As a child, I remember setting up Lego toys in a careful pattern like dominoes, perfectly positioned with just enough space between each one, so that I could watch as they slowly toppled over, one by one.
Have you ever seen dominoes fall that way?
I think of the domino effect when I have trouble coping with family problems in a healthy way….such as recently…
Every few years, my family becomes basically one giant dominoes set up. One big problem teeters for a while and then topples over and knocks down the next problem, which causes more problems and the toppling goes on and on. The result is one fat pile of problems. Yes, it’s a bit of a crisis.
Over the last year, one of my very favorite people in the world has experienced some pretty serious health problems. Like many people in my life, this person has refused help. It has worsened considerably over the last few months and just last week, an upsetting conversation with this person was a hard reality check for me.
I’m failing. I’m failing to fix this one.
This is a type of situation for me, different from the problems caused by the behavior of addicts in the family. It took until that moment on the phone to recognize that I’d jumped right back into the arms of my friend. His name is Unhealthy Attachment to Family Problems! Yep. I get stressed. It is no bueno.
Just as I did with the addicts in my life, I had taken on this person’s problem and convinced myself that 1.) it was my responsibility to fix this person and 2.) I could help this person who doesn’t want help. This ran through my head, as it has a million of times before: If this person would just listen….
While this person doesn’t drink or do drugs, they’ve put up a thick, glass wall, in the same way that the addicts do, blocking out their family and friends, who are eager to help.
I did a whole lot of talking and talking and writing long notes – my very best try to convince this person to make better decisions to get their good health back.
All the while, I dropped to my knees to pray countless times, especially as the stress caused the addicts in my family to drink more heavily.
Toppling dominoes.
And the problem went on, worsening.
After that upsetting phone call with this person last week, my sister scrunched up her face like the world’s most annoyed teenager and commanded in a frustrated tone: “Detach, Jody, detach!”
She’s right.
I let these problems kick me over and over to the point that it disables me from taking good care of myself.
But I am trying.
The hardest part of healing from my old way of coping with these problems has always been detaching. I have real trouble stepping away from the problems of people I love.
I feel guilty for not being able to fix it – as crazy as it is. I have unrealistic expectations for myself and I forget that I can’t control people’s behavior or decisions. Also, I feel it’s my duty to help loved ones because they’re supposed to be cared for/helped when they need it. That’s what families do.
I forget that you can’t help people who don’t want to be helped.
Isn’t it amazing how fast you can fall back into old ways of thinking/living life?
Fortunately, I usually do, finally, remember that in many situations with family members and friends, I’m going to have to blow a kiss and say, “I’ll be here when you decide you want help.”
I’m going to hold onto hope that one day, these people will blow me a kiss back and say, “I’m ready now. Help me get help.”
You have been reading my mail, so to speak. I have my own mantra for this same syndrome: “Let it go, Marvin. Let it go.” There are some things you can influence and there are a whole lot of things you can’t. I refer to Steven Covey’s “Circle of Influence” and “Circle of Concern.” And the truth is that (like you wrote) I must keep myself strong enough and above the fray, that when these I love are ready, I am able to help. I have labeled myself a “FIXER,” a bad habit I try daily to escape from…don’t want those dominoes falling on me.
Marvin Dittfurth recently posted…My New Blessing
Thanks, Marv! Stay clear of the dominoes! Yes, Circle of Influence and Circle of Concern are great reminders. It’s so hard to let go at times…what a curse we put on ourselves! I just need to keep reminding myself that my title of Fixer must only apply to me! 🙂 Thanks for reading, Marv!
Hey Jody. Very nice. This detachment thing, boy is it just so hard. I have to admit that when I first heard of the detachment idea, I thought it was ridiculous. 🙂 Took me a while to come around to it. Your domino analogy is a really good one and I think it can help people understand the concept better. I like it! – Congrats on book 2! Looking forward to reading it when it comes out!
Cheers.
Oh my gosh do I relate to this one. Detaching is one of the most difficult things to do, and as you’ve so beautifully explained – it goes far beyond relationship with addicts/alcoholics! Thank you so much for sharing and I love your sister’s reminder and your take on what to do for you, “I’m going to have to blow a kiss and say, “I’ll be here when you decide you want help.”
I’m going to hold onto hope that one day, these people will blow me a kiss back and say, “I’m ready now. Help me get help.”
I’ll be ready to help because I’ve been taking good care of myself.”
Lisa Frederiksen – BreakingTheCycles.com recently posted…Face of Recovery | David Brown
It is so hard to detach Jody when we are watching our loved one make poor choices or continue behavior that isn’t healthy. Recently I’ve been trying to take care of myself and I do think that makes a huge difference. Another piece that I’ve been reading about lately is positive reinforcement – just acknowledging when the things are good and allowing natural consequences to occur. Everyone has their journey and although it would be nice to fix other people, until they are ready, I have found that it will continue to be a challenge. Thanks for sharing and congrats on your book!!
Cathy Taughinbaugh recently posted…5 Ways to Help Your Family Begin the Recovery Process
Jody, I love your language, e.g., “one fat pile of problems”…the imagery got my noggin fired up and as I read the remainder of the post, thought it ultra cool that you switched to glide and became a committed fat burner…instead of an instant gratification sugar burner. As the pile began to simmer away while you focused on self-care, I began to breathe more deeply. Frigging amazing how the systemic piles of fat can turn into systemic, well tuned, purring Ferrari’s. Thanks for being, “there.” Made my weekend.
Herby Bell recently posted…#16: George Bryant – The Civilized Caveman and Wellness Lifestyles
I have a mantra, too, when I see caregivers not allowing for respite care, ill people not seeking help, and when women I work with seem more enamored with their problems than with the idea of a solution: “one suggestion is a suggestion, two is bossy and three is nagging.” I am done being a nag and in my deep down insides I trust them to know what is right or know how to find out. If they were ready /wanted to – they would.
That is me in my best self. I slip and I too, find the big pile of doo doo dominoes. But more and more often I lesten to MY inner voice ad let others find theirs.
Thank you for the reminder! You are awesome!
Thanks for sharing this story, Jody. I’ve been meaning to leave a comment about it as I see some people in my life self-destructing. Not through addictions but through other negative and harmful behaviors. Trying to determine when to get involved and when to sit back and wait for them is difficult because we usually want to jump right in and fix the problem or help them. I guess prayer and wisdom to know when to help and when to wait is needed.
I too am so glad to hear about your book developing. Whenever I see that JK Rowling graduation speech from Harvard, I think of your writing and journey 🙂