So, you’re dating an adult child of an alcoholic? Five things to know for a better relationship

Dating someone who grew up with an alcoholic parent and confused by things they do or don’t do? Are your spouse’s past experiences as a kid in a dysfunctional home affecting your marriage and family today? Are you ready to better understand this person you love and how their experiences affect life today? I get it because I’m an adult child of an alcoholic (ACoA) and that has affected all my romantic relationships.

What if I said you can improve your relationship with an adult child of an alcoholic or someone who grew up in a dysfunctional home if you know a few key things? I am no relationship expert, but I’ve developed wisdom over the last 20 years of dating and studying other people’s courtships and marriages. My ACoA-ness affects my relationships less than it did before. Sorry, past flames of younger me!

Five things to know about the adult child of an alcoholic you love

1.      You’ll never truly understand the person you love if they have an alcoholic parent…and that’s okay.

Unless you’ve loved someone who’s addicted, it’s nearly impossible to imagine what it’s like. It brings life experiences that cannot be accurately recounted and understood unless you lived it yourself. Perhaps your partner shares fragments of stories, but just can’t find the right words to explain it fully. Maybe they would like nothing more to share with you, but it’s complicated to explain. Maybe your spouse keeps all those stories bottled up and their past is a massive mystery to you.

There is nothing easy about speaking or writing about what happened when we were growing up with an alcoholic parent. I’m a writer by trade and I struggle to string together the right set of words to paint the picture. It’s just so complex and painful.

So, how can you help the adult child of an alcoholic you love? Get educated.

The fact that you are reading this article shows how much you care about them. Education about the effects of addiction on the people will help you understand why your partner is the way they are. Check out this list of the best adult children of alcoholics books. Read them – and you may better understand the adult child of alcoholic better than they understand themselves if they haven’t started their the ACoA healing journey yet.

Best books for adult children of alcoholics (ACoAs)

Fact: You won’t be able to solve all the problems. Accept that.

The thing about being in a committed relationship is that you want to solve problems for the person you love. Hold your eagerness to advise. It’s not fun when a non-ACoA dishes out unsolicited advice in heaps. My past boyfriends grew up in healthier family systems so they couldn’t relate to mine. I struggled to explain why having a mother with a substance use disorder shaped who I am and how the effects of it will always be with me. While I have come so far in my healing journey, I am forever the daughter of an alcoholic and there will always be pain tied to that fact. Acknowledging – not ignoring – my past and my feelings today will always be important to my ability to continue healing and creating the life I want.

I once told a boyfriend about how I struggle with a particular boundary with my mother and how I wonder what life would have been like if Mom had recovered from addiction. He replied with a speech fit for a high school sports team after a tough loss. Just move forward and forget the past, he advised with sports analogies.

Related:

How to set healthy boundaries with your parents

He hoped to help, but all that conversation did was make me feel weak, misunderstood, and frustrated. I shut down, unlikely to ever share similar thoughts with him again

If you’re in a relationship with an adult child of an alcoholic, the best thing you can do is to keep showing them what a healthy relationship looks like by simply listening. If they open up about their past experiences growing up in a dysfunctional family, be understanding. Never minimize or downplay their feelings. What happened to them growing up in a house with addiction was so powerful, it programmed their brain to make them think and feel in certain ways. That’s all foreign to you unless you’re also an adult child of an alcoholic. Never act like you know how it feels. Consider replying like this:  

I am so sorry that happened to you. I can’t imagine how that must have felt, and I can’t begin to relate, but I am here for you whenever you want to share more about those memories and how you feel today.

2.      Your partner’s lack of satisfaction has nothing to do with you.

ACoAs struggle with satisfaction in every way, especially with themselves. If they get promoted at work, they’ll say it took too long. If they are a good parent, they’ll say how they could do better. If you tell them they are hot stuff, they’ll point out their flaws.

People who grew up with an alcoholic mother or father never had a predictable pattern of response from their parent. One moment, they were showered with affection and the next moment, they were ignored or dismissed. So, they grow up lacking confidence they’re good enough, and spend their grownup days seeking an elusive sense of satisfaction with themselves.

For those who love ACoAs, this lack of satisfaction may feel personal at times, and you may wonder why you can’t make them feel whole with the life you’ve built together. Know they love you, and accept their never-ending quest for satisfaction has nothing to do with you. As children, they constantly sought unconditional love that never came, and therefore, they cannot fully love themselves and allow themselves to feel good enough.

You can help someone combat perfectionism by frequently reassuring them they are fulfilling expectations for all their roles, and they are more than enough for you. Remember that their personal struggle with satisfaction is part of the ACoA Syndrome and don’t let it affect your confidence in the relationship or in yourself.

3.      ACoAs are still learning what’s normal.

Often scratch your head over something your spouse does or doesn’t? Remember, ACoAs grew up in unhealthy family systems and environments; what is normal to you is new and abnormal to us. As grownups, we are exposed to healthy ways of thinking and acting, and it takes time to adopt them and to understand what’s normal.

Let’s say you’re a foodie who loves to cook, but you’re dating someone who views cooking as a chore and would much rather grab take out than spend time cooking at home. This may seem very strange to someone who has wonderful memories of cooking with their families growing up. But if you were a child of an alcoholic, the kitchen may have been the warzone to avoid. Cooking may not have occurred, or if it did, the experiences could have been marred by abuse occurring during that busy time. Before jumping to conclusions about why your beau doesn’t want to do something, consider how their views on everything today are influenced by their past experiences, which are very different from yours.

When I was searching for my first house, my realtor was stunned when I said the kitchen had little meaning to me. She said, “It’s the heart of the home where families gather!” She explained most people focused most on the kitchen when buying a home. It was the least important thing for me. In that moment, I realized why I didn’t enjoy cooking, and why I was often quick to leave the kitchen. I have zero good memories of the kitchen when I was growing up because it was epicenter of my mother’s addiction storm. Naturally, as an adult, I was conditioned to avoid that room – and everything in it. Fortunately, now, I’m making good memories in the kitchen and reprogramming my brain.

4.      Give them recurring affirmations. We need it, even when we say we don’t.

ACoAs are tough. We rarely express what we need, and we are used to pretending everything is okay. We are highly unlikely to tell our significant others we are afraid they’ll cut and run, and we’re always a little on edge because we learned to bottle our emotions. Growing up, we were constantly let down with unreliable affection from our parent. When we needed our alcoholic mom or dad to be there for us, they often bailed so it’s natural we grow up and fear our partners will let us down, too.

Tell your partner you love them often, and all the ways they’re succeeding and show it through actions, too, because even when we say we don’t need the affirmations, we do. Deep down, we’re afraid we’ll lose your love, and all the good things in our lives…because that’s what happened to us before.

5.      Take good care of yourself. We are more likely to work on healing and self-care if you do, too.

Every human has issues and adult children of alcoholics are not the only ones who have healing to do. It’s the nature of being alive. If you get educated about your challenges, go to therapy, practice self-care and work on healing from your own issues, you’ll inspire the people around you including the adult child of an alcoholic you love. Talk about your issues and your healing process. Be vulnerable. Some ACoAs never learned proper self-care skills. Some are avoiding healing from the effects of their parent’s addiction. The healthier the people are around us, the more comfortable ACoAs are in their own healing journey.

There ya have it! My go-to ways to improve your relationship with your significant other who’s an adult child of an alcoholic. You know have the tools to get educated and help them overcome challenges related to matters of the heart! Start your education journey about adult children of alcoholics with more JodyLamb.com articles.