When it comes to your feelings about having a parent with alcoholism, things get complex. We adult kids of alcoholics quietly endure lifelong effects of our experiences when we were growing up. We have pain, confusion and often, a deep sense of loss. But what if I told you an easy but impactful way to heal lies in writing letters to your parents?
For me, writing letters to my mother has been hugely helpful in my healing journey. I’ve written hundreds of letters to my mother throughout my life; she has received many of them; others I decided to shred instead. But writing each and every one of them helped me heal. They really did.
Why write a letter?
Writing a letter is much more than putting words on paper. It’s about unearthing those bottled-up feelings and giving voice to your innermost thoughts. You’ve probably harbored a plethora of emotions – anger, sadness, love, disappointment – and a letter provides a safe space to express these without interruption or fear of judgement. For me, it feels way easier to get my feelings out in writing than through saying it all aloud.
Words are powerful
The act of writing can be incredibly therapeutic. It allows you to confront and articulate feelings you may not have even realized you were carrying. Through this process, you’re not just communicating with your parent; you’re also reaching out to your inner self. It’s a form of self-care, a way to acknowledge your feelings and affirm that they are valid.
How to write your letter to your parent with a substance use disorder
1. Start with Compassion: Begin from a place of love or empathy, even if it’s mixed with other, harder emotions. Remember, this letter is as much for you as it is for them.
2. Be Honest, But Kind: Use “I” statements to express how their behavior has impacted you. This isn’t about casting blame but about being honest with yourself and them.
I feel angry when…
I feel frustrated when..
I feel hurt when….
3. Express your needs and boundaries: Clearly state what you need from them, even if it’s just emotional closure or space.
For my own health, I need…
I need…
4. Reflect on positive memories: If possible, include positive memories or attributes of your parent. This can be healing for you and, if you choose to send the letter, can soften its reception.
5. Decide if you want to send it to your parent or not. There’s no right or wrong decision here. Sometimes, the act of writing is enough. Other times, sending the letter can be a step toward mutual understanding and forgiveness.
Whether or not to send the letter is entirely up to you. This decision depends on your circumstances, your relationship with your parent and what you hope to achieve. Remember, there’s no pressure to send it. Sometimes, the act of writing is the most crucial part.
You’re not alone
You’re not alone in this journey. Many have walked this path, feeling the same confusion and hurt. But there’s hope and healing in the process of expressing these feelings, whether they are ever read by your parent or not.
Writing to your alcoholic parent isn’t about changing them or the past. It’s about acknowledging your feelings and beginning to heal from within. It’s a brave step, one that speaks of your strength and your commitment to your own well-being.
You deserve the life you want.
