People often ask me how to help someone who has an alcoholic parent or spouse.
Disclaimer: I do not give advice. I am not a therapist, counselor, coach, attorney, social worker, mental health professional or medical professional nor do I claim to be.
But I do share about my personal experiences and what I’ve learned as an adult child of an alcoholic. Recently, I’ve been receiving this question from people around the world so I offer this:
Never underestimate the power of friendship in helping someone who has a parent or spouse or some other loved one with substance use disorder.
The people who helped me during the most difficult times coping with the fallout from my mother’s alcoholism did one powerful thing for me: They were trusted listeners.
When I was a young teenager, I became very close with my grandmother on my dad’s side. While we never spoke about my mother’s substance use disorder, I realize now that my grandmother knew how important it was to encourage me, support me, listen to me and ensure I knew how much she loved me.
My grandmother became one of my dearest friends. She is one of the primary reasons I didn’t go down the sad path that my mother did.
On the second day of high school, when I was 14, I met another girl who shared the same sense of humor as me. We were quickly best friends. We laughed together until our stomach muscles burned. We did everything together. We obsessed over Dawson’s Creek and talked about the grownup lives we would have one day.
I had spent my entire life hiding my mother’s alcoholism from the world. No one besides my dad knew about the chaos and destruction that results from Mom’s drinking. For two years, I also hid this secret from my best friend.
Then one night, when we were 16, I FINALLY felt comfortable enough to tell her that my mom is an alcoholic. She had shared about some family problems and she took comfort in my listening and my words that that was some f-ed up shit. Like me, she felt pain. She gave me confidence that I could share my secret with her.
I detailed Mom’s drunken rants until the wee hours of the morning and the neglect and emotional abuse my father, sister and I had experienced my whole life. I told her about the constant worry and anxiety I felt and how hard I’d tried to save my mom. As tears showered my face, my friend cried, too. She was shocked. And I felt like a ton of bricks were lifted from my shoulders.
Two years. That’s how thick that wall I’d built really was.
She told me to call her anytime. And I did. We swapped stories of dysfunction in our families and we took comfort in each other’s supportive, angst-y reaction. Most of all, I appreciated reassurance that my confusion, sadness and anger tied to what was happening in my family was exactly how my best friend would feel, too, if she were in my shoes.
I’m pretty sure she told her family my secret. They were always so welcoming to me for sleepovers. They invited me to dinners and even trips.
I remember one time when I was 17 or so, I had the flu. I had a very high fever and was so dizzy and weak, I feared that if I stood up, I would faint.
From my bed, I called downstairs, “Mom, I’m really sick. Can you please help me?”
I knew I needed to hydrate.
I can’t remember if Mom was drunk or if she was in Dry Alcoholic Mom mode, which was sometimes worse. Dry Alcoholic Mom appeared when she was extremely hungover, when she didn’t have access to alcohol (i.e. Dad hid her car keys) or when she was attempting not to drink due to a terrible drunk fest that resulted in Dad or I pleaded with her to stop drinking.
Either way, her terse response was, “Don’t be a baby.” Then she ranted about something trivial like my school books and cross-country running gear being left out in the living room.
At some point, I literally crawled down the stairs to get a glass of water.
I remember calling my best friend, just for some comfort.
“You’ll feel better tomorrow!” she said. “I’ll say a prayer.”
A substance use disorder crippled my mother’s ability to be the mother she wanted to be and we needed her to be.
There’s no way she knew how much I needed my mother’s voice on the other end of the line but it was powerful. And she helped me just by being a friend. No one around me back then was knowledgeable about alcoholism or addiction and its effects on families. Same for in my twenties.
Sometimes having a friend listen to my problems – another human being who is removed from the situation to look at everything with objective eyes – can be very powerful.
I will never forget when my co-worker who became a dear friend, forced me to go to lunch with her shortly after my dad died. Her wtf-is-wrong-with-you question woke me up and as a result, I made a critical decision to move my sister out of the house. It was one of the best – and albeit hardest things – I’ve ever done.
So being a listener, being a friend can be more powerful and helpful than you may realize.
Also, education is very powerful. Let’s talk about the person you are worried about – who is experiencing the pain of having a loved who is an alcoholic. He or she may not be ready to get educated about being an adult child of an alcoholic or addiction. But you can. Knowledge is powerful. Read the books. Get educated. It will shape how you respond. It will shape the friend you are.
Encourage the person to get educated.
The more educated I’ve become, the more people in my people I’ve helped.
Take good care of you.
Just so you know, those tips help the substance addict too. Your mom may not know which daughter she gets on any given day: the judgmental, rejecting one, or the one who tries to love her unconditionally and support her as much as she can. Everybody needs to treat others as they would like to be treated.
Thanks, A. I appreciate your perspective. When I was a teenager and young adult, I had zero education about addiction. I wish I’d known so I could have understood what my mom was going through and that it had nothing to do with me. Because I was so hurt and sad that she couldn’t stop “for her daughter,” I was judgmental and rejecting. I was angry and hurt by her actions and broken promises. But since I got educated, my mom knows how much I love and support her. I forgave her for all of the negative impact her disorder had me and I apologized for how I viewed the situation before I really understood any of it. Though I will always be saddened that she hasn’t accepted help, the love is unconditional and she knows that.
I agree with you that “Never underestimate the power of friendship in helping someone who has a parent or spouse or some other loved one with substance use disorder.”
Lots of addicts want to overcome the addiction but they don’t know how to do and very few people support them. I have seen lots of them went to FB groups to get the inspiring quotes and post their progress to support each other.
Hi Jodi
I wonder if you could help me. A friend of mine recently (and bravely) admitted to me that her mom too has been struggling with alcohol for a few years now. She says there are days or even weeks that her mom is okay but then she eventually relapses hard, as I guess it happens, and my friend keeps getting upset by the minute because her mom won’t accept that she has a problem and even thinks that she’s being mean and rude to her by even suggesting that she does.
Her mom is a homemaker but my friend says that many times she even neglects her actual mom responsibilities to her and her younger siblings and I’m afraid that they have developed or are developing a codependent relationship with her on which practically they’ve all put their lives on hold to take care of her (Especially my friend) and one of them has even actually been physically affected from all the stress that he keeps having over this situation.
And my friend hasn’t told this to anyone else in her family, not even her dad (And I’m guessing not many friends either), and she says that she wants to keep it that way and to just wait things out… keep trying to help her mom see reason until (if) she eventually does and finally decides to get help. I’m telling you, Jody, because clearly you seem to know about this stuff and because you are a random person on the internet, but also because of the guts it took her to tell me in the first place I feel like I would be betraying her trust by telling anyone else… And of course, it’s not like I feel the need to tell anyone (Like, for gossip purposes) but it’s hard just to sit around and do nothing because I am worried of the way I’ve noticed this has been consuming my friend and her siblings’ lives all this time and I’m particularly concerned because she mentioned that there been a time that her mom actually did put the youngest one in danger (DWI)
But of course, I don’t know or have a way of actually knowing if the problem is less or worse that she led on, but she’s one of my best friends in the world and I love her very much so obviously I am very concerned about her wellbeing and her siblings’. What do you think it would be the best way for me to show support in this situation as a friend?
You’re a good friend. When I was 16, I told my best friend about my mother’s drinking problem. It felt like a million pounds had been lifted from my shoulders. She listened – and she shared about her own issues at home. It was such a relief for me because I’d spent my whole life covering it all up. From that point on, I had someone who got it. Someone who understood. Her family often invited me over for dinner and to join them when they went out to eat. It was such a relief for me to be away from my environment. She helped me more than she ever knew just by being there to listen to the reality TV recaps. She encouraged me to share more about what was going on at home with my grandma and my aunt. I did – and they provided more support. Years later, when my father had passed away, I fell back into my distraught, codependent ways with my mom. A friend made me go out to lunch with her and she listened as I detailed the chaos and destruction of my mother’s addiction. And then, she gave me a huge dose of tough love. She said, “What is wrong with you??!!” She shared her outside perspective about everything. It was tough to hear. I cried into my gyro sandwich and the people at the table next to us were uncomfortable. But I listened and I realized that she was completely right. After that, I got my sister and me out of that environment. I wouldn’t have listened to anyone else. I wouldn’t have realized it on my own because I was so ill. Sometimes listening can be more powerful than anything. I do wish someone had also encouraged me to read books about addiction. I would have understood everything that was happening much better. Best wishes to you.
You have to be a really good psychologist to treat an alcoholic closed one by yourself (at least in the beginning). E.g. you cannot blame or shame them – the consequences might be catastrophic
Helping someone with this issue is hard. And even more if hee´s a close friend or a relative.
An alcoholic will stop drinking when they want to… not when people tell them to stop. And we, as relatives have to understand this. And deal with it.
But we can´t let an alcoholic affect us either. If their alcoholism affects our lives… We have to stay far from them…. It´s better for everyone
Don´t you think so?
This is true. Substance use disorders require professional attention.
Well stated! Tough love is often the best love. Best wishes to you, too!
The greatest gift a friend can give is to listen, never judge and always be there for them. I often discovered my own next step by simply speaking aloud about what was happening in my life.
My son it’s a alcoholic has finally went for rehabilitation. His wife talks to all of her friends and family on the phone in front of their 5 year old daughter. Now Mom is upset because the 5 year old told her friend that daddy drinks beer and he went to get fixed. I told her she needs to share that to she hears you tell every one but you tell her she can’t. Mom is afraid to send her to school because Mom is so embarrassed. Any suggestions how to handle this.
Alcoholism in the family is a terrible thing. I know that very well. We struggled with it for many years until my dear friend recommended the guide by Ellen Petersen. So I would add one mote book here which I got here – https://www.net-boss.org/shop/how-to-help-an-alcoholic-you-love . Excellent approach, which turned out to be a godsend!
Martha, Ellen Petersen’s guide changed my life and gave me the opportunity to change this terrible situation although it seemed impossible. Thank you for sharing the link. I hope it’ll help others too
Similar to your experience, no one also knew that I experience neglect and emotional abuse from both of my parents. I was the result of an unplanned pregnancy and they just both aren’t ready to look after a daughter. Now that I’m older, I feel like the trauma is still embedded in my head, so I hope to find accessible counseling services that can help.