One of the things I struggle most with is acknowledging that I am responsible only for myself in life.
That’s it. Only me.
In fact, that’s my only job in life: to take good care of myself and make sure I am safe and healthy.
I’ve failed to do this for most of my life.
I am not good at it because I’ve never done it.
As the child of alcoholic, I switched roles with my mother very early on. I’ve been in more of a mother role and my mother, the child. I felt I had to watch out for her, clean up her messes and be super vigilant about her life, preventing as much bad from happening to her as possible.
I can’t call up my mother and ask her for advice. I can’t even call her up for a favor. Last week, I had to take my car into the shop and needed a ride and she was the only one in the area I could call. So I took a chance and called her. Several times. Of course, she didn’t answer.
As much as I’ve let go of expectations about my mother being the kind of mother I wish she could be, these moments when you really need a mom but you don’t have one, it stings a little.
It’s really messed up. It’s really sad.
From listening to other adult children of alcoholics, I know I am far from alone in this behavior.
They say the oldest children of alcoholics most often take on this flipped parent-child role.
Just as I’m about to do something, I ask myself if doing it helps me take good care of myself.
About 99.9% of the time, doing it is not good for me.
Full disclosure, I don’t always make the right choice.
But sometimes I do.
I thought a great deal about this the last few days.
My grandmother is dying. Yesterday, I held her hands and thought about how she spent her entire life as a caregiver to addicts in my family – first to her alcoholic husband and to her eight children, some of whom are addicts, including my mother. I almost burst into tears, thinking about how much addiction in our family caused her pain and preventing her from ever really taking good care of herself.
Life is really, really short.
Your job in life is to take good care of yourself.
Take good care of yourself.
I’m so sorry to hear about your grandmother.
My grandfather past away last week. We rarely spoke, but it’s sad to find my family – distant, or otherwise – getting narrower and narrower. My grandfather had a very separate life from our family, but I believe he died surrounded by people who loved him in their way – which is something positive for me to hold onto.
This last month has been horrendous.
I hope it gets better for you and you are able to treat yourself with a lot of kindness.
I’m so sorry about the loss of your grandfather. It is so, so painful to lose a grandparent. I, too, have been thinking about the narrowing of family. Time passes faster by the year, it seems. I hope 2017 brings happier times for you and your family! Thank you, as always, for your kind words.
We were never children.
We were caregivers of child adults.
We have seen the chaos in all areas that this has caused in our lives. We continue to learn more and more about how this kind of life affects us each and every day. As we grow – into adults.
Make no mistake;
For us… This is no easy task.
We have no one to look up to in this regard… It’s just sort of “up to us” to figure it out…
Figure out.. Everything.
Because we weren’t taught much.
So-
That can either be a good thing or bad- such is life.
I for one choose to look at it as good.
I’ve already been through all that life can throw at me- and as a child.
Of an alcoholic/drug addict.
Took care of here till I found her dead in bed one cold dark morning.
And I suffered.
And then I came back.
And I am stronger for it.
And I am better for it.
And I am the man that I am today because of it.
To that end I thank my mother for being the best person that she could be- before she died.
I don’t think she wanted to die so young.
I don’t think she wanted to cause so much chaos.
I don’t think she wanted to do most of what she did.
However as an adult- and one who has gone through a lot;
I forgive her.
Today I know that as sick as she was she did love me.
As much as she could.
Today as an adult I understand that my mother suffered.. Extremely so/ from a terrible disease.
Today I forgive her.
Today I love her.
Today I try and love myself more.
Because when it comes down to it…
She is/was my mom.
And deep down:
She must have loved me.
Cary Heller
Sylvan Lake, MI
Beautiful, Cary. Thank you.