Boundaries are difficult to form and stick to, but they are mighty powerful in changing your life. They just might be the key to your healing. They were for me in my healing journey as an adult child of an alcoholic. Boundaries set me free!
Here’s what I’ve learned about ‘em:
- Creating and sticking to a boundary almost always feels wrong. Do it anyway. Later, it will be clear it was the right thing to do.
- Boundaries = freedom. Be thoughtful about what boundaries are needed in your system to heal and get unstuck in your life. The easiest way to identify what boundaries you need to set is to ask yourself one simple question: Is this good for me? Don’t overthink the answer.
- Stuff will happen and boundaries will fall apart. You’ll mess up. That’s okay. Reset your boundaries when you can. Never let too much time pass. The longer you put off resetting them, the harder it will be to get back on track.
The Most Powerful Boundaries of My Life
The most powerful boundaries made me feel like a horrible person at first.
After my father passed away, my mother’s alcoholism, fueled by her grief, dramatically worsened. My sister was only 17 years old and in her junior year of high school. The environment was stressful and unsafe. I made the difficult decision to move my sister out of the house and in with me. Leaving Mom alone felt like leaving a helpless, sick child behind. I sobbed for three days. It felt so wrong and selfish – like I was the worst daughter in history. However, I knew the longer my sister and I stayed close to Mom, the sicker we became ourselves. We couldn’t sleep and we were constantly worried. Fortunately, a few months after the move, we had all improved! My sister and I were healthy and happy in a safe environment together. We could grieve in peace and move forward with healing from everything we’d experienced. This forced Mom to be an adult and take care of herself without my dad or anyone around to clean up the messes she created. She improved by being away from us! Boundaries can help more than just you.
The next boundary-setting opportunity arrived about a year later. Through this period, I frequently spoke with Mom. Then I realized I was becoming ill and couldn’t process my own grief. Boundaries were needed. My mother had been calling every night when she’d been drinking. Nothing good ever came from those conversations, but I felt obligated to talk to her because she was lonely and grieving. When I didn’t answer, I felt so guilty, it disrupted my peace. Finally, I told her I wouldn’t be answering her calls in the evening. For three weeks, the unanswered calls continued. Every time I saw her name appear on my phone, I felt like a terrible daughter. However, Mom finally stopped calling at night and our relationship improved more than I ever expected!
As Melody Beattie wrote in “Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself”, it is clear that “guilt can prevent us from setting the boundaries that would be in our best interests, and in other people’s best interests.” Don’t let guilt prevent you from establishing the powerful boundaries that will set you free.
More Information
Check out this article about how to set healthy boundaries with your parents for practical tips:
How to set healthy boundaries with your parents
