For many adult children of alcoholics, it’s common to struggle with feelings of shame about your parent’s addiction and how it has impacted your life. Many people feel ashamed if they have an alcoholic parent due to the negative stigma and stereotypes associated with alcoholism. This embarrassment can stem from a feeling of helplessness or an inability to control the situation.
As adult children of alcoholics, we often feel that it’s our responsibility to stop our parents from drinking. For most of my life, I felt I’d failed as a daughter because I couldn’t get my mother to stop drinking. I was ashamed that no matter what I did to help her, her drinking worsened. Fortunately, as I began my healing journey, I realized my mother’s drinking problem was actually addiction and it had nothing to do with me. I couldn’t control her or get her to stop; only she had that power.
All those years, I thought my mother’s drinking problem was unique to my family or that everyone else had found a way to solve the problem if it popped up in their family. I had no idea that I was far from alone in my situation. In fact, the National Association for Children of Addiction estimates one in four youth under age 18 lives in a family where a person abuses alcohol or suffers from alcoholism. Countless others are affected by a family member’s use of drugs.
Letting go of shame if you grew up with an alcoholic parent is an important step in your healing journey. It can set you free to focus on the only person you can control – yourself! Here are the things I did that helped me shed shame about my mother’s alcoholism:
1. Commit to Starting Your Healing Journey
Many adult children of alcoholics are so wrapped up in the chaos surrounding their parent’s addiction, they don’t start their healing journey until they reach a breaking point. For me, I did not start my healing journey until I was ill and overwhelmed with struggles tied to growing up with an alcoholic parent.
When you finally admit your parent’s drinking deeply affected you, make a commitment to your healing journey. Through the healing process, shame over what happened in your family will fade, as you recognize how common it actually is in so many families.
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2. Recognize That You Are Not Your Parent
It’s completely normal to feel ashamed or embarrassed if you have an alcoholic parent, but it’s important to remember that it is not your fault and you are not responsible for your parent’s choices. You. Are. Not. Your. Parent.
Say it with me now! I. Am. Not. My. Mom/Dad.
Along with the understanding that you are not responsible for your parent’s alcoholism, it’s important to recognize that you cannot control your parent’s choices. Addiction is possible. You cannot control other person. You are only responsible for yourself. Understanding this truth can be liberating–you are not at fault, and you’re completely free to make different choices for your life.
Like me, millions of people who grew up with an alcoholic parent have forged an entirely different path than their parents. In fact, some of the most successful, satisfied and healthy people I know grew up in terrible environments. You can do it, too.
3. Get a Therapist Who Specializes in Helping ACoAs
Choosing to begin therapy is another powerful step you can take to help you let go of adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA) shame. Therapists can help you process difficult emotions, guide you as you work through past trauma, and ultimately, let go of the shame that you feel.
When searching for a therapist, look for someone who specializes in helping ACoAs. Therapists with this experience typically have an increased capacity to understand what you’re going through.
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4. Dedicate Time for Self-Care
Another important step you can take to overcome the shame you feel about addiction in your family is by making time for self-care so that you’re in a healthy place, physically, emotionally and mentally. Take time to exercise, get enough sleep, eat healthy food and set aside time for activities you enjoy. Dedicating time for self-care can make all the difference in your ability to overcome any shame that you feel about addiction. If you’re busy being focused on taking good care of you and creating a life you love, there’s no time to focus on addiction in your family.
5. Study the Effects of Addiction on Families
Finally, dedicate time toward understanding the effects that addiction has on families. Read books, study the latest research and learn about the experiences of others who have dealt with addiction in their families. Understanding as much as you can about how addiction affects families will help you face the situation more knowledgeably and confidently.
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It’s completely normal to feel shame if you have an alcoholic parent, but it’s important to remember, most of all, that it’s not your fault! You are not responsible for anyone’s actions but your own, and you deserve to find healing and peace.
Best wishes to you in your healing journey.
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My mom was an overeater before she became an alcoholic but her behavior was all the same, secret eating, yelling at us, she tried to overcome it every week on a different diet, she says she’s sober after she got her weight under control she started drinking, she lies tho and criticizes us for our weight and appearance, she’s very hypocritical to us. My siblings thinks there is nothing wrong and our childhood was happy, maybe I took all the abuse I don’t know.