Letting go of the need to control
I want to control the world. My whole world.
Everything in it.
But the reality there is very little I can control.
I can’t control the cars on the highway around me. I can’t control the weather. I can’t control people.
I can’t control my mother’s addiction.
Yet I burn for control. This is because my whole life, I latched onto every piece of my life that I could control because everything else around me was swirling out of control. I was in constant pursuit of controlling it.
I know from education that this intense need for control is totally normal – a common trait of the adult child of an alcoholic.
When I have accepted something as my responsibility, I have a deep sense of duty tied to it. When someone does something that hinders my ability to fulfil my duty with full control, it is extremely distressing.
In my career, I am a professional communicator. When people are delayed, when plans change, when priorities change, when a wrench appears in my carefully applied, controlled plans, it drives me crazy.
I have a physical reaction to it.
It’s me attempting to control my entire world – to prevent that thing from happening two steps from now that is going to make me feel that I don’t have control of the situation, of the project. It is me trying to save someone from something and preventing them from learning and growing.
So while I am feeling disappointed or annoyed with someone, I’m still accepting the martyr role. I am enabling them. I am still avoiding conflict. I am doing more than I should. I am holding those feelings inside. Silent to everyone but my internal thoughts.
This happens in my personal life. With my family changes plans. When there are surprises.
Here are the 3 ways I’ve been working on letting go of the need for control:
- Pausing when something happens and asking myself, can I control this/should I control this?
Nope? Let it go.
- Getting the heck out of own self-created comfort zone.
My comfort zone is all comfy and familiar and so very controlled and boring. That’s why I am doing something new every day.
http://www.jodylamb.com/2018/05/do-something-new-every-day-35-day-challenge/
- Learning how to react differently when something is out of my control.
I am working on better managing stress and anxiety by keeping up with self-care activities and learning new ways (such as meditation and yoga) to react to what I cannot control.
I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it. And so it is with you… we are in charge of our Attitudes.”
― Charles R. Swindoll
