Growing up with an alcoholic parent can have long-lasting effects on a child. As an adult child of an alcoholic, you may feel an overwhelming sense of responsibility to take care of your parent. This may lead to feelings of guilt and anxiety, and can prevent you from living the life you want. If you’re like me, you may have taken on the role of being your parent’s parent. To end this, you have to learn how to stop thinking it’s your job to take care of your alcoholic mother or father and take control of your own life.
1. Recognize that you are not responsible for your parent’s behavior or problems.
The first step in stopping the cycle of codependency is acknowledging that you are not responsible for your parent’s behavior. Alcoholism is a disease, and your parent’s actions are not your fault. You cannot control your parent’s behavior or choices. You’re an entirely separate person. While you can offer support, as described in the awesome book, Love First, it is ultimately up to your parent to seek help and take responsibility for their actions. You cannot control anyone but you.
I’m still trying to reprogram my thinking in this area. By age seven, I had entirely switched roles with my mother as her alcoholism worsened. I was the responsible parent and she was the irresponsible child. I thought it was fully my responsibility to cure her of her addiction and to clean up all the messes that followed her behavior. Today, I live for me, but sometimes, I slip back into my old ways of thinking and wanting to swoop in to save the day for Mom. That is the thinking I’ve known my whole life so when I feel myself beginning to feel and act like the parent, I have to bring out my codependency books and refresh my memory.
2. Set boundaries and stick to them.
Setting boundaries is an important part of taking care of yourself. It’s also one of the hardest things to do! Often the most important, life-improving steps you can take is to set boundaries and stick to them. You can tell a boundary is going to be effective for you when it feels wrong. Those are the ones that you realize later were the best things to do.
Establishing clear boundaries with your parent can help you maintain a healthy relationship and prevent you from being sucked into their chaos. This may mean limiting contact, refusing to engage in arguments, or refusing to provide financial support. It is essential to communicate your boundaries clearly and firmly and to stick to them.
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3. Get support.
Healing from the trauma of growing up with an alcoholic parent can be a long and challenging process. It is important to seek support from a therapist and support group. Talking to someone who understands what you are going through can be incredibly helpful in helping you process your feelings and develop healthy coping mechanisms.
Look for a therapist who specializes in dysfunctional families and the Adult Child of an Alcoholic Syndrome who can give you tools to heal from your traumatic experiences. Attend Al-Anon and Adult Children of Alcoholics support group meetings; it is very impactful to hear from other people who share a variation of your story.
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4. Focus on your own life.
Your. Only. Job. In. life. Is. To. Take. Good. Care. Of. You. I repeat this every day.
It is easy to get caught up in the drama of your parent’s addiction and lose sight of your own goals and aspirations. Make a conscious effort to focus on your own life and pursue your passions. This may mean investing in your career, exploring new hobbies, or spending time with friends and family. Taking care of yourself is not selfish – it is essential to your well-being.
Back in 2009, when I hit rock bottom in my depression, I began doing anything that sounded like fun or stuff that little-kid me would have liked. I started writing, took a creative writing class at a local community college and made several new writer friends. While I did that, I also jumped into education about addiction and attended Al-Anon meetings. These efforts set me on my healing journey, and I am forever grateful!
Final Thoughts
Healing from the trauma of growing up with an alcoholic parent is a journey, and it is essential to take care of yourself along the way. Acknowledge that you are not responsible for your parent’s behavior, set boundaries, seek support, and focus on your own life. Remember, you are worthy of love and you deserve a life you love. It is never too late to start living the life you want.
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