Albert Einstein said that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result.
The insanity in my family really shows its face when the alcoholics in my family are on drinking binges or when their addictive behavior has caused major financial or other issues. Basically, when the addicts’ lives unravel to a point again in which my family members can’t quickly mend everything, my normally wise family members prove Einstein’s theory perfectly.
My family members whip out their cell phones and have the same conversation they had a few weeks ago, a few months ago, a few years ago, a few decades ago.
They sigh and say, “I cannot understand why he’s doing this. He was doing so well. This cannot go on. What are we going to do?”
They’re nearly word for word the same sentences shared hundreds of times.
But no one actually does anything to change anything.
They don’t go to Al-Anon meetings. They don’t get help for themselves. They enable the alcoholics by picking up the pieces of things their addiction has crushed. They don’t detach. They just do the same thing over and over, expecting a different result.
Insane.
After participating in my family’s repeated conversations for years, finally, I realized that they were leaving me panicked and exhausted. Most importantly, nothing good was coming from them and therefore, it was not good for me at all.
There had to be a different result.
So I helped myself.
I went to Al-Anon meetings and learned from other’s people stories. I discovered my own path for healing and coping my alcoholic and addicted loved ones. I read every book I could find about alcoholism, addiction and its impact on families.
I decided that the best thing to do for everyone was for me to detach as much as possible. Before, I never thought I had a choice, but then I made decisions about getting involved in these situations. I told everyone I’d happily assist with a plan to help but I couldn’t get on the phone and talk for hours without any benefit, without any change.
Nothing good was coming from simply talking and talking without a new approach to handling all of it.
It helped them. Some of my family members followed my lead.
The entire situation improved.
Throughout life, you’ll take a look at people around you and realize that they’re ill. In that case, you can either stay sick yourself or do what you have to do to take good care of yourself.
That’s why they say alcoholism is a family disease. It affects everyone.
So, my pal, ramble on down your own road. Find and live the life you want.
When you do that, everyone around you will be helped. They may even follow you and get help for themselves. Be the one who breaks the cycle.
Wow – I am going to share this with my SOAR students and my Y12SR folks (ACOA , ALanon, and other) call all benefit from your experience.
Although I cannot relate to this from an alcoholic/alcoholic family standpoint I do highly connect with he message you’re trying to convey.
At some point you have to realize that those around you may be doing more harm than good, and like you say you must detach. Jody I’m not sure how your family is doing nowadays, but if anyone can serve as a guiding light…it’s you !
great post Jody !
Jeremy or IHeartTravel recently posted…Simple Kind of Life on The Road
Hi Jody,
Wonderful advice from your experience. Rambling on and on about the same issues with no change from family members just keeps everybody stuck. I feel that sometimes people are getting something out of their misery. They may want the change, but they are uncomfortable and fearful of what change will
bring, so it is easier to do the same old, same old. So glad that you reached out and helped yourself. I felt that that was the fastest way for me to heal as well.
Cathy Taughinbaugh recently posted…Substance Abuse Research That Makes a Difference
Jody, what an inspiration you are to people who are caught, or at least think they are, in a cycle with someone who is ill that just circles continually – decades as you say. You hopped off of that track, and made your own way. And what do you know, it helped everyone else too. Beautiful! Thank you….
You can certainly see your enthusiasm in the work you write.
The world hopes for even more passionate writers such as you who aren’t afraid to say how they believe. At all times go after your heart.
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Beautiful!!!!!
– Kyczy, thank you for sharing this and for all of your great work!
– Hi Jeremy, my family is a little better at coping these days. You’re a guiding light yourself, buddy!
– Hi Kathy, yep, great point! For many, chaos and misery are very familiar feelings. When life settles down, it feels foreign and they look for things to worry about/”fix.” And, yes, fear of change absolutely comes into play in their reluctance to do something differently.
– Hey, Leslie! I was caught in that circling cycle for SO LONG! I hope more people who’ve made their way out of it will step and talk about it, too! That will help so much in helping people recognize what’s happening.
– Thanks, José! I hope you’re doing great.