I adore you but what the heck?! Sometimes, you are so confusing!
If you’re an adult child of an alcoholic or if you grew up in a similar kind of dysfunctional environment, the odds are high that you’ve heard this statement a time or two from a friend, coworker or romantic partner.
People who grew up in a family with addiction share many common traits. We are quick to solve problems and be there for our friends, but we also have many traits that cause us our spouses, friends, coworkers, and others to scratch their heads.
Here are three things many adult children of alcoholics (ACoA) do that confuse those who care about us:
1. We’re insecure about the strength of our relationships.
ACoAs are always waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. You may be slow to open up and trust our friends and romantic partners. Maybe you’re suspicious of new members of a friend group. Maybe you’re jealous of the attention your romantic partner gives a friend. We know exactly why we worry about losing their love. When we were young people, life was chaotic and unpredictable. Alcoholic parents may have showered us with love and affection and the next day, treated us like garbage with little value. Naturally, without a pattern and lack of consistent, unconditional love, we lack confidence in our relationships.
2. We loathe accepting help, so we rarely do it.
My friend frequently asks me why I did not reach out for help with something. From yard work to a big life decision, I usually tackle it solo. My whole life, I handled everything myself, so it rarely occurs to me to reach out for help. Or, if I do consider asking for help, I dismiss the idea to avoid bothering people. Everyone’s busy, I tell myself.
At some point, my family and friends began pointing out my ridiculous resistance to accepting help and I realized that my resistance to their help was harming my relationships with them. By being solo on everything, I denied them the joy of giving. I am working on this.
3. We are never satisfied with ourselves, so we dismiss compliments.
In 2006, the Rolling Stones performed during the Super Bowl half time show. Along the tongue-shaped stage in Detroit, I sang and danced to their classic song, “(I Can’t Get No) Satisfaction.” I sang my heart out because, as I recall thinking, “This is my ACoA theme song!”
Adult children of alcoholics are known to quickly dismiss compliments and kudos because we are never satisfied with our performance. This is among the many reasons I am incredibly open with my friends and coworkers about my healing and how I grew up with an alcoholic mom. While I have come a long way, my ACoA traits show up from time to time. Understanding my background and my healing journey helps my circle of people understand me better. When we dismiss compliments from other people, we devalue their opinion. How rude!
If you are an adult child of an alcoholic who recently realized that your life today is affected by your experience and you have some healing to do to create the life you want, start on my new reader page.
Also, check out the best books for adult children of alcoholics:
I wish you the best on your journey. Keep taking good care of you!
