The most common question people ask me after they learn about my experience growing up with a mom who has a substance use disorder is, “so what is your relationship like with your mother today?”
My mother’s alcoholism deeply affected me – as it did my sister and my dad.
So, for many years, my mother and I had a terrible relationship. As a teenager and young adult, I was hurt, confused, resentful, angry and fearful about her drinking and the effects of it. I pleaded with her to stop drinking and to let us help her get help. She was anger and frustrated that I was always upset – always trying to control her.
However, today, my relationship with my other is very different. It’s better than I could have ever imagined – and it’s all because I set boundaries with her a few years ago.
Setting boundaries with an alcoholic parent
“How to set boundaries with an alcoholic parent” is a book I would buy. Since it does not exist, I’m writing it, fyi.
No talking when she’s been drinking
About three years, I set a strong boundary with my mother. It was difficult. I told my mother I would not speak with her when she’d had anything to drink. At first, I felt cruel. What if she was in trouble? What if she needed help? What would happen if I didn’t answer? It was hard for Mom, too. In fact, she called every night, drunk and then more drunk, into the wee hours for about three weeks straight. Finally, she accepted that boundary and stopped calling when she’d been drinking. She also extended this boundary to my sister, even though my sister hadn’t formally set it.
Then I didn’t have the anger, resentment, sadness and fear that came with knowing that Mom was drunk and exactly how drunk she was that night. No phone calls gave me peace.
Phone calls 1-2 times/week maximum
The next important boundary I set was limiting phone calls with her to 1-2 times per week. After my father’s sudden passing in 2014, I felt a deep sense of responsibility for my mother’s life. I was terrified that she would die somehow – either from alcohol poisoning, an accident in the house or from drinking and driving. So, after I set the no-talking-when-drinking boundary, I would call her in the morning on my drive into work. I just wanted reassurance that she was still alive.
But I found that those morning conversations often turned negative. Or, I could tell that she was still drunk from the night before and it would cause me waves of extreme anxiety. By the time I’d arrive at the office, I’d be stressed and anxious. It would affect the rest of the day.
I realized I couldn’t do that any longer. So, we began speaking just 1-2 times per week – usually on weekend mornings. These how-are-you conversations are much more pleasant and relaxed – healthier!
Forgiving my mother and father
Another major milestone in my adult child of an alcoholic healing journey that had a big impact on my relationship with mother was telling her that I forgave her. I told her that through my education, I understood substance use disorders and what she was facing with that. I also explained that I understood that she never healed from her extreme childhood and young adulthood trauma. I told her I couldn’t have imagined waking up with that kind of burden every day.
But I told her that I will always feel sadness that I couldn’t help her get help, even though I tried so hard. I told her that I forgave her for everything she did and didn’t do because of her addiction. I know she has a lot of guilt inside of her and my words may have given her a sliver of relief. Ever since then, our relationship has been much, much better. We have stronger understanding of one another.
This was on my mind because today is Father’s Day, a day that’s always a little painful for me since Dad’s passing. My mother came to home to use something of mine. We talked a lot about my new house. I had forgotten that she was a homeowner for most of her life and that she had a lot of experience and ideas. She had a lot of insight and advice. She was pleasant and complimentary. I pretended for a bit that that was the only version of Mom I’d ever known. I pretended that alcoholism never existed. I pretended that that was our special relationship. It was comforting. But then reality hit with a slap of grief. That is the relationship I would have had with my mother had she not developed a substance use disorder and refused to get help. This is the relationship I would have enjoyed my whole life if alcoholism didn’t exist in our family. What would have been. That thought stings.
But today, I will appreciate that I can spend time with the true version of Mom – the kind and sweet human being underneath layers that addiction built. I will appreciate and celebrate my adult child of an alcoholic journey progress. I wish I could go back in time and tell little-kid me what today was like.
We are where we are today because of one thing: I set boundaries that have been beneficial for my mother, sister and me. It’s important to note that those boundaries felt so wrong when I was setting them! I felt like a cruel, terrible person. Yet soon afterward, I realized that they were 100% the right thing to do – albeit difficult at first.
The power of boundary setting
Setting boundaries and creating distance could be the very thing that is needed for you to move forward and take good care of you. Setting boundaries must be important for your family and your loved ones with addictions. Perhaps boundaries are what is needed for healing and repairing.
I hope you are so well in your healing journey today and that you are actively building the life that you want and deserve.
Jody Lamb is an author, blogger and adult child of an alcoholic on a journey to create an awesome grownup life. Visit JodyLamb.com. Twitter and Instagram: @JodyMLamb. YouTube: /JodyLamb. Facebook.com/JodyLambAuthor.
