I have real trouble stepping away from the problems of people I love.

I feel guilty for not being able to fix it – as crazy as it is. I have unrealistic expectations for myself and I forget that I can’t control people’s behavior or decisions. Also, I feel it’s my duty to help loved ones because they’re supposed to be cared for/helped when they need it. That’s what families do.

I forget that you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.

Isn’t it amazing how fast you can fall back into old ways of thinking/living life?

Fortunately, I usually do, finally, remember that in many situations with family members and friends, I’m going to have to blow a kiss and say, “I’ll be here when you decide you want help.”

I’m going to hold onto hope that one day, these people will blow me a kiss back and say, “I’m ready now. Help me get help.”

 

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At some point, you’ll realize people in your family are nuts

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Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.

The insanity in my family really shows its face when the alcoholics in my family are on drinking binges or when their addictive behavior has caused major financial or other issues. Basically, when the addicts’ lives unravel to a point again in which my family members can’t quickly mend everything, my normally wise family members prove Einstein’s theory perfectly.

My family members whip out their cell phones and have the same conversation they had a few weeks ago, a few months ago, a few years ago, a few decades ago.

They sigh and say, “I cannot understand why he’s doing this. He was doing so well. This cannot go on. What are we going to do?”

They’re nearly word for word the same sentences shared hundreds of times.

But no one actually does anything to change anything.

They don’t go to Al-Anon meetings. They don’t get help for themselves. They enable the alcoholics by picking up the pieces of things their addiction has crushed. They don’t detach. They just do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.

Insane.

After participating in my family’s repeated conversations for years, finally, I realized that they were leaving me panicked and exhausted. Most importantly, nothing good was coming from them and therefore, it was not good for me at all.

There had to be a different result.

So I helped myself.

I went to Al-Anon meetings and learned from other’s people stories. I discovered my own path for healing and coping my alcoholic and addicted loved ones. I read every book I could find about alcoholism, addiction and its impact on families.

I decided that the best thing to do for everyone was for me to detach as much as possible. Before, I never thought I had a choice, but then I made decisions about getting involved in these situations. I told everyone I’d happily assist with a plan to help but I couldn’t get on the phone and talk for hours without any benefit, without any change.

Nothing good was coming from simply talking and talking without a new approach to handling all of it.

It helped them. Some of my family members followed my lead.

The entire situation improved.

Throughout life, you’ll take a look at people around you and realize that they’re ill. In that case, you can either stay sick yourself or do what you have to do to take good care of yourself.

That’s why they say alcoholism is a family disease. It affects everyone.

So, my pal, ramble on down your own road. Find and live the life you want.

When you do that, everyone around you will be helped. They may even follow you and get help for themselves. Be the one who breaks the cycle.

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When your family ignores problems, it’s your cue to break the cycle

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What’s worse than having problems? Feeling like you don’t have anyone to talk with about them.

A brave, smart, hopeful young woman recently wrote this to me:

“I’m 19 and my mother has been an alcoholic since as far back as I can remember. She was getting better, by better I mean drinking once a month maybe, this was around 3 years ago. Since my grandmother (her mother), who was pretty much like my mother, died on October 18, 2011, my mother has been drinking a lot. I really don’t know what to do or say to her. No one believes me and pretty much takes it as a joke if I try to open up to them because my mother seems the perfect person when sober.”

It’s a variation of the story I’ve heard hundreds of times but it still sinks my heart. It’s all too familiar to me. The good news is that this young woman recognizes that she needs help for herself and she will get it because she’s going after it.

When I was a fifth grader, my teacher said, “Jody, you’re so lucky to have such a perfect family.”

I smiled, nodded and pushed down the truth, further and further.

Perfect?

My family and I were really perfect at something: Hiding problems.

And my alcoholic love one could be called the perfect example of Jekyll and Hyde.

All looked peachy to my teachers and classmates.

People in my family didn’t really talk about the “drinking problems” of several of our loved ones.

I was confused constantly. Worried always.

When we did actually speak of the drunkenness and the fallout from the destructive behavior, it was in hushed tone.

My grandma would ask if we thought her neighbors saw my uncle stumbling drunk down the street at six o’clock in the morning or what they thought when they saw him passed out on her front lawn.

She was so humiliated by the behavior of the many addicts in our family.

I was ashamed, too.

When my cousin got married, I was one excited 13 year old. In a pretty bridesmaid dress, I was grownup fancy.

But my alcoholic loved one was drunk within the first 30 minutes of the wedding celebration. I remember every single terrible thing my alcoholic loved one said and did that night.  Sharp words were fired off at family members in every direction. My stomach knotted up so much, I could hardly breathe. I put on my pretend smile and prayed the bartender would stop serving drinks to my loved one. My final memory of the evening is crying in the backseat of my parents’ car – not because this person ruined the fun for me but because I feared what would happen with everyone in the family knowing exactly happened when my alcoholic loved one drank too much.

I had worked so hard to keep it a secret to those extended relatives.

In the days following the wedding, I waited for a big talk or a surprise visit from an aunt or uncle.

But no one ever said anything to me.

As far as I knew, they pretended that it never happened.

And so the secret went on for another decade and the effects of the alcoholism worsened.

Why didn’t anybody do anything?

Now, nearly two decades later, I get it.

1. For several family members who had the ability to do something, it was easier to pretend the problem didn’t exist. That’s denial.   

2. They were ashamed. They’d been raised to cover up for the addicts and to keep the rampant alcoholism in our family a secret.

They all needed help for themselves but they never went looking for it.

I wish I’d known about Alateen meetings when I was a kid. I know for certain it would have been extremely helpful for me to meet other young people with similar problems in their families. I would have realized that my family’s drinking problems were actually severe cases of alcoholism. I would have realized I was so far from alone. I would have taken much better care of myself.

I also wish I would have known to study alcoholism so that I’d understand that it wasn’t my fault, that I didn’t cause my loved one’s addiction and that I couldn’t control the addiction or ever “fix” my loved one.

But I didn’t know and so I suffered for years.

No matter the problem, I hope you have a trusted family member or close friend you can talk with about what’s going on.

I met my best friend on the second day of high school. It took me two years to gather the courage to tell her about the drinking problems in my family and how they affected me. It felt like a gazillion pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. She helped me by reminding me to detach from their problems and not worry so much.

If you don’t have a family member who’ll listen or help, talk to your school counselor who can guide you to resources.  If your school counselor is a jerk or you just don’t feel comfortable talking to her/him, contact your church and tell them you’re in need of someone to speak with about problems. If you don’t have a church you’re affiliated with, ask your friends about the churches they attend and contact one.

The best thing I ever did for myself was to go to an Al-Anon meeting and then many more after that. It completely changed my life for the better. Al-Anon Family Groups® is an international organization for family and friends of alcoholics. It’s a support group program for people affected by a relative or friend’s drinking.

Alateen (for teens and in some groups, tweens, too) and Al-Anon (for adults) groups meet in community centers, churches, schools or other suitable places. It’s a safe place to go every week to relax and be yourself among friends who have alcoholic loved ones, too. There you can let your guard down, share about what’s happening in your life or just listen to other people’s stories. It’s free.

You can find a meeting near you by visiting www.al-anon.alateen.org or calling 1-888-4AL-ANON (1-888-425-2666) Monday-Friday, 8 am to 6 pm ET.

I’ve heard of students, supported by seasoned Al-Anon members, even starting Alateen meetings at their schools. How awesome is that?

When others ignore problems, take it as your cue to step up and talk to people who can help you help yourself.

Years from now, you’ll never say, “Boy, I wish I wasn’t courageous. I wish I didn’t get help.”

With wrinkles and wisdom, you’ll say,”I took a step and that changed everything, even though I didn’t realize it at the time.”

As much as you may want to fix the problems of others, know that the best thing you can do for yourself and everyone around you, is to take good care of you.

Break the problem-ignoring cycle in your family. You have the power.

Take good care of yourself.

 

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