Growing up with an alcoholic parent
I was one of billions of kids who grew up with an alcoholic parent.
My mother and father were extraordinarily kind-hearted, compassionate people. But my mother, who had a traumatic childhood, was an alcoholic before I was born. I love my mother deeply. She is a wonderful person. Every day, I wish I could do something to take away the hundreds of pounds of sadness she carries every day. But the effects of her alcoholism affected my sister and me terribly.
I was born in 1982 and grew up in Dearborn, Michigan. The first 10 years or so of my life, I don’t remember my father being home very much. He worked in the evenings, mostly, and this left me with my mom as the primary parent.
My mother drank at night and into the early morning hours several times a week.
I was four or five years old in my earliest memories. I clearly remember sitting by myself on a Saturday. I watched hours of cartoons by myself and when they were over, I sat playing by myself for hours. I was hungry but my mom was still asleep. I think she didn’t wake until well into the afternoon. I remember watching the kid across the street playing. I wished that my mom would wake up so I could go outside, too. When one of the kids saw me in the window, he waved. I was so humiliated, I dropped down to the floor. I wondered if he knew how much I wanted to go outside and I wondered if he thought it was weird that my mom and I were never outside, especially on such a beautiful day. I was only 4 or 5, yet I already recognized that Mom’s behavior didn’t match that of other families.
Around that same age, I remember apple juice being my favorite drink. One day, I asked my mom why her apple juice always had foam on top of it. It took a few years after that to make the connection between my mom’s dramatic mood changes and her consuming the foamy apple juice. After a while, she drank directly from beer cans. She hid these cans and bottles all over the house.
By 8 or 9 years old, I regularly went looking through the closets and cabinets and poured out the beer and returned the empty cans and bottles to their spots. I also often organized the cabinets and closets because it made me feel there was kind of order to the house, even though my mom’s behavior made everything unpredictable, chaotic and messy.
I went to a small Catholic school about a 15-minute drive away from our house. We lived too far from the busing system limits so my mom had to drive me every morning. Sometimes – quite often, actually – she wouldn’t get out of bed. I got up myself, made my own breakfast, got ready and prayed she’d get out of bed. Sometimes, I’d have to plead and beg her to get out of bed for 20 minutes. By the time I made it to school, I’d be crying. I’d make it to the school as the last bell rang or minutes too late. I felt ashamed about my tardiness and hated the attention on me as I entered the classroom after my classmates were already seated. I’d be stressed, exhausted and nauseous before the day even began. The teachers at the school had zero clue. In fact, I was probably the last student they’d suspect to be dealing with an alcoholic parent at home. I was always super well behaved and got good grades. In the fifth grade, my teacher said, “Jody, you are so lucky to have a perfect mother.”
My mother was a good mother…when she wasn’t drinking.
I knew my mother’s behavior due to drinking wasn’t good. I knew her health was at risk and I knew the way she screamed at me and my dad and stumbled around wasn’t good. But like most kids of alcoholics, I was used to it and as a mini adult, I was really good at hiding any evidence of trouble at home. I saw my cousins often but besides that, we lived a very isolated life. When family and people at school saw us, everything seemed fine. My mother and father’s family knew she drank but I don’t think they really had any idea that it kept me up at night, that I was neglected in so many ways, that I went to school without enough sleep and that I was constantly – and I mean constantly – worried. I worried her cigarettes would burn the house down because she dropped burning cigarettes on the couch, the car, everywhere and she left stuff cooking on the stove and passed out and didn’t even wake up to the smoke detectors going off. Worse, I was perpetually confused by my mother’s behavior. One minute she was showering me with compliments, the next minute she was screaming, swearing and throwing things at me. I felt I couldn’t do anything right and that I was never good enough. Now, I knew my mother loved me but on some level, I felt I caused her drinking.
In every way, it was the family secret. To some degree, I don’t think my dad even knew in those early years, how much my mother’s drinking affected me but we had conversations about it. He called it a Jekyll and Hyde situation. If you met my mother, you’d only see an extremely sweet and kind person. This is the person she truly is. However, when she drinks, she becomes an entirely different person – completely unrecognizable. She transforms into a loud, angry, aggressive, violent, abusive and destructive person. My mother would scream at the top of her lungs about ridiculous things or things that had nothing to do with me or my dad. She’d throw things across the room. She’d hit my father. She’d take off for hours or a day. I’d fear she was dead. She’d drive drunk. I’d fear that she’d kill someone. And most memorable, she’d say the cruelest, hurtful things. As a young person, it was impossible to separate those mean words from the kind words she spoke when sober. The hurtful words were far more impactful. She doesn’t mean what she says when she’s drunk, my dad would explain. But that didn’t matter. The words echoed in my mind and scarred me.
Usually, my mom woke up the next day, all sweet acting, as if nothing happened. Sometimes it was easier to pretend the drunken behavior didn’t happen. Other times, I was so hurt and angry such as when she’d disappear for hours, I couldn’t even speak to her. Many times, she didn’t even remember what happened and definitely didn’t remember the things she said. Average days were nightmares. I also have horrible memories of ruined holidays and family weddings. I have zero good birthday memories.
But I was really, really good at covering up the messes – figuratively and literally. I tried to be a perfect kid. On some level, I think I thought my mom drank because of me and maybe if I could just be better, she wouldn’t have any reason to drink. Or, that if she really loved me, that would be enough to make her stop drinking. Through tears, I begged and pleaded that she stop drinking. She probably promised that she’d never drink again about 1,000 times throughout my childhood. I also wrote lengthy, heartfelt letters and slipped them under her bedroom door. She’d throw them away without a response.
I was sure that I could “fix” her if only I tried a little harder.
I had the same conversations about it with my dad over and over. He’d acknowledge the problems but then offer no solutions. He believed she’d just get better – that it was a rough patch. He always say, “Things have a way of working out.”
But she didn’t get better. She got worse. My late father, wonderful man he was, was totally trapped by codependency and paralyzed with fear that Mom would die if they divorced or some other action was taken. In fact, he told this to my sister and me on several occasions. He just always acted like it would get better on its own. He didn’t see clearly that my mother’s alcoholism was destroying all of our lives and that allowing life to go on the way it was actually enabling my mother’s alcoholism to go on and worsen. My dear father was a talented athlete and coach who had a positive impact on thousands of lives throughout his life. But he was made ill by alcoholism in our house. He simply tried to be the best dad and husband he knew how to be. But not a day goes by that I don’t wish he would have gone to Al-Anon meetings, gotten educated about what the hell was going on with his wife and taken action that would have pushed Mom to hit rock bottom and perhaps then, at the prospect of losing her life, finally get help. Maybe my father would be alive today if he had.
It was a lonely childhood. I always wanted brothers and sisters. My mom had a few miscarriages. Every time she lost a baby, I cried. I wanted a sibling to experience life with; I may have hoped another child would give Mom purpose and happiness in the way I could not.
I was 14 when my sister, Brooke, was born.
Though I was a bit old to care about having a sibling at that point, I felt blessed to have her in my life. Complications during delivery almost killed Mom and Brooke.
I was the first person to hold Brooke, which I always think completely foreshadowed my role in her life.
Uh, hold the comments on 14-year-old me’s style…
My sister’s arrival did not snap Mom out of her drinking problem, though she drank less in my sister’s toddler years than she had before the pregnancy. Still, I could never have friends over to visit at the house. I have horrible memories from high school when friends dropped by unannounced and my mother’s drunken, aggressive and abusive behavior humiliated me. Another dominant memory is when I invited my first serious boyfriend over to the house and begged my mom not to drink and she promised that she wouldn’t. Of course, she got drunk and the evening ended with me humiliated and fighting back tears and a very uncomfortable boyfriend who departed early.
In those teen years, I was completely obsessed with my mom’s drinking.
Every day, I searched the house for her hidden bottles and cans and poured them out – which of course, only completely perpetuated the problem because she just then went out to the store and bought replacement supplies. I could determine, with spot-on accuracy, how many beers she’d consumed just by looking at her face or hearing her speak one or words. I could also predict if she planned on drinking that night or not. If she had supplies, she’d act happy, even giddy, that day. I’d get instantly sick to my stomach. If she couldn’t drink for some reason, she’d be terribly irritable – snapping at me over trivial matters, even becoming as evil tongued as she did while drunk.
During those teen years, I grew closer with my father. He was super supportive and encouraging about my cross-country and track running and involvement in school extracurricular activities. I began to understand him better. In the process, I began to resent my mother for what I perceived as a conscious decision not to get better. I believed she didn’t care enough about her family to get help. I was angry at her but I went off to college with a pit in my stomach. I worried about the well-being of my sister, though my dad assured me things would be OK and insisted that I would regret not focusing on myself for once.
After years of being the perfect, rule-following kid, I went a bit wild and did the common party thing in college. I liked the way alcohol erased my insecurities. By my second year, I recognized my relationship with alcohol was mirroring that of my mom and alcohol. I started feeling like I needed to drink in order to go to social events where I didn’t know many people. I felt I wasn’t drinking socially anymore; I was totally emotionally dependent on alcohol for a sense of confidence. I felt I was standing atop a very slippery slope. After that year, I stopped drinking heavily and focused my efforts on my education and building a foundation for a career.
That’s when I discovered that things were not good for my sister. My dad was working at night a lot again. My sister was being neglected by our mother and endangered. Mom would lock herself in her room for two days, leaving Brooke to care for herself. I spent my senior year of college basically commuting back and forth from class and work to home. My sister needed me. That year, I even sometimes brought Brooke to stay for the weekend at my college apartment. When a Big 10 college apartment is safer for a seven-year-old girl than her home, the home is an extreme problem. My father’s family urged my father to take action to get me and my sister out of the situation. He recognized the worsening problems but he was so trapped by a mix of denial, codependency and laidback, everything-will-work-out personality that prevented him from believing he had the ability to make things better. He really believed that Mom was a hopeless cause and that if he left her, she’d die.
After graduation, I took a full-time job. I considered trying to get custody of my sister but I had only just graduated from college and I feared “the system” would place her elsewhere because I was so young. Also, I didn’t want to hurt my dad. So, I split my time between work and being the stable person my sister needed. After a few years, I moved out of my apartment and back home. We all lived together in chaos again for about five years. But even after I moved out again, I still spent nearly all of my free time with Brooke and at school and sport events. I was the primary parent for my sister…and my parents. Complete role swapping. I cleaned the house. I reminded my dad about bills. I helped with the science projects. Mom continued to worsen with DUIs and run ins with the police. Though I knew the police officers had good intentions and had perhaps seen far worse situations, I was always blanketed in extreme shame when they gave me those looks of pity.
At 26, I was exhausted and depressed – like I didn’t want to go on anymore yet I felt I had to. There were so many people depending on me. That’s when I finally got educated about alcoholism and addiction and its impact on kids and families. I better understood my mother and her disease. I let go of a lot of expectations. I learned about the effects of growing up as a child of an alcoholic. I discovered that many things I felt – extreme anxiety, low self-confidence, problems trusting people, lack of satisfaction with anything – were directly tied to the destruction my mom’s alcoholism caused. I began taking better care of myself. I went to Al-Anon meetings. I met other adult children of alcoholics. I began reading and writing more often, as I’d done as a child. This prompted me to write a middle-grade novel for tweens that was published in 2012.
Because I was focused on taking better care of me, this helped the whole family.
Then in 2014, Dad died from a heart attack.
My first thought was: My dad is gone. My second thought: Oh my God, now I am 100% responsible for Mom.
My sister was 17 and ending her junior year of high school.
So I did what most first-born children of alcoholics would do: I assumed my dad’s role. I moved out of my place and back into my parents’ home. I promptly forgot everything I’d learned about co-dependency and self-care.
My mother, overwhelmed with intense grief, plummeted. Every day, for months, I feared I’d come home and find her lifeless body. Once again, I became obsessed with her drinking. She binged for days on end. Again, I was determined to “fix” her. At one point, I convinced her to see a psychologist and I sure it the turning point – the road to recovery. It wasn’t.
After three months of sleepless nights, my sister said she couldn’t bear to stay there and watch Mom slowly kill herself so we moved out. I sobbed the day we moved. It felt like I was abandoning a sick child.
But then as the weeks passed, I get healthier. My sister got healthier. Our minds cleared as time passed being away from the chaos and the abuse. I detached, slowly.
My departure from the environment and my father’s death forced Mom to be more of an adult than she ever had in her life. While her alcoholism is still destructive, my sister and I are much better today.
Update – July 2022:
- Mom is doing better than I ever could have imagined!
- Brooke is a happy, healthy person and we’re very close.
- Life is great for me! I’m engaged to an extraordinary guy who makes me laugh and laughs at all my jokes.
I believe sharing these personal stories is tremendously powerful. If you are an ACoA (adult child of an alcoholic) or grew up in a dysfunctional/abusive situation, I hope you’re well on your healing journey, too. Glad you’re here.
Take good care of yourself.
omg this story explains my mum so much !! its unreal everything about it!! my dad is also an alcoholic though but more functioning well as i got older anyways!! thanks for sharing! and sorry about everything you went through! i understand truley do!! i felt like in a way i was reading something i wrote! im stuck with the aftermath too unfortunately but slowly healing!! hope you find yourself completely !! xx
Hi Rebecca, isn’t it AMAZING how similar COA stories are? Even after all these years learning from other adult kids of alcoholics, I’m STILL floored when people share their stories. They’re so sadly familiar – every emotion… I wish you well in your healing journey. Take good care of yourself!!
My parents raised their children well, but I see my own nieces and nephews suffering caused by siblings’s alcoholism. Now some of their children are turning into alcoholics. It’s so dramatic to see this and I feel there is no hope.
Hi, Louise. I am so sorry to learn of your experience with an alcoholic sibling and a repeating cycle. It is so painful to witness, I know. Have you ever attended an Al-Anon meeting? You may benefit from learning how to cope with this. I found those meetings eye opening and helped me help myself, which helped my family, too. Take good care of yourself.
Hey Jody,
thank you so much for sharing your story. While reading it I felt so much empathy and it really helped me through a hard day knowing that I’m not alone. I’m still on my way and I’m trying hard to feel better some day (I even moved across the country to get some distance from my mother). Even though it hurts not to be with my mom and not being able to help or change her, somewhere deep down I know there is nothing I could ever do to make her better.
I’d be excited to know about your progress. Take care!
Lots of love and understanding from Germany
Thank you for the note, Joeline. It really is QUITE a difficult journey, particularly as a daughter with an alcoholic mother, isn’t it?! After all, we’re not “supposed to” have to worry about our mothers. No matter the distance we are physically apart, the worry lingers. We are the lucky ones of the unlucky kids, you know. We understand that we need to be on the journey. Unfortunately, not all of kids of alcoholics ever reach that point. For this, we can be grateful. I wish you great strides in your journey this year and beyond!
My daughter in law is a child of an alcoholic parent, now deceased. Her mother joined the military, just to get out of the home and left her two daughters with an alcoholic dad. My daughter in law suffers from an eating disorder, difficulty forming close relationships, and has extreme control issues involving my grandchildren. She has projected all of her needs onto my son and their two children. As a mother in law, how can I show my support and love without appearing to interfere?
Hi Sara,
Keep being an awesome grandmother! Also, the more you understand the effects of alcoholism on kids, the better you will understand your daughter in law. It is her journey to help herself and heal but your education about it will help YOU cope with how this impacts you and those you love: http://www.jodylamb.com/best-books-for-adult-children-of-alcoholics-acoas/
Hi Jody,
After reading your story, it relates to what myself and other siblings experienced growing up. Myself, as the oldest daughter, took on the role to care for my mother and sister. Although, unfortunately I never had any support, or a father figure in my life to support me at that. I was alone. I am glad you are taking care of yourself and thank-you for sharing your story. You have inspired me to share mine! Most of my life, has been involved around alcohol and I have to say I don’t like drink much, or like to be around people who take it too far, it makes me upset. The trauma always lives with us. But today, my mother is doing well and I pray it stays that way.
My faith in GOD has helped me heal. God bless you xxx
this is so inspriring! and it’s exactly what my brothers and i went through as we grew up and unfortunately still going through it as my mum is still currently drinking to this day but it’s so great to hear that i’m not yeh only one who is suffering as i always feared this, but i am truly sorry from the bottom of my heart that you had to experience this because i had and still am myself to this day and it i said awful and has brought me so many emotional and physically issues upon my family and myself.
Jaeda, thank you! Likewise, I am deeply sorry that we share similar life experiences. How fortunate your siblings are to have you. I hope that you have started your journey to take good care of YOU.
Hi Jaeda
Thank you for sharing your story. I’m wondering if you could share the resources you mention (“That’s when I finally read about alcoholism and addiction.”) I’m trying to find a GOOD book for a dad (with three teenagers and an alcoholic ex-wife who is mom to his children) to read to understand the effect of having an alcoholic mom on his children’s growth. Thanks in advance!!
Hello, eyesshinebright.
#3 and #4 in this list give a good overview of the effects of parental alcoholism on kids: http://www.jodylamb.com/best-books-for-adult-children-of-alcoholics-acoas/.
Best wishes to you.
I just can’t believe how relatable this was for me. It made me feel sad but comforted at the same time.
Hi Linzy, yes, that’s exactly how I feel when I meet other ACoAs. It’s bittersweet to be reminded that you’re not alone. I hope you are well in your healing journey.
Hello, Jody, and thank you for sharing your story. I wish this type information had been available to me when I realized why my mother wobbled, fell and slurred every night. She never became violent, just snide and ugly. However in my family, we lived in the land of denial. My father never mentioned it, or sat her down or anything. We never discussed it, acting like it wasn’t there. It was horrible and ruined much of my early life. I still have the emotional scars. I never had a successful adult female/male relationship. Forgive me, but finally I’ve been able to tell some of this. God bless us all.
Hi Jody,
I stumbled upon your story as I was researching the effects of alcoholism on families for a paper I’m writing. I also grew up with an alcoholic parent. I could relate with so much of what you wrote, especially the worrying that the house would catch on fire from cigarettes. I think all of our couches had burn holes in them. My dad was the meanest drunk but the nicest guy when sober. I could always tell if he was drinking liquor vs. beer. Liquor was the worst! He knocked my moms front teeth out on their honeymoon. Luckily he was never physically abusive to me. My mom divorced him when I was 6-then she turned to drugs and alcohol. (She’s better now and has been clean for 20 years!)
My dad died last December from a heart attack caused by chemo for his lung cancer. He quit drinking and smoking the last year of his life. It was a miracle. He accepted Jesus into his heart a couple months before his death. I miss him greatly and care to remember the good times instead of the years of emotional abuse. Thank you for sharing you story.
reading your story has given me hope.my Mom is an alcoholic and its tearing my family apart.we are three girls at home,the youngest is 17,am so terribly worried about her emotional well-being cause she is the one who has had to grow up watching my Moms alcoholism, at least me and my other sister had a better childhood.l recently had a baby and she had promised she would watch her whilst I went back to work, l thought finally she might stop drinking but two days before I went back to work she acted up and I had to resign.Now l spend all day at home,watching her floating through the house,cooking meals she doesn’t see to completion and spending days without bathing. She blames her drinking on all of us,particularly since l was diagnosed with HIV but she’s been like this for a long time. l was telling my sister am started to feel depressed because of watching her downward spiral day in,day out.l am happy am not alone,so many people also have similar stories. l just want to move away with my sisters and daughter cause l don’t want my daughter to grow up in a dysfunctional family. l feel for myFather too,he is a good man but l think this affects him a lot too,l hope one day she will get back to normal or will she ever???
Hi, Sharon. Congrats on the birth of your daughter! Hope is an extremely powerful thing. I spent most of my life obsessed with trying to fix my mom and trying to minimize the negative impacts of Mom’s drinking on my sister and my father. In the process, I was not able to take good care of myself. Your job in life is to take of your and daughter. Best wishes to you.
Your story is extremely relatable as i also attempting to be the perfect kid but my father who is a wonderful when not drunk had took effect on him.My mom and relatives all have tried to stop him from drinking but he doesnt stop.He only stops drinking for a few months and then resumes on drinking again and acting violent.Now i have to move abroad to go study but im extremely reluctant to leave my mother alone.So i stumbled on your blog hoping that you share the same story as me.Hopefully this will give me beleive that my father can quit again and freely pursuit my dreams.
Aah, yes, we have very similar stories, don’t we? The hardest thing for me in this life has been recognizing that my own job in life is to take good care of me. It feels soooo wrong to do so because I’ve spent my life caring for everyone else. It feels like abandonment. But I’ve learned that when it feels wrong, it’s generally 100% the right thing for me. Best wishes to you!
Hi Jody,
Thank you so much for sharing your story, you have inspired me to write about my journey with an alcoholic mother, I fell it is part of my healing process.
Are you still in touch with your mother? How do you cope with her drinking nowadays?
Thank you very much.
Hello Jody, (I am going to use a fake name because I don’t want my real name out) any ways, I’m 13 and my mom is an alchohalic, she drinks maybe once a month for 2 days but it is very terrifying. we live 30 minutes away from my school so when she picks me up drunk I get so anxious and that 5 minutes before school ends is the worst, I can’t hold a conversation because I am so scared and worried. I have and older sister who lives a few 100 miles away and I have an 11 year old sister, I have divorced parents so for 2 weeks at my dads house every thing is fine, stable but when at my moms house I am so up tight and anxious, when my mom doesent drink she is the nicest person in the world, so loving and willing, funny and happy but when she drinks she is a living momster… my mom doesn’t have a boy friend any more so that sucks because he would pick me up from school some times. I feel hopeless and depressed. I know she drinks because she hates herself, she is a critic towards her self, she thinks she is a bad person and beats her self up over it when she is actually an amazing mother when she doesent drink.
Fake name is zack
Thanks for sharing your story it has inspired me to share mine(:
Hi, Zack. For months, my mother was driving around drunk with my little sister in the backseat. No one knew that this was occurring. My sister was terrified and completely confused about what was happening. When my sister told me what was going on, we did everything we could to ensure she never felt that way again and was never endangered like that again. Like your mother, our mother is a very sweet lady. When she drinks, she is a destructive monster – completely unrecognizable! It took me a long time to realize that I have one job in life: to make sure I am safe and have serenity. If I keep this fact in my mind, I know what to do. Take good care of yourself. Best wishes to you. Thank you for sharing your story.
Hi, Nina. That’s awesome that you feel inspired to share your story!
I still see and speak with my mother. She still actively has a substance use disorder and chooses not to get help. I have set boundaries with her and while I will always wish she would accept help, we have a better relationship today than I ever could have imagined years ago.
Best wishes to you in your healing journey!
I am a long distant grandmom & I constantly worry about my 8 year old granddaughter; her mom knows everything I say on the phone, because my granddaughter tells her mom, everything I say. My daughter, her mom is now 40, been drinking hard liquor since about 14; in total denial; I also suspect mental disorders, at the very least PTSD.
My granddaughter rarely wants to talk about it. She has been told by both me and her mom, not to tell anyone because she might be taken away & from my searches I have learned often these children are put in worst abusive and incest homes. Since at least one counselor told me, children are not taken away from their parents for alcoholism. I do not know what to say to her; I know listening to her feelings and her mom does this too and always accepts her feelings. I try to teach coping skills. Sometimes, her moms gets so frustrated she yells awful things and punches holes in the wall and has in every place she has lived. They are so poor and live such an unstable life, as she is a single mom; my biggest fear they might end up in the street. I was told many time, until her mom hits rock bottom, she will never seek help, but this means my granddaughter will also be in the street with her. I was told that unfortunately kids are pulled down with the alcoholic and after reading your story, I see the scars of life with an alcoholic parent is part of that downhill damage an alcoholic places on their children.
I am too old and suffer severe stress myself wondering and worrying over my granddaughter’s stress and even worrying of all the mental damage on her. I feel like I should rescue her (guilt), but I do not feel capable of taking care of her. She has a strong bond with her mom. I have no control and pray to God she too does not become an alcoholic, or develop PTSD or bio-polar or Schizophrenia (her mom might have that too).
What do you suggest I say to my 8 year old granddaughter; How can I make a difference.
Hello Jody;
First off I wanted to say thank you for posting this story. For the longest time i have felt like I was alone is all of this and then I read your story; so closely resembled even down to sharing the same liking of apple juice and growing up in a Catholic home. See, I was an only child and it was so much harder for me it seems because I didn’t have a sibling although I prayed for one. My mom passed on oct 11, 2017 at 4:27am. Just 4 hours and 27 minutes after my birthday on oct 10. She was n the hospital on and off since 2016 until she passed while in the hospital. Life has been so hard and I’m not trying to cast judgment or comparing anyone’s story to mine but I will admit; being a “COA” as you call it…is so hard! It’s hard to be the good person and a secret bad person all at the same time. Meaning, my mom always would post on social media about how her and I always had a good time together and/or how we go and do certain things together—false! Thus, creating a false persona and having to explain it in further detail and creating up a story or trying to explain where she was at. Or, when we met up with family….my mom wasn’t with us. It has been so hard and I have found myself ‘numb’ from the situation and not really knowing how to fell about her not being here. Like why couldn’t I have tried harder or fully devoted my time to helping her get better. But, there was honestly no fixing the situation—it was so far gone! It was so bad that she would forget me at middle school; I would be the last one in car line; or when she did come and pick me up; she would park way off in a parking lot; leave me in the truck and lock the doors while she would go inside to get more alcohol. Your mother drank beer; beer was like water to my mom. My mom drank straight vodka right out of the bottle! Sometimes she would even take an only beer can and fill it with vodka just so we would think she was drinking beer. Being a Christian now; I constantly have to lift up my moms name to God because; I couldn’t imagine what my life would be like if I wasn’t put on this Earth as my mother’s child. Early on; I had similar encounters with friends as well; my best friend in high school started to notice how my mom would talk down to me—my friend asked me if she was my step mom because “clearly a mother shouldn’t talk to their child like that”. Heartbreaking…my parent would be celebrating their 31st anniversary his year. I feel kind of selfish at times because I don’t have my mom here with me and I notice it even more recently. Like; mothers playing with their children or going and doing stuff together-happy! I never had that and wish that I did becuase for the longest time her alcoholism consumed everything and every aspect of my being—like I was the one with the addiction.
All in all; thank you so much for sharing your story and for giving me the comfort knowing that I’m not alone in this.
Thank you so much for this. I am 31 and I moved in with my mom after a divorce and my dad leaving. (Also an alcoholic.) I have a 7 year old as well. My mom is the best person until about 6 or 7 when the drinking starts. I know just by looking at her eyes; they go kind of dark when she drinks. I’ve caught her drinking when she is watching my daughter. I1’ve decided to move out but can’t help but feel guilty about it. She blames me for “abandoning” her. I plan to move in with my boyfriend who has been in our lives for 4 years. She also says its his fault. He is the first person in my life to encourage me to do anything in my life and because of his encouragement I will be graduating college soon. I know that I will lose him and possibly traumatize my kid and jeopardize my future if I stay. Thank you so much for this. I felt a lot better today after reading this.
You just basically told my story. Thank you.
Thank you for your story, about 13 months ago I decided to get sober. Hearing your story really hits home. I have three children and I didn’t want to have them grow up with a parent that focused more on drinking then them. Your story really hit home. You sound like an amazing woman.
Hi Jody. I can entirely relate to your story. I grew up with an alcoholic mother and has completely shaped my life and the person I am today. Worry, depression, sucidal thoughts, trust issues, embarrassment the list goes on. From as early as around 7yrs old I remember it beginning, I’m now 30yrs old and it’s still the case. It’s comforting to know others understand the pain. I’m now a father of a 10month old boy and am hell bent on ensuring he doesn’t grow up the way I did. Thanks for sharing your story
Hi, Thomas. Congrats on the little boy! Best wishes to you on your AcoA healing journey. I have met so many adult children of alcoholics who successfully broke the cycle of addiction in their families and created healthy, happy lives for their children. You’ll make it happen!
What parents can do to their children in such a negative way is very sad.
Alcohol and emotional abuse is extremely damaging to children.
Im 20 and grew up with an alcoholic mother and while reading this I couldn’t stop sobbing because how familiar it is. Still fighting through my struggles but thank you so much for sharing this it’s shows me and my sister and brother are not alone. THANK YOU.
Thank you for sharing your story. It was very interesting for me to read about your family since I am married to an adult child of an alcoholic. My husband’s mother refused to leave her alcoholic husband despite the fact that it was destroying her kids and her health. She died in her 50’s and I think this is because of the stress she endured every day. By the way, my husband refuses to drink because his dad drank so heavily when he was a child. But the damage was still done and he exhibits so many of the tendencies of AcoA.
I “connect” with your father’s reluctance to leave your mother and “just hope things will get better or work out” attitude. I have always been reluctant to leave my marriage because I know how divorce destroys family relationships. I see children’s lives negatively affected everyday because of divorce. Family dysfunction hurts everyone involved. Again, thank you for your courage and sharing your story.
I think alcoholism and emotional abuse is the worst thing that can happen to a child, thanks for sharing such a powerful story.
As a person who grew up with the disease of alcoholism, my heart goes out to all those who have experienced similar hardships.
At the age of 15 I found Al-Anon and have been attending meetings for the last 6 years. In these meetings, I learned how to take care of myself and lead a life I feel good about.
One of the hardest things may be to feel our feelings. The alcoholic family dynamic often thrives because of denial and the practice of “stuffing” one’s feelings.
It’s okay to grieve for the childhood we never had. It’s okay to be angry about the situations we had to deal with.
It’s normal to feel resentful or disgusted of our alcoholic family members.
What is not okay with me is to allow my past to define my future. I may have adult child tendancies to work on for the rest of my life, however, this doesn’t mean I will not lead a beautiful life.
Adult children of alcoholics are warriors.
I hope you find the strength you seek.
-J
I can totally relate to everything you wrote! My father is an alcoholic, and I’m 31 years old now, and I cant beleive I’m still dealing with it at this age of mine and it still bothers me. I don’t live with my parents, but everytime I go over, it’s always the constant worry of “is he drunk”. I went over today, and as soon as I walk in, I realized its 10am and hes so drunk! And of course him and my mother are going back and fourth, because she threw away the half empty bottle of alcohol he hid in his room, and she also his his keys so he wouldnt go out to get more. I regret even walking into my parents home today, because I was actaully in a good mood. Ughh I dont know how to stop caring…. I guess if my mom wasnt with my dad, it wouldn’t effect me as much. But the fact that my mom has to deal with it on a dsily basis puts alot of stress on me. My mom helps me alot, I have 2 children myself, so I need the help. But I also would like my kids to be in a safe environment. And my parents home is not that.
Hi Jen, your only job in life is to take good care of you.
So well stated! I’m glad you’ve found such healing in the Al-Anon. Like you, I’ve found the stories of others to be most powerful in illuminating my own path. May your beautiful life become even more beautiful!
Best wishes to you and your family. Your education on this topic will be very valuable!
It is waaay too common. I hope you and your siblings have started your healing journey; you’re on your way to create the life you want and deserve.
I can so relate to you as that little girl begging your mother to stop drinking. My mother too was an alcoholic from the time I was very small into my 30’s then switched to drug addiction after a lupus diagnosis. She would either leave me at home alone while she went to bars or take me along after I begged her not to leave me alone. With every promise that we’d go home after just one more, I’d drink her drink down when she’d turn her head because I was so tired and wanted to go home so badly. I was only 7 or 8 yrs old. Finally passing out on two bar stools at closing time then being carried out to the car by some guy and driven home by her in a drunk state again with only a few hours of sleep until it was time to get up for school. Fortunately I have never developed an addiction to alcohol as an adult. I have zero tolerance for people with addictions and view it as a choice. It helps to read others stories while it breaks my heart at the same time that this still continues behind closed doors.
Wow this story hits home! I am 17 years old living in Australia and I have had to grow up pretty fast in order to take care of my siblings as my mother’s alcoholism has impacted her ability to fulfil her parenting role. It is heart breaking to come to the realisation that there is nothing I can say to my mother to break her alcohol dependence however my love for her is profound and eternal and I know that she truly cares for us despite her actions.
There is so much I have learnt by experiencing this throughout my childhood and I just have to remember to put myself first as her wellbeing is not always my responsibility to “fix”. I graduate from high school in November and I am currently trying to study very hard and push aside my home life in order to get into my desired University course! Not too long to go so hopefully I can push through!
Hope all is going well! xx
Hi Jody. Thank you for sharing your life story / journey. It is so relatable it’s unreal. As I read your story, I laughed not because it’s funny, but because what you went through, i am going through. I have siblings but they’re all married with families and lives of their own and because I am gay, it seems to them i am incapable of living on my own or starting my own family. After my father’s death, the drinking seems to escalate. Sometimes i fear too i will come home to a lifeless body. She would fall around and hurt herself after binging. Half the time it feels my heart is in my throat and i feel sick. So your whole story i can relate to. Thank you again for sharing your story.
My mom was an alcoholic. I’ve recognized my ACOA traits for some time, but stuffed them down until recently. You see, my mother lost her battle with alcohol when I was 30. She finally admitted she was an alcolohic when I was in my 20’s. She had been sober for 9 years before she died. but it was too late, the damage was done. She was on a liver transplant list for 2 years. She became ill in September and died in the ICU in December, a day before her 56 birthday. For a long time, I grieved her death so strongly that I couldn’t consider getting help for myself. It felt disrespectful to her memory to face the honest truth. I kept telling myself that it wasn’t so bad, other kids had it much worse than me. She was an angry violent drunk but still took care of my sister and I. I remember how disgusted I was with her when I had to pick her up after a DUI. My father was working all the time and my sister and I were left to deal with her. For the first 5 years after her death, I would only talk about the “good side” of my mom. I missed her terribly. Her father was an alcoholic as well as most of her family. I’m so sad she never had a chance to meet my son. The older I get, the more I realize how young she was when she died. I had become her caregiver as she grew sicker. I did have the opportunity to say goodbye to her in ICU. My sister and I made the sound decision to end all extraneous measures to keep her alive. She wouldn’t have wanted to live that way, suffer any longer. Now, I finally feel ready to address my own suffering. I’m not sure where to start.
Dearest Jody:
I felt inclined to write you as I stumbled across your story tonight and it really touched me. I grew up very similar to you, with the exception that my father actually was smart and got away from the situation of my moms drinking very early on after several ultimatums. I, too, found myself on the “fixer” role. I would research government funded rehabs and beg my mom to go. I think the hardest thing for me to except, and still is to this day, is how wonderful a mother she was when she wasn’t drinking. I think I still hold on to hope that maybe one day she will stop, but she’s been an alcoholic since before I started grade school and I’m 37 now. Thanks for sharing your story. As sad as they are, it’s nice to hear I wasn’t fighting the sadness alone.