Seven ways to survive Thanksgiving with your dysfunctional family

Who’s ready for pumpkin pies? Green bean casserole? Giant Clifford the Big Red Dog floating between skyscrapers? I am! Thanksgiving Day will be here soon.  

For the gratitude and celebration of freedom that this special day inspires throughout our country, I am a fan. But for my fellow adult children of alcoholics and anyone who comes from dysfunctional families, this holiday may bring about all the feels.

Fortunately, I am thrilled to share that I may, actually, sort of, kinda, be looking forward to Thanksgiving this year.

I used to D.R.E.A.D. this holiday. This because my mother’s drinking always ruined it. Then there were complicated dynamics when my mother’s substance use disorder worsened when I was a teenager. That’s when my mother and father stopped attending holiday gatherings on both sides of my parents’ families.

This left me feeling highly responsible to represent the family because tradition, you know? Because my grandmas wanted to see us, you know? So, on the holidays, I drove my sister and me to our family celebration for my father’s side of the family and then across southeast Michigan to the get together for my mother’s side of the family. Lots of driving. Lots of energy. Lots of pretending everything was okay. Lots of pretending I was okay. Lots of coming home then to extreme dysfunction on Thanksgiving night.

Thanksgiving is uniquely stressful. Hours of dedicated time with your family, usually many people who may not see each other often and smooshed together. Lots of memories and wounds and relationships you’d call “complicated.”

For you, I have seven ways to survive Thanksgiving with your dysfunctional family.

1.      Picture yourself having a good time.

The law of attraction is real, my friends. Imagine yourself unbothered by commentary and opinions. Be positive and you will manifest better experiences. Do not replay the bad memories from past Thanksgivings in your mind. You will tell the universe, Give me more of that again this year!

2.      Focus on the “fun” in dysfunctional.

In every dysfunctional situation, there’s something fun. Recognize that dysfunction in family systems is as common as turkey on Thanksgiving. Your ultra-competitive brother may be a little too into winning foosball. Another character in the TV show called [insert your family name]. Let the annoyance go and laugh at the ridiculousness.

3.      Avoid the emotional traps by not engaging.  

Odds are, you have some family members who intentionally or unintentionally make you feel like crap about yourself and the way you think and live. When those comments come, don’t engage in the conversation.

If your mother ALWAYS critiques your outfit, ignore. If your uncle asks you why you don’t have a boyfriend for the gazillionth time, answer politely that you’re living the life you love and walk away. You don’t have to have long conversations with your family’s Debbie Downer, opinionated political guru or judge-y perfectionist. Spend the most time with the people who make you feel good.

4.      Take breaks.

Sometimes, you just need a minute. Now that I am regularly hosting Thanksgiving, I take 10-minute walks with my dog every 90 minutes or so. Everyone just thinks I’m being the dog person I am. Take a walk and call a friend. Sit on the porch. Find a quiet corner.

5.      Set boundaries.

Thanksgiving is the official start of the magical holiday season so it’s enveloped in expectations of merriment and togetherness all tied to traditions. If you need permission to opt out, here’s your permission: YOUR ONLY JOB IN LIFE IS TO TAKE GOOD CARE OF YOU SO DO NOT NEED TO PARTICIPATE IN ALL TRADITIONS.

Remember, if it feels wrong to skip it, it’s probably the right thing to do for you.

If you know your alcoholic parent is going to be drunk and you’d rather not relive that experience or abuse, stay at a hotel, instead of your parents’ home.

I will not shop on Black Friday. Nope. I refuse, even though I have people in my life who’ve made it a tradition to rise at the crack of dawn and shop all day. While I enjoy being with those people, my loathing of crowded malls and long lines overpowers it.

6.      Create new traditions.

Thanksgiving lives on with its old traditions until you decide to create new ones. Go see that old friend who’s in town for the holiday. Leave dinner before dessert so that you can go home and put on your comfiest pants and watch a movie or read a book.  

The more things tied to Thanksgiving that you can look forward to, the better the overall Thanksgiving experience will be for you.

7.      Remember that you can control only one person: YOU.

When you feel all the feelings rushing back and salt flinging at your old wounds, remember that you can’t control anyone but yourself. Remind yourself about how far you’ve come in being you. Living and thinking differently from your family is okay. In fact, look around. It’s probably a good thing.

Though social media is exploding with photos and videos of people who are all smiles as they make fancy stuffing and truffles from scratch, that this holiday is, by historical roots, dysfunctional!

The first Thanksgiving feast was with Native Americans and pilgrims over a three-day period. For sure, that feast was awkward and required patience and diplomacy.

I wish you a great, healthy Thanksgiving. I am grateful for you.