The more time I spend with grownups, the more I realize how common it is to feel trapped in current life circumstances.
People feel trapped in jobs and careers they do not enjoy.
People feel trapped in friendships, relationships and marriages. They feel trapped in responsibilities and roles.
They wake up with dread. They lay in bed with sleeplessness due to worry.
Do you?
Adult children of alcoholics like me say they feel very trapped as caregivers in their families. I’ve been hearing from many ACoAs recently. Like me, they feel completely responsible for their parent who has a substance use disorder and/or their family members who are affected by it. They recognize that they are not living healthily but they feel they are trapped with no way out.
My entire life, I have struggled with feeling trapped. When I was growing up, I felt the constant weight of being more of an adult than a kid due to the chaotic effects of my mother’s alcoholism. I was always feeling trapped in a life that was out of my control, even though I tried so hard to gain control of it. I believed that if I could finally convince Mom to stop drinking, then I could be free.
This feeling of being trapped in a life I didn’t control worsened as I grew up and took on more adult responsibilities. In fact, I STILL struggle with that feeling of being trapped.
There are three things I do when I have that familiar sense of entrapment and that I don’t have control of my own life:
1. Focus on self-care.
Whenever I feel trapped in some aspect of my life, it’s no coincidence that my self-care has taken an extreme hit. I am usually not getting enough sleep. SLEEP IS SO IMPORTANT. Just last week, I averaged 5 hours/night. As a result, I felt quite stressed at work and that entrapment feeling arrived on cue. I’m also usually not drinking enough water, skipping meals or eating garbage food. I am also not giving enough time to what I love to do. When this happens, I cannot think clearly and therefore, do not have good decision-making abilities.
When I am giving time and staying committed to taking good care of me, then I am much better able to take steps to stop feeling trapped.
2. Recognize what exactly needs to change in my life.
Sometimes, I am too immersed in my own chaos to see clearly what exactly is causing me to feel trapped. That’s why listening to other people’s stories of recovery and healing are important. Through their stories, I can identify the areas of my life that need attention. This is through books, blogs and podcasts of people who inspire me. This is also through Al-Anon meetings. Sometimes, my friends also help but it’s important to know that people in your inner circle may be too close to the life circumstances or have the same kind of brain programming as you (i.e. codependency) so they’re not always greatest help.
3. Create an action plan to change it.
When I graduated from college and began working fulltime while also raising my little sister and keeping the everything in my family running, that’s when the feeling of entrapment reached a whole new level.
I was also spending a lot of time immersed in my career. I have had many exceptionally demanding, high-stress jobs. During the economic recession, my job was terribly stressful. I felt I couldn’t leave it because jobs were getting cut left and right. During that time, Mom’s alcoholism was at its worst.
I was struggling to minimize the effects of that on my sister. It was an awful period of my life. I felt completely trapped. As a result, at 26, I hit rock bottom. I was so depressed; I dreaded the future, as I felt it would never be different. It was all on me. I felt I didn’t even want to go on anymore but too many people depended on me, so I had to find a way to shed that feeling of misery.
I created a detailed list of things I could do to get rid of that terrible feeling. I enrolled in a creative writing course at the local community college and joined writer’s groups and met people who inspired and encouraged me. Giving time to the pastime I’d loved my whole life brought me more joy than I can describe in words. Most importantly, I got educated about addiction, admitted that I am an adult child of an alcoholic and was deeply affected by mother’s substance use disorder and started my healing journey to create an awesome grownup life.
For me, as an adult child of an alcoholic, feeling trapped is very familiar – almost comforting. Taking steps to stop feeling trapped requires effort and commitment.
But since my only job in life is to take good care of me, then I need to do it. Serenity is worth it.
I hope you are well in your journey.
Jody Lamb is an author, blogger and adult child of an alcoholic on a journey to create an awesome grownup life. Visit JodyLamb.com. Twitter and Instagram: @JodyMLamb. YouTube: /JodyLamb. Facebook.com/JodyLambAuthor.
