How to set healthy boundaries with your parents

My parent is meddling in my life.

My parent is making me feel guilty constantly.

My parent is too involved in my life.

My parent is still relying on me for things they should do on their own.

If you’ve ever had any of these thoughts, you’re not alone. These days, it is common to struggle with a parent’s approval of your lifestyle, career, religious or other choices. Or, if you’re like me, you may struggle with detachment and feeling like it’s your job to take care of your parent. Fortunately, creating healthy boundaries with your parent is an effective way to mend or improve your relationship and it’s easier than you think. There are tried-and-true ways to set boundaries with your parent that will help you and your parent have a healthy relationship. For people who have an alcoholic or narcissistic parent or grow up in some other dysfunctional environment, healthy boundaries are extra complicated. But my tips for creating healthy boundaries with your parent are based on my own successful boundary-setting adventures with my mother who has a substance use disorder. If I can do it as an adult child of an alcoholic, you can, too. Are you ready to set healthy boundaries? Let’s do this!

First, recognize that your only job in life is to take good care of you. Then, identify the boundaries.

Embrace this fact to make boundary setting way easier. Question everything you do and the conversations you have with your parents. If something isn’t good for you, don’t do it. It’s as simple as that. I mean, if you must do a good job taking care of yourself, then it is important to protect your emotional well-being. Boundaries are necessary.

In case you need someone to remind you:

• You don’t have to listen to your parent’s rants
• You don’t have to participate in one-sided conversations with your parent
• You don’t have to be a stand-in for your parent’s therapist
• You don’t have to stand for your parent’s attacks on your lifestyle/career/relationships/political views
• You don’t have to be an on-demand delivery driver for your parent
• You don’t have to change plans because they need you to do something unexpectedly 
• You don’t have to engage in conversation with your parent on topics that make you uncomfortable
• You don’t have to loan your parent money because they’re not good at managing their finances
• You don’t have to earn your parent’s approval

1. Get used to saying no.

Are you always saying yes to whatever your parent wants you to do? Been there. I’m a recovering people pleaser, too! There was a time in my life in which I couldn’t have imagined saying no if my mother called up and needed me to do something. It felt like my job as her daughter to do whatever she asked. No matter what kind of impact the ask had on my life, I did it. Drop what I’m doing? Okay. Change my plans? Okay. Pay for this or that? Okay. At an early age, I had switched roles with my mother, as is often the case with the oldest adult child of an alcoholic. I’ve played the role of mother and my mother, the child. For adult children of alcoholics or narcissists, this is the normal we’ve always known.

The first few times I said no to my mother, it felt very strange. I hosted Thanksgiving Day dinner one year for our extended family. After I had already planned and communicated a dinner time to everyone and purchased all of the ingredients for the meal, my mother insisted that I change the dinner time to earlier in the day and that I make other dishes instead because…that’s what she preferred. I said, “No, this is what the plan is. It works best for me and I’m not changing it.” It seems ridiculous now that it took courage for me to stick to my plans, but this is how much control my mother had over everything. Another time, my mother called and said she needed to borrow something and needed me to drive it to her asap. I explained that I had other plans and was headed out the door for another obligation. My mother sighed and complained. It wasn’t easy saying no, but it was very freeing and every time I did, it got easier. Eventually, Mom began being more considerate of my plans and my life.

2. Know that boundaries often feel wrong. Stay committed to them anyway.

When you set and stick to a boundary, it may feel wrong, but it may be the right thing for you. The truth is healthy boundaries with your parent will improve your relationship with them by preventing resentment and bring you closer, even when it feels like it’s doing the opposite at first.

In 2014, after my father died unexpectedly, everything I knew about codependency and boundary setting flew out the window. I moved out of my apartment and into my mother’s house because I thought it was the right thing to do. My sister needed me, and, well, I thought if I didn’t, Mom would die. After three months, I realized that all it did was almost kill my sister and me. I made the most difficult decision of my life and moved my sister and and me out of the house. When I packed up the last boxes and pulled out of the driveway, I sobbed and continued sobbing for the next three days. It felt like I was abandoning a sick child to die. Imagine how painful that would be. It felt so wrong, but it turned out to be what may have saved Mom’s life. Without Dad and me, Mom had to be an adult for the first time in her life. Within a few weeks in our own space, my sister and I began thinking and living healthily. The fog lifted, and I realized that it was absolutely the right thing to do for all three of us. Often, the most difficult, painful, terrifying decisions are filled with a lot of unknowns; you can’t see the weight of the decision until it’s in the rear-view mirror.

3. Lead with love and explain to your parent why you’re setting the boundaries.

Communication is important to all relationships, including with your parents. Recognize what boundaries you need to set with them and communicate it. If conversations with your mother about who you’re dating or not dating leave you feeling like crap, let your mother know that’s a topic best abandoned for your well-being. If your father’s lectures about your career choices makes you feel misunderstood, let your father know that’s an off-limits topic and that’s best for your well-being. If you don’t want to attend your cousin’s wedding because you’d rather cheer on your best friend in the marathon she’s been training for, decline. If your parent protests, say your friend needs you that weekend and your friendship is very important to you. If your Mom is calling to borrow money again, tell her you can’t because you have your own financial well-being to maintain. 

Be prepared that your parent will feel hurt or angry when you begin setting these boundaries. Always lead with love. Explain that you love them, but you’re focused on taking good care of yourself. Self-care habits and boundaries are important to helping you achieve your goals.

How to start boundary setting conversations with this statement:

I love you, and our relationship is important to me. But I feel _________ when __________. I am focused on taking good care of me. So, we are/are not going to __________. I need to ______________.

Remember that boundary setting may take time so it’s important that you stick with it. One day, I told my mother told her that I love her, and I’d always be here for her but that I would no longer accept her calls at night when she’d been drinking because they upset so much. I explained that hearing her like that made me sick with worry and prevented me from being able to fall asleep and I needed to take good care of myself. She said I’m selfish, and that comment echoed in my mind for days. For adult children of alcoholics, when a boundary with a parent feels really wrong, it’s probably really right for you. After that conversation, Mom continue to call me every night for 20 days while she was drinking, and I did not answer. This was hard for me because every call I ignored, I feared she was in trouble, and the worry ruined my nights. She finally accepted the boundary, called only on Saturday mornings and our relationship dramatically improved. I set that boundary nearly seven years ago, and it remains in place.

There you go! You’ve learned how to set healthy boundaries with your parent with easy-to-follow steps that will have a big impact and make it easier for you to live the life you want. Remember, your only job in life is to take good care of you, and that includes protecting your emotional well-being. Boundaries are an important tool to help you do that.  

Wishing you serenity.

Note that I am not a therapist or behavioral health professional. I do not give advice. I’m sharing my personal stories as an adult child of an alcoholic in recovery in hopes that it is helpful for other people. Always consult with a behavioral health professional when you need help.