Children of alcoholics often experience heavy amounts of chaos, stress and instability in their early years. This frequently leads to unique struggles and difficulties during childhood. But what happens to children of alcoholics later in life?
For those who grew up in a home with parents who abused alcohol, it’s common for some of the harmful effects to carry over into adulthood. When dealing with the difficult aspects of your past, it’s easy to feel isolated, alone and like no one understands your struggles. However, it’s important to realize that you aren’t alone–many ACoAs (Adult Children of Alcoholics), including yours truly, experience similar difficulties.
An important part of your healing journey as an ACoA is recognizing the lasting effects you might be experiencing as an adult. This will help you understand where to start when working through painful parts of your past to find healing. Let’s take a look at some of the most common traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics.
Common Characteristics of ACoAs
To understand some of the common personality traits of Adult Children of Alcoholics, it’s helpful to turn to leading research. Here are the findings of two widely recognized researchers of ACoAs:
The 13 Characteristics
In 1983, Dr. Janet Woititz, a renowned researcher and counselor known best for her work with ACoAs, published a book entitled “Adult Children of Alcoholics.” This book outlines common characteristics that ACoAs share, due to the uncertainty, turmoil and chaos they experienced as children. Dr. Woititz was married to an alcoholic, and she and her children experienced the devastating effects of alcoholism firsthand. This led her to dedicate her life’s work to studying the impact of alcoholism on families.
Below are the 13 characteristics that ACoAs often share, as outlined in Dr. Woititz’s book:
Any of these traits apply to you? For me, it’s a heck yes, especially feeling extremely responsible for everyone and everything.
It’s important to remember that not all ACoAs have all, or even some, of these characteristics. However, understanding these common attributes is helpful for recognizing some of these characteristics in yourself and can help you know where to start on your healing journey.
The Laundry List
Another source of authority on the subject is Tony A, an ACoA who published a collection of common attributes that he entitled “The Laundry List” in 1978. His list of traits of adult children of alcoholics includes:
- Becoming isolated
- Fearing other people, especially authority figures
- Developing a strong need for approval
- Fearing angry people
- Fearing personal criticism
- Becoming an alcoholic, marrying one, or both
- Viewing life as a victim
- Feeling an overwhelming sense of responsibility
- Feeling more concern with others than themselves
- Feelings of guilt for standing up for themselves
- Feeling addicted to excitement
- Confusing love and pity
- Loving those who need rescuing
- Stifling emotions
- Losing the ability to feel
- Having low self esteem
- Judging themselves harshly (Um, check!)
- Becoming terrified of abandonment
- Doing anything to hold onto a relationship
- Becoming a “para-alcoholic” (someone who adopts the characteristics of the disease, but doesn’t drink)
- Becoming a reactor instead of an actor
Is it just me or did Tony A nail that list?
Effect on Relationships
It’s important to understand that ACoAs naturally approach relationships differently than others might. To look beyond their own pain and struggles, it’s common for ACoAs to give everything they can to their relationships, sometimes even losing themselves in the process. This can especially become a problem for ACoAs who are in a relationship with an alcoholic, someone who struggles with another addiction, or anyone else who is unable to provide sufficient emotional stability or support.
It’s also common for ACoAs to experience trust issues in their relationships. Due to the instability and uncertainty that they experienced as children, ACoAs sometimes come to a relationship expecting their partner to be dishonest or unstable. This can make it difficult for ACoAs to fully trust their significant other or commit to a long-term relationship.
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Start Your Healing Journey Today
If you are an adult child of an alcoholic and relate with any of these characteristics, know that there are ways to find hope and healing, despite the difficulties you experienced in the past. As you embark on your healing journey, here are some things to remember:
- You are only responsible for you: It’s common for Adult Children of Alcoholics to feel high amounts of guilt or responsibility to save others. However, remember that what you experienced in the past is not your fault, and you deserve to find healing. It’s okay to distance yourself from difficult and harmful relationships in an effort to find peace.
- Start where you are: Whether you started on your healing journey long ago or you are only beginning, accept where you are now. Allow yourself to feel any emotions you need to, and remember that the best time to begin healing is today.
- Make time to enjoy yourself: As you deal with the struggles from your past, it might be difficult to make time to have fun. However, dedicating time for hobbies is an important part of healing. Hobbies and creative outlets can provide a needed distraction and will help you relax. Think about what you enjoy doing and schedule it into your weekly plans. This could look like making time to read a mystery novel, joining a community softball team, or even learning to bake a new dessert. For me, I find joy in writing for you!
Most important of all, remember that you aren’t alone. With the right resources, you can find the hope and support you need as you embark on your healing journey. To learn more about how to find healing as an Adult Child of an Alcoholic, join my email list for helpful resources, free tools and support.
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Thank you, Jody, for sharing such an insightful blog about the common characteristics of adult children of alcoholics. It’s important to recognize the lasting effects that may carry over into adulthood and understand where to start when working through the painful parts of the past to find healing. Your article provides helpful insights for anyone who relates to these traits and is looking for hope and healing.
Thank you! Glad it was helpful for you.