Is it easy to be friends with you? If you’re an adult child of an alcoholic like me, the answer may be no. Have you unintentionally hurt people because of issues stemming from how you grew up? The answer may be yes. It is for me. Raise your hand if you’re also good at self-sabotaging your life by pushing people away. Um, yes.
I hurt many people in my life, and it took me years to realize it. Early on in my effort to turn my life around and heal, I remember reading that adult children of alcoholics should think about how they’ve wronged other people. I thought, what do I need to ask forgiveness for? I’m the victim of the chaos surrounding my mother’s alcohol use disorder.
However, it became clearer: I had hurt many people in many ways. An important milestone in my healing journey was recognizing this fact and asking for forgiveness from myself, my friends and other people who cared about me. Yikes! It was an eye-opening experience.
Here’s how I hurt people who cared about me:
I neglected them.
At several points in my life, I was completely focused on what I thought was my duty: to convince Mom to stop drinking. I spent all my free time cleaning up all the messes that resulted from her drinking, and being a stable, reliable grownup for my little sister. This left me with little to no time for my friends, other family members and anyone else who wanted to spend time with me. I wasn’t there for them in the ways I wanted to be because I was chasing something I couldn’t control: Mom’s sobriety. Finding a solution to what I thought was my problem to solve occupied my thoughts all the time. As a result, I didn’t give people I cared about enough support through tough times, and I limited the fun times we had together. I neglected all my relationships. Through my education, I learned that adult children of alcoholics alternate between being overly accommodating and enabling or overly emotionally closed-off in their relationships. No surprise.
I refused their help.
One of my biggest struggles is accepting help from other people – and it’s no wonder why. As a child, I became the responsible adult in our household. Taking care of EVERYTHING myself is the only life I’ve ever known.
When my father passed away, my friend offered to come over and help me go through all my parents’ files because, naturally, I’d taken on getting everything sorted out for my mom. I repeatedly dismissed her offer, even though I was exhausted because I was also coping with Mom’s grief-fueled plummet deeper into addiction. Looking back, I realize how much accepting her help would have been a godsend. Sometimes we just need to embrace the support that’s extended our way.
I avoided close friendships.
Ah, the struggle was real when it came to developing deep connections with others. I carried this fear deep inside that my friends would eventually let me down, just like my parents did. So, I found it easier to keep my friend list short. People would invite me to hang out, and more often than not, I declined their offers. Eventually, they got the impression that I simply didn’t want to be friends with them. But here’s the kicker: I genuinely valued their friendship. The problem was that I doubted I could be the kind of friend they expected me to be. Growing up in an unpredictable and unstable environment breeds insecurity, fear, and self-doubt in us as adults. Those feelings make us believe we’re unworthy of love, including friendship. I felt burdened by emotional baggage from my experiences. I felt alone in my struggles, convinced that everyone else was freer, happier, and healthier than me. Turns out, children of alcoholics often develop coping mechanisms like substance use disorders or controlling, perfectionist, and people-pleasing tendencies. Sound familiar? Well, that’s me—the perfectionist people pleaser. These patterns can create power struggles within relationships and, ultimately, lead us to hurt the people we care about the most.
I confused everyone.
Those wounds left by a childhood surrounded by alcoholism? They can create emotional triggers that are not always easy to spot. Trust me, I’ve been there. Certain situations or behaviors can bring up painful memories, triggering intense emotional reactions. And in those moments, we might find ourselves behaving in strange ways, withdrawing from the people around us without fully understanding why. It’s confusing for everyone involved and can leave them feeling frustrated, rejected or just plain misunderstood. We owe it to ourselves and those we care about to navigate these triggers with grace and understanding.
Related Information
How to stop hurting people
When you’re an adult child of an alcoholic, asking for forgiveness and becoming a better friend can be a game-changer in your healing journey. Here are the steps I took to improve my relationships:
1. Recognize how you failed.
First things first, let’s own up to our past actions and how they may have affected others. It’s time to take a good, hard look at how our upbringing and personal struggles have shaped us. And let’s not kid ourselves—our choices weren’t solely dictated by our circumstances. Have an honest heart-to-heart with our friends, both old and new, sincerely apologize, and let them in on the steps we’re taking to make positive changes. Trust me, vulnerability and accountability go a long way.
2. Seek support from therapy and support groups.
Therapy and support groups have been absolute lifelines for me on this journey, and they can be for you too. They provide invaluable guidance, teach healthier coping mechanisms, and create a safe space where we can share our experiences and learn from others who’ve walked a similar path.
3. Start being a better friend now.
Start being a better friend now: Let’s show our friends that we’ve changed. Let’s give them the love, understanding, and support they deserve. Be there for them when they need us, and actively participate in their lives. Rebuilding trust takes time, but if we stay committed and consistently show them we’re in it for the long haul, we can build stronger friendships and find healing along the way.
Closing thoughts
Here’s the bottom line, my friend: Being an adult child of an alcoholic is an experience that significantly shapes our lives. The scars from our upbringing can unintentionally cause hurt and pain to others, despite our best intentions. But the key to our personal growth and healing lies in recognizing the impact of our background. Through therapy, support groups, and self-reflection, we can learn healthier coping mechanisms, establish boundaries, develop emotional resilience, and build incredible relationships.
You know what? We have the power to break the cycle of hurt. I’m living proof of that, and I wholeheartedly believe you can do it too. Let’s embark on this transformative journey together—let’s heal, understand, and build amazing relationships.
