Give me predictability. Stability. A beautiful, detailed plan. And I’ll be a content (adult child of an alcoholic) woman.
Yesterday, I spent the day with sister and her boyfriend on the campus of my alma mater, Michigan State University, for a football game. I had planned to be home by a certain time to get a few things done and to make sure Rocco wasn’t alone for an excessive period. But a later-than-expected arrival time on campus and other factors meant we ended up leaving campus three hours later than I expected. I was hungry, tired, dehydrated and worried about Rocco.
When self-care slips, so does the ability to cope with stress. On top of basic physical needs not being met, I don’t particularly enjoy being in large crowds of people (even though it was exceptionally beautiful in that stadium – look below!).
Michigan State University’s Spartan Stadium – Homecoming October 21, 2017
I was stressed and worried about finding a place for dinner and then driving the long way home in the dark. It was a long walk to the north side of campus for dinner. I was quiet and short as we made our way there. When my sister announced she had planned plans to “say hi” to a few friends, whom we were still waiting for by the time we finished eating dinner, I was quite annoyed. I just wanted to get back on the track of what I thought my night was going to look like. Plus, we had a long ride home and it was getting late by the standard of a 34-year-old woman (not my 20-year-old sister).
My sister detected my mood change and it bothered her.
Why can’t you relax, she asked.
Why can’t you plan better, I asked.
So, the remainder of dinner was uncomfortable and unpleasant. We argued about one another’s unreasonableness and then decided silence was best.
And our terse interaction gave me sadness today.
I wish I didn’t have this kind of annoyed reaction to changed plans. I wish I could roll with all of it, the way my sister wishes I would.
The ACoA Trauma Syndrome
But I know through education that my overreaction to surprises, changes in plans and lack of planning is directly connected to my ACoA Trauma Syndrome. If you haven’t read Dr. Tian Dayton’s The ACoA Trauma Syndrome, you should. I experienced trauma as a child, teenager and adult dealing with our mother’s alcoholism. It was always me saving the day – thrown suddenly into terrible situations. I was always picking up the pieces and cleaning up the messes. When stuff went wrong because of Mom’s drinking, I was there to “fix” it. I craved predictability and stability wherever I could get it because life with Mom was chaotic and it threw me into survival mode constantly.
So, it’s only natural that today, I am always waiting for the other shoe to drop, as they say. While I have made progress on this front in my adult child of an alcoholic healing journey, I still don’t like surprises or changes in plans. I want to know what will happen and when and where, so I can be completely mentally prepared and have a solution in hand should this or that go wrong. I feel guilty about this way of thinking because it feels selfish and abnormal. I feel I should be flexible and accommodating and laidback and chill for the benefit of others who live more spontaneously like my sister. Plus, it causes me a lot of anxiety. But my brain is programmed to react to changes negatively. I am on alert for what will go wrong, and you know, it’s all on me, always, because that’s the way it’s always been.
As Dr. Dayton explains about the ACoA Trauma Syndrome in this HuffPost article:
“Intense feeling states get wired into kids, and rather than absorb skills of emotional calm and regulation from their homes they absorb states of emotional chaos and extremes. (You might say they get skilled at over- or under-reacting.)”
I know I need to work on reacting just right to life. Perhaps I miss out on good times because they weren’t originally part of the plans. There’s a careful balance between rigidity and flexibility – but gosh, it’s hard to change this particular part of me.
Does this resonate with you? In the comments below, would love to know how you’ve learned to change the way you react to changed plans.
I hope you are well in your journey.
Hi Jody. I am in the process of trying to work on intense self doubt, which has come about from lack of validation and reassurance from my alcoholic mum. Now it’s about self care, self reassurance. Also learning to tolerate uncertainty and listen to deep within myself for my wishes and core values, so that I can live more flexibly , trust myself to be ok and to be brave enough to make choices in my life.
Hi Ali, best wishes to you on your journey. Yes, uncertainty is so difficult, isn’t it? Cheers to self care and the ACoA journey!
Hi, yes I relate, I am moving to Germany, to my wife’s city. we have been apart as I am in South Africa and its been a pity tricky co-coordinating our separate lives to where we are connecting well. We just begun to connect and she sends me a photo of her holding to tickets to a concert of a band in a city across the province in August. i could feel something strange occurring within me and at the same time a thought of ‘i should be happy’, I couldn’t figure it out until I realized it was my Adult child stuff. she phoned me probably expecting an excited reaction, nope. I explained I didn’t want to go, like i didn’t want her Christmas present, or her going away present…. I just really don’t like surprises even gifts. It freaks me out
Hello Jody,
I completely feel this exact way with unplanned events, even the mention of a surprise will get my heart racing. I too have thought…”why can’t I be more flexible”, however the aftermath of an unplanned event causes me so much anxiety that I have found it best to surround myself with people who understand that I am a bit different as they are in their own ways as well. Matter of fact I make it a point to explain why I do not enjoy a spontaneous event or any surprise at all. When we deal with years of trauma and are surprised with negative acts on a routine basis, the idea of a surprise equates negatively to us. Thank you for sharing your story as sometimes I have felt very alone in my odd reactive state of sorts. The planner in me enjoys the safety and security it provides and a healthy me is my priority!
Hi Jodi,
I have learned that the hardest part of any plan for me is getting out the door! I help myself by doing a checklist and never waiting until the last minute. I also have learned that traveling alone has some very keen advantages. I always have my car and stuff. I need my stuff. It’s a way to have quiet and keep my schedule the best I can. After a nice day with family when the others want to visit or keep going, I go and relax. This keeps me calm as giving to them leaves me feeling sad much like how you felt when dealing with your sister. At the very least having your own hotel room, snacks and bed give me the retreat I need.
I have learned to surrender sometimes too. You fight the feeling just so much sometimes.
I’m so happy to find this!! I have major issues with control and surprises or change in plans also give me intense anxiety. It is definitely hard to try and control, but I have made lots of progress in my opinion (I do not have to follow a rigid OCD like nighttime schedule anymore 🙂 ). Unfortunately, the changes didn’t occur till my father passed away due to complications from his alcoholism. I know a lot of my healing is due to my family (especially my mom who let’s my siblings and I talk through what we think is normal and let’s us decide what we think we should change). Another help has been my boyfriend who has been very understanding. We were traveling to Disneyland with his family and I was not part of a lot of the planning. I did get to a point where I had to voice my stress/anxiety and that I needed something to plan. He then let me plan out a few days that just him, me, and his daughter would follow. It also helped that the trip was a lot of fun even though I didn’t get to plan every detail.
I have figured the best I can do is to see how far I can handle until I can’t. I have noticed, I am able to get a little further each time.
“I can’t change the situation, but I can change how I choose to deal with it.”
Thanks for sharing, Melinda. Isn’t amazing? I would have had the same reaction at Disneyland.:) Congrats on the strides being made in your healing journey!
Balance is a word that has been on my mind heavily these days. So much of being an ACOA is so confusing because of the extremes. I’m overly responsible but procrastinate, I’m hypersensitive but have tolerated emotionally unavailable partners, life seems too hard yet I function best during a crisis. I definitely relate to your message of BALANCE.
My sister and I grew up in India as children of an alcoholic father. It is scary to see how well your post and Dr. Dayton’s book predict we, as adults now, will react in the face of unpredictability; evidently the effects of alcoholic parenting transcend national boundaries. Thank you for this post; it has certainly helped us as we start on the long road to recovery.
Best wishes to you and your sister on your healing journey!