Are you codependent? If you ever felt a heavy sense of responsibility for everyone and everything around you, you are likely suffering from codependency. I spent most of my life unknowingly codependent until my awesome Aunt Barb gifted me a book called “Codependent No More” by Melody Beattie.
Codependency happens when you ignore your own needs to excessively meet the needs of others. It comes from a deep-seated desire to care for and connect with those around us. While it appears self-less on the surface, it becomes destructive. People who grew up with an alcoholic parent or in another type of dysfunctional environment are most likely to suffer from codependency. It can be crippling!
That’s why I believe every adult child of an alcoholic should read Melody’s “Codependent No More.”
The book helped me realize that I was suffering deeply from codependency. Before then, I thought the only ill person in my circle was my mother with her substance use disorder. Melody opened my eyes to recognize that I’d been so focused on trying to cure something I had zero control over (my mother’s addiction) that I’d become ill myself with a severe case of codependency.
Here are three life-changing facts Melody taught me about codependency:
1. It is destructive.
Codependency prevents other people from caring for themselves and causes you to neglect yourself.
“Caretaking doesn’t help,” Melody wrote in Codependent No More. “It causes problems. When we take care of people and do things we don’t want to do, we ignore personal needs, wants, and feelings. We put ourselves aside. Sometimes we get so busy taking care of people that we put our entire lives and hold…. May become seriously depressed as a result of not getting our needs met.”
2. It can become an obsession.
When I was a child, I became convinced it was my duty to get my mother to stop drinking. I didn’t understand she had a substance use disorder and I mistakenly believed she could control it. I felt it was up to me to find the solution. When nothing I tried worked, I became obsessed with finding the solution that would finally work. I wrote heartfelt letters to her, I hid and poured out her bottles and I pleaded with her through tears. Nothing. Ever. Worked. As her substance use disorder worsened, I became even more focused on solving the problem that I was never mine to solve. I couldn’t think of anything else because I believed that if I could get Mom to stop drinking, my mom, dad and me could finally live happily ever after. I was obsessed her drinking problem and, as a result, I completely neglected myself.
“Obsession with another human being, or a problem, is an awful thing to be caught up in,” Melody wrote in Codependent No More. “Have you ever seen someone who is obsessed with someone or something? That person can talk about nothing else, can think of nothing else. Even if he appears to be listening when you talk, you know that person doesn’t hear you. His mind is tossing and turning, crashing and banging, around and around on an endless racetrack of compulsive thought…He is bursting with a jarring energy that obsession is made of he has a problem or concern that is not only bothering send-it is controlling him.
3. It can be a powerful invitation to change.
While it may present challenges, recognizing codependency is the first step in a journey toward self-discovery and empowerment. Codependency is an invitation to embark on a transformative path where you learn to balance your natural empathy and compassion with healthy boundaries and self-care. This journey leads to a deeper understanding of yourself, your needs and your desires, helping you build more fulfilling and balanced relationships.
I’d go into full-on fan girl mode if I met Melody. Back in the 1980s, Melody brought codependency to the mainstream and helped the world understand it so they could recover, heal and create healthier, happier lives. She was one of the first self-help gurus who boldly changed the world forever. Thank you, Melody.
Wishing you serenity.
