Raise your hand if you have nagging worry that your spouse will leave you one day or that your friend will bail on you. Sound familiar? Trust issues are common for people who grew up with an alcoholic parent or who experienced other kinds of childhood trauma.
What if I told you with time, effort and helpful resources and support, you can overcome these trust issues and enjoy happy and fulfilling relationships? Back in the day, I really struggled with trust due to my experience growing up dealing with my mother’s substance use disorder. Here are some simple steps you can take to overcome trust issues from your childhood as an adult child of an alcoholic:
1. Acknowledge Where You Are Now
If you’re having trouble trusting others, the first step toward healing is to acknowledge where you are now. Although it may be tempting to ignore the problem or shift the blame, recognizing that you are experiencing trust issues because of your past experiences is one of the most important steps in moving forward.
When you feel yourself mistrusting an important someone in your life, pause and ask yourself why you are feeling that way. Has this person actually done or not done something to cause you to lose trust? Or, are you simply allowing your past experiences to invent reasons to mistrust?
The reality is we adult children of alcoholics are super great at seeking validation of our fears by creating reasons to mistrust that are completely made up.
2. Let Your Friends and Family Know Why You Are The Way You Are
Unless you have firsthand experience with dysfunctional childhood experiences, it’s hard to understand trust-related behavior. We children of alcoholics can be mightily confusing, let me tell you! That’s why it’s important to communicate about trust issues. Your friends and family will appreciate the awareness of how you’re programmed so they can better understand why you struggle with trust.
Early on in my relationship with my husband, I explained my trust issues and what caused them. I need frequent reassurance that our relationship is healthy and strong. He grew up differently, and it’s difficult for him to understand why I think the way I do, but by educating him about this challenge, our relationship is far healthier. He has helped me overcome the trust issues, and I’m grateful for that.
3. Understand Why You Have Trust Issues
Next, it’s important to understand the root of your trust issues. Although it may be difficult, processing your past childhood trauma is a crucial step towards healing.
As children, it’s normal and healthy to trust our parents. This trust provides a sense of comfort, confidence and security throughout our early years and into adulthood. Unfortunately, the reality for many children of alcoholic parents is much different. When a parent breaches a child’s trust through unreliability, withholding love or instability due to an addiction, it can cause harmful trust issues that many children of alcoholic parents carry into adulthood. Our parents were constantly letting us down so it’s totally normal that we end up fearing everyone we care about will do the same.
4. Choose to Be Trustworthy Yourself
One of the best ways to help overcome trust issues is to work on your own ability to be trustworthy. Knowing that other people can trust you will give you greater confidence and higher self-esteem as you learn to fully trust other people in your life.
Be the spouse, friend, co-worker and neighbor you want. Sometimes, we can unknowingly hurt people because of our past.
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5. Be Patient with Yourself
While it’s normal to struggle with trust issues as an ACoA, these issues can be extremely complex and difficult to deal with, so remember to be kind to yourself. Although it’s easy to become frustrated if you aren’t progressing as quickly as you’d like to, remember, the most important thing is to be patient with yourself and keep trying. Healing is a lifelong journey.
6. Seek Help from a Therapist
Finally, therapy is another powerful tool to help you heal from trust issues. A skilled therapist can help you process past trauma, provide powerful insights and guide you throughout your healing journey. There is something mighty powerful about questions from a professional. Unlike your family and friends, a therapist doesn’t carry bias because they’re not in your circle of people. They’re essentially a stranger with no stake in anything and they’re going to look at things clearly. They could ask you questions that change the way you look at your life and how you live it.
Look for a therapist who specializes in working with adult children of alcoholics (ACoA). Therapists who have experience working with other ACoAs are likely to be familiar with struggles you are experiencing and may be best equipped to help you.
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Start Your Healing Journey Today
If you are struggling with trust issues as an ACoA, know that you are not alone, and there are many resources and support that can help. With time and effort, you can fully heal, learn to trust again, and experience happy and fulfilling relationships.
