For many children of alcoholics, the childhood they experience is far from normal. Chaos, instability, and stress are often at the center of a home with an alcoholic parent, and this can create unhealthy and toxic dynamics for members of the family.

If this sounds like the home you experienced as a child, it’s likely that you grew up with a dysfunctional family. Although dysfunctional families are complicated, messy, and painful, understanding the signs of dysfunction can help you identify unhealthy behaviors in your family, learn how to set healthy boundaries, and move toward healing, not only in your own life, but in your relationships with your family members too.

What is a Dysfunctional Family?

A dysfunctional family is one where abuse and conflict are a regular part of everyday life. Yelling, stonewalling, and other negative forms of communication are common, and relationships among family members are toxic and unhealthy. Although no two dysfunctional families are the same, many share similar underlying, unhealthy patterns and behaviors.

Signs of a Dysfunctional Family

Identifying dysfunction in your own family can be difficult. After all, your family is likely all you’ve ever known, and what you probably view as normal. However, understanding common signs can help you identify whether or not you grew up in a dysfunctional household. Here’s what to look for:

Abuse

One of the most common signs of a dysfunctional family is abuse. Abuse is not only physical–it can also be mental, emotional, and verbal. This can look like withholding love and affection, casting verbal insults, or simply neglecting a person’s basic physical and emotional needs. Whatever kind of abuse you may have experienced in your family, it’s important to take the steps you need to protect yourself now and in the future.

Lack of Boundaries

Although it’s generally normal and healthy for family members’ lives to have some overlap, in a dysfunctional family, family members’ lives are intertwined in an unhealthy or excessive way. If your parent or other family members took away your autonomy, were controlling, or forced you to take the role of parent when you were just a child, your boundaries have been crossed and it’s important to learn how to set new ones going forward.

Lack of Expression or Feelings

It’s normal and healthy for children to rely on their parents for the affection and support they need. However, in a dysfunctional family, parents tend to be emotionally unavailable. Whether their alcoholism made them unable to provide the love and care you needed or they simply chose to stonewall or withhold love, lack of healthy feeling and communication is a typical sign of a toxic family.

What to Do if You Grew Up in a Dysfunctional Family

If you recognize some of these signs as part of your childhood, you likely grew up with a dysfunctional family. However, regardless of how difficult your family situation may be, know that you deserve the life you want. If you’re looking for help healing from your dysfunctional family, or wondering what to do if you have an alcoholic parent, know that you aren’t alone.

Take these steps to start your healing path:

1. Get crystal clear about the life you want
2. Focus on self-care activities
3. Find a therapist with dysfunctional family expertise
4. Listen to inspiring podcasts and audiobooks
5. Read books about healing from a dysfunctional upbring

With the right help and resources, you can move forward from your past, identify unhealthy behaviors and situations your family has, help your inner child find healing, and create a life you love.

Related resources

The beginner’s guide to healing for adult children of alcoholics