As an adult child of an alcoholic, it can be challenging to know how to best support your alcoholic parent. While it’s natural to want to do anything you can to rescue your parent from their addiction, it’s important to recognize that there is such a thing as doing too much. In fact, sometimes what seems like helping may instead be encouraging or supporting their harmful behaviors. This is called enabling.
So what does being an enabler mean, and what can you do to support your loved one in a healthy and effective way instead? Here’s everything you need to know about how to stop enabling an alcoholic parent:
What is an Enabler?
An enabler is someone who supports another person’s unhealthy behaviors, whether directly or indirectly. Although it can be difficult to tell the difference between helping your loved one and enabling them, a good indicator is whether what you are doing is preventing them from experiencing the natural consequences of their actions. If so, you are probably enabling your alcoholic parent, and it’s important to find healthy ways to support them instead.
Signs You May Be Enabling Your Alcoholic Parent
Often, adult children of alcoholics enable their parents without even realizing it. For this reason, sometimes the most important step is simply to understand the signs of enabling so that you can recognize and replace them with healthy behaviors instead. While there are many indicators that you could be enabling someone, here are three common signs to look for:
1. Leniency with Boundaries
First, a strong indication that you might be enabling an alcoholic parent is if you are allowing your boundaries to be crossed without consequences. Although it can be painful to follow through when your loved one disrespects your boundaries, allowing your boundaries to be crossed is not fair to you or to your alcoholic parent. Communicating that your loved one’s behavior does not have consequences only helps encourage more negative behavior in the future.
2. Secret-Keeping
Another sign of enabling alcoholic parents may come in the form of keeping secrets, particularly harmful or dangerous ones. Although it’s easy to confuse simply respecting someone’s privacy with concealing dangerous information about someone’s addiction with others, usually keeping secrets pertaining to an addiction tends to be more harmful than helpful.
Along a similar vein, making excuses for someone or helping them cover up their behavior from others is another sign you may be acting as an enabler. While it may be tempting to deny, avoid, or make excuses for your alcoholic’s behavior to avoid more pain, remember that in the long-term, this behavior will only cause more harm.
3. Assuming Your Loved One’s Responsibilities
As a child of an alcoholic, watching your parent struggle with addiction can be extremely difficult, and you may be tempted to step in to try to take control or alleviate some of their pain. Whether you take on financial responsibilities, tasks that shouldn’t be yours to fulfill, or any obligation that is simply not reasonable, you are enabling your alcoholic parent.
How to Stop Enabling Your Alcoholic Parent
If you’ve fallen into the habit of enabling your alcoholic parent, it’s important not to be too hard on yourself. Enabling often comes from a place of love, and with the right information and resources, you can learn how to support your loved one in a healthier way. Attending a support group, encouraging your parent to see a therapist, and setting firm but healthy boundaries are a few of the ways that you can help your loved one find healing, while also taking care of yourself.
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Thanks for your insights on this issue. This question really caused me anxiety when my parents were alive. I could never confront them head on, but I did try to keep to the guidelines you mention.