Learning how to navigate Mother’s Day or Father’s Day can be challenging for adult children of mothers and fathers who are alcoholics. Between painful past experiences and difficult relationships, it can be difficult to know how to approach these holidays in a healthy way.
However, making self-care a priority and using healthy coping strategies can help you find support and comfort during these times. Here are some tips that can help with handling Mother’s Day or Father’s Day in a healthy way as the daughter of an alcoholic mother or father:
Acknowledge Your Feelings
First, it’s important to recognize and validate the emotions that come up around this time of year. Whatever your feelings may be, allow yourself to experience them without shame or embarrassment, and accept that it’s okay not to feel celebratory on Mother’s or Father’s Day. When navigating these complicated feelings, journaling can be a useful tool to help you process and work through difficult emotions.
Mother’s Day always tests my ability to navigate the tricky dynamics with my alcoholic mother. That day sets me on a rollercoaster of emotions, to say the least. I grieve that she was incapable of being the mother I needed her to be because of her substance use disorder and her own unhealed childhood trauma. On one hand, I want to honor and appreciate her as my mom, but on the other hand, I do not have the kind of joyous mother-daughter relationship that other people enjoy. We have a difficult past together, and I can’t just ignore my feelings and pretend everything is hunky-dory or that we are the best of friends.
Early on in my healing journey, I recognized that Mother’s Day would always feel difficult, and that’s okay. So, every year on Mother’s Day, I prioritize my own emotional well-being. It’s okay to take care of yourself and set boundaries, even on that holiday. It’s a constant journey, filled with ups and downs, but each year brings a new opportunity for growth, healing, and finding the right balance between honoring your parent and taking good care of yourself.
Set Boundaries
Next, it’s okay (and important) to set boundaries. Decide what is and what isn’t acceptable behavior from your mother on Mother’s Day or your father on Father’s Day, and don’t be afraid to stick to your boundaries. Communicate your boundaries in a clear and respectful way, and then expect them to be honored. Learning to set boundaries is often difficult and uncomfortable at first, so don’t be afraid to enlist the help of a therapist or support group to help you practice boundary-setting.
Practice Self Care
Another helpful tip for handling Mother’s Day or Father’s Day is making time for self-care. Set aside time for activities that bring you joy and peace. Making sure you are well taken care of emotionally, physically, and mentally will give you the stamina you need to navigate painful feelings during this difficult time. Engage in healthy coping mechanisms, such as exercise, meditation and therapy.
Another important part of self care is spending time with other family members or friends who understand and support you. Making time for these positive relationships will help you feel peace and comfort as you navigate Mother’s or Father’s Day.
Last Mother’s Day, I decided it was best if I didn’t plan any activities with my mother. Instead, my sister and I had lunch and went to the movie theater. It was fun and gave us both a day of relaxation.
Consider Alternative Celebrations
When it comes to celebrating Mother’s or Father’s Day, there’s no right or wrong way to do it–it’s okay to celebrate in a way that feels safe and comfortable for you. Focus on honoring the mother or father figures in your life who have provided support and love throughout your life. Every Mother’s Day, I reach out to the people who’ve been motherly to me over the years: aunts, cousins and friends. It’s a great opportunity to express appreciation for everything they’ve done for you. Another tip is to focus on giving back to others who may be struggling on Mother’s or Father’s Day. Providing support and comfort can make all the difference in helping someone find healing and peace.
Final Thoughts
Although Mother’s or Father’s Day can be difficult to navigate, using healthy coping strategies can make a big difference in helping you get through and even enjoy these holidays. Prioritize self-care and don’t be afraid to seek support when needed. Remember, it’s okay to work through things at your own pace.
Finally, if you’re struggling with a difficult relationship with an alcoholic parent, know that there are many resources that can help you find support and healing, so don’t hesitate to reach out for help.
