It’s Children of Addiction Week, a week-long effort to raise awareness around the impact of addiction on the family. I’m an adult child of an alcoholic, and there are five things children of alcoholics should know.
As a grownup, I’ve healed from tough times, reprogrammed my brain and am actively creating the life that little-kid me dreamed of years ago.
But wow, there are many things I wish i knew when I was growing up.
Here are five things children of alcoholics should know. Fellow adult child of an alcoholics, what would you add?
1. You are not alone.
Addiction is extremely common. About 1 in 4 kids live in a house where an adult has addiction. A quarter of the people you know at school, in sports, in your neighborhood, etc. are coping with the confusion, hurt, anger, sadness — all of the mixed feelings that come when someone is controlled by a substance.
Growing up, I knew my mother had a “drinking problem,” and I thought all the problems that came with that were unique to my family. I worked hard to keep it a secret because I was ashamed and certain that with my abundant determination and love, I would successfully make my mom stop drinking.
I felt very alone. Then I grew up and realized that about half of the kids I knew were going through the very same thing or much worse in their home.
2. Addiction is terrible, and it has nothing to do with you.
You can’t cause someone to drink alcohol or use a substance like a drug, no matter what that person may say. Addiction takes hold of a person’s brain and causes them to do and say things or not do or say things. In fact, addiction seems to take the very best people in a family — the kindest, smartest, funniest, sweetest. This is very sad.
Throughout my life, my mom’s behavior was very confusing. I looked for predictability. Sometimes, I was showered with love. Other times, I was neglected.
I thought I affected my mother’s drinking because I wasn’t enough. I was not well behaved enough, I didn’t make her heart whole enough, I didn’t make her happy enough.
Then I grew up and learned about addiction. I realized that my mother’s drinking had absolutely nothing to do with me. That realization felt like a zillion pounds were lifted from my shoulders.
Once I understood addiction, I understood my mother in a way I never could have imagined. I could let go and forgive my alcoholic mother and my codependent father who coped with all of it in the only ways he knew.
3. You can only control you.
For the first 26 years of my life, I felt it was my job, as the eldest daughter to get my mom to stop drinking. I had no education about substance use disorders, also known as addiction. I did everything I could think to do. I went looking for hidden bottles of alcohol and poured them out. I cleaned the house. I reminded about important things. I cleaned up messes. I practically raised my little sister. I was a mini adult at a very young age.
I got on my knees and begged Mom through tears. I wrote long letters. I got mad at broken promises and didn’t speak to her for days. Year after year, I did the same thing over and over, hoping for a different result that never came.
Then I finally realized that you cannot control anyone but yourself. You can always offer support and help but if someone does not want it, that’s their decision and there’s nothing you can do to make them accept your love, support and help.
4. You are normal.
The way your brain works and everything that you feel inside is completely normal.
My whole life, I’ve had extreme anxiety. I took worry to quite a level. I predicated problems that didn’t exist and created what-if scenarios — along with the plans A, B and C I would take to solve them.
I felt ashamed. I felt not good enough because I’d failed to save Mom from addiction.
I felt not normal.
Then I realized I had a 100-percent normal reaction to the world I’d known and that all the feelings/challenges I had are very, very common.
In fact, I’ve never met a fellow adult child of an alcoholic who doesn’t share most of the same traits as me.
The good news is that you can heal and teach your brain to think and react differently so that you can create the life you want.
5. Your only job in life is to take good care of you.
That’s it. Your job is to make sure you are safe, healthy and happy and that you have serenity. Your job is not to take care of your parents, your brothers and sisters, your grandparents, your friends.
As the eldest adult child of an alcoholic in our family, I took care of everyone but myself. This went on for 26 years until one day, I realized that I’d become quite sick.
In order to do your only job, you must be brave and ask for help sometimes. In order to take good care of you, sometimes you have to make decisions that feel very wrong, but you realize later that they were the right thing to do for you.
Keep reminding yourself of your only job and it will set you on the healthy path to the life you deserve.
When you go on an airplane, the crew explains that if there is an emergency, you have to put your oxygen mask on your face before you try to help other people.
The reason is that if you try to help someone else first, you won’t make it. You’re no good to anyone if you’re not healthy and safe yourself.
The most important thing to do know
You’re going to have an amazing life. Hold onto hope. It’s extremely powerful.
Help for children of addiction
If you have a parent or other loved one who drinks too much or uses a substance, and it affects you, there are resources on this website, JodyLamb.com.
I too grew up with an alcoholic Mother. She died of excessive ethanol abuse at 66. I left home at 18 to escape her and for fear of following in her footsteps.