Do you always feel unsatisfied with your life? As adult children of alcoholics, or ACoAs, it’s common to struggle to feel satisfied with ourselves. This is due to the unpredictability that we experienced as children in how our alcoholic parent showed affection. We grew up constantly trying to crack the code on our parent’s true feelings about us. Sometimes, they showered us with affection and affirmation. Other times, they were cold and distant. It’s no wonder we then grow up to be adults who never feel satisfied with ourselves, regardless of our accomplishments. We never feel good enough in any of our roles!
We deserve to feel proud of who we are and what we have accomplished! However, allowing ourselves to feel satisfied is often difficult. Learning how to be at peace with ourselves and with our lives is an important part of healing from the effects of growing up with an alcoholic parent. Here are 5 tips that can help you lead a more satisfied life, based on the steps that have been helpful for me:
1. Be Committed to Self-Care
One of the most important things you can do to lead a more satisfied life is prioritize self-care. As ACOAs, we often feel an instinct to put the needs of everyone else first, but your only job in life is to take good care of you. Give yourself time to rest, eat healthy foods and schedule time for exercise and fresh air. Set aside a few hours each week for a hobby that you enjoy. Making time for self-care will help you not only feel more satisfied in life, but with yourself, too.
2. Get Educated About Addiction and its Effects on Families
Another important step in learning how to be more satisfied in life is getting educated about addiction and how it affects families. Understanding the ways that addiction has impacted your life will provide reassurance, understanding and context that can help guide you on your path to ACoA recovery. Education about addiction is mighty eye opening!
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3. Set Realistic Goals and a System to Achieve Them
Is there anything more fulfilling than setting goals and accomplishing them? Learning to set realistic goals and working toward them is one of the best ways to increase your self-confidence and feel proud of your accomplishments. Whether you set a boundary or other ACoA-related healing goal, fitness-related goal or simply commit to journaling more often, setting and achieving realistic goals will help you feel more satisfied in life. I used to create extremely lofty goals without realistic habit-based systems to achieve them. After reading about the science of habits, now I create goals with realistic systems and you know what? I regularly achieve goals – and that feels so good.
4. Reflect on What You Truly Want in Life
Set aside some time to reflect on what you truly want in life. Seriously, what do you want? What is immediately coming to mind right now? Quickly – write it down on paper, even if it seems unrealistic. Growing up as a child of an alcoholic, there were probably many times when you found yourself in situations that were out of your control and your wants were never considered. As an adult, you can create the life you love. Reflecting on what you want in life will help you feel more confident, in control and satisfied with who you are and where you are in your life.
5. Focus On Your Adult Child of an Alcoholic Journey
Finally, one of the best ways to lead a more satisfied life is by focusing on your healing journey as an ACOA. Although the path to recovery takes time and hard work, the most important thing you can do is focus on your own path to healing and, most of all, remember that you are not alone in your struggles.
Until just a few years ago, satisfaction with my life and anything I accomplished was always out of reach – personally and professionally. No matter what I achieved, or how other people viewed my performance, I always fell short of my own expectations.
Early on in my career, I rejected all compliments and kudos about my work performance from clients, coworkers and supervisors. One day, when I complimented a coworker’s work on a project, she replied that she could have done better on this and that. I jokingly said, “You just devalued my opinion!” In that moment, we both realized how our own struggle with self-satisfaction can affect other people. Now, when someone says something nice about something I’ve done, I reply with gratitude, not dismissal. 😊
After all those years of feeling unsatisfied, I realized I was sick and tired of it. It’s exhausting. So, I took a good look at myself. I knew growing up with an alcoholic mother was likely the root cause of my lack of self-satisfaction. Sometimes, Mom gave me abundant love and affection. Other times, she acted distant, disinterested and disappointed in me. I was constantly confused about how she felt about me, so I concluded that I was simply not good enough. That applied to all my roles, including as a daughter and student. I carried this not-good-enough mindset with me to adulthood, naturally.
I realized I had to learn how to be more satisfied to achieve peace and serenity as I moved forward in my healing journey. Admittedly, I still struggle with self-satisfaction. Ask any coworker or friend and they’ll tell you I am still reluctant to feel fully satisfied, despite successes. However, I have come a long way and now enjoy greater satisfaction in my life than I ever thought I’d feel. If I can do it, you can, too.
Best wishes to you in your healing journey.
