Did you grow up with an alcoholic mom or dad? Are you realizing your experiences as a kid are still affecting you today? Can you never shake that nagging feeling that you’re stuck and you need to heal from those experiences so you can move forward in your life? I see you, and I get it because I was there, too.
What if I told you that there are many lies you were taught as a kid that may still be with you today? And that breaking free, healing and creating the life you want begins with identifying those things you learned as a kid that are simply untrue?
Over my 12-year adult child of an alcoholic healing journey, I’ve discovered powerful lies that were instilled in me as a youngster that I held in my heart as truths when I grew up. These lies influenced how I lived and prevented me from healing. When I realized they were lies, I was then free to take the next steps in my journey to create the life I want. So, are you ready to discover the three lies children of alcoholics believe? Let’s dive in.
First, it’s important to note that believing these lies is completely normal. Children of mothers and fathers who are alcoholics grow up thinking and behaving in certain ways because children absorb everything in their environments. In other words, we are completely normal. Check out my list of the best books for children of alcoholics (ACoAs); these books explain the Adult Child of an Alcoholic Syndrome and why we ACoAs grow up believing many lies and then live our adult lives the way we do:
Lie #1: It’s your job to take care of other people.
Are you always the one everyone in your family and friend circle and at work run to for help? Do you find yourself always taking on other people’s problems, as if they are your own? Don’t you hate feeling like everything’s always on you to fix?
I get it because I was felt like that until about 10 years ago. I felt responsible for my parents, especially my mother, and all the problems that were tied to her substance use disorder. From age seven or so, I felt it was my duty as a daughter to clean up all the figurative and literal messes in my family’s life. I took on the role of parent for my parents because they were both ill from the effects of my mother’s addiction. I organized and cleaned the house. I reminded about bills, and apologized to everyone who witnessed or was affected by the destruction of my mother’s “drinking problem.” As I grew older, that sense of responsibility carried over into pretty much all my relationships. I couldn’t imagine being any other way. I had become a martyr, and it felt familiar and comfortable. I was needed and loved. But it was slowly killing me because I was so busy with other people’s problems and needs, there was no time or energy left over for me.
The lie that you are responsible for other people manifests itself into powerful codependency, my friends. Codependency gives you a strong sense of purpose. Even when you complain about being the responsible one in all your relationships, you continue doing things that are not your responsibility simply because you long for that sense of wholeness. Taking care of everyone and everything gives you an unhealthy warm and fuzzy feeling inside for a bit. But, in the end, you’re likely harming yourself and the people you’re supporting by continuing to believe all of that is your job.
The truth is that your only job in life is to take good care of yourself. That’s it. Of course, if you have children, you are responsible for them when they are young. 😊 But you are no good to anyone if you are failing to care for yourself. You are NOT responsible for your siblings, your parents, your spouse/partner, etc. You are responsible for just YOU.
This truth is difficult for children of alcoholics and those who grew up in other types of dysfunctional environments such as with narcissistic parents or those with mental health problems. Codependency is deeply embedded in us.
When you truly live by the truth that your job is to take good care of yourself, decision making is much easier. You must protect your time and energy and ask yourself hard questions about what you give your precious time and energy to. Before you agree to do or not do something, ask yourself, is this good for me? Of course, sometimes, it’s important to give to others. I’m talking about the above and beyond responsibilities stuff. We ACoAs are ridiculously great at taking on other people’s problems and responsibilities. So, stop that. Set boundaries and stick to them. It is not easy to say no to people who ask you for help, but it gets easier the more you do it.
Lie #2: It’s our fault when people we love get addicted.
Did you grow up thinking that you caused your parent to drink? They may have even told you that lie directly. Perhaps as an adult, you find yourself surrounded by other people who suffer from addiction and you wonder if it’s something you do or don’t do that leads people to become addicted.
Adult children of alcoholics tend to be magnets for people with substance use disorders. We are more likely to marry alcoholics, and we are known to blame ourselves for our loved ones’ problems and behavior.
The truth is you cannot cause, control or stop another’s person’s drinking or drug use. Addiction has nothing to do with you. It’s an extremely powerful, often fatal disease. Addiction alters a person’s brain, and it seems to afflict the most wonderful of people. It is not fair – and it’s extraordinarily sad.
I spent all my childhood and young adult years believing that I wasn’t good enough of a daughter to convince Mom to stop drinking and get help. I knew my mother loved me, but her unpredictable behavior was extremely confusing. I felt it was my personal responsibility to be a good daughter and do everything I could to “fix” her so that she and our family could finally live happily ever after. Unfortunately, I had no education about addiction and what was happening to our family. I repeatedly failed at that lifelong endeavor to fix her, and that made me feel like a failure as a daughter and a person. My self-worth plummeted, and it felt like all my fault that my mom, dad, sister and I continued to suffer through the effects of Mom’s addiction, especially as it worsened in my teen years. Fortunately, finally, I got educated about addiction, learned that I couldn’t control or cure my mother and the began my healing journey to create the life I want.
Lie #3: You’re destined to repeat your parent’s life because the cycle of addiction continues in families.
Are you always worried that you’ll end up like your parents? Do you fear you’ll get addicted or that you’ll always be knee deep in similar problems with money, relationships, careers, etc. Do you feel like you’re failing to live up to your potential and that the life you want is impossible? Maybe you feel you have too many issues and emotional baggage that you can’t create the life you want.
Well, I get that because that’s exactly how I felt. I regularly cried about it during my 20s. I lost all hope for my future. No one had any idea I was so depressed because adult children of alcoholics are great at pretending everything is A-okay. I’m going to type this next point in all caps because if we were together in person, I’d be loud about it.
YOUR DESTINY IS IN YOUR ADULT HANDS. REGARDLESS OF WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU AS A KID, YOU CAN AND WILL CREATE YOUR OWN, GREAT LIFE. YOU HAVE THE POWER TO HEAL FROM YOUR PAST EXPERIENCES AND STOP THE CYCLE.
Do not be one of those people who takes the crippling mindset that you were dealt a bad set of cards in life and that is that. NOPE. I stopped believing this lie when I met so many children of alcoholics who had it much worse than I did as a kid and then grew up and created amazing lives. The odds were high that they’d have the same lives as their parents, but they refused to let that happen. No matter what point you’re at in life, if you put in the time and effort to heal and grow, you can create the life you want.
And it begins with identifying the lies. Stop and think about the beliefs that you may be holding onto as truths that are actually lies. Question everything about your life, how you think and how you live. Remember that life can change in ways you cannot imagine today.
There you have it – the top three lies children of alcoholics still believe as adults.
Wishing you courage in your journey.
